Some week!

Well last week was a trip to the ER. This week is a double-trip to the kids' doctor's office. JUST the place I do NOT want to be right now.

Esther and Levi both have ear infections. Esther went in on Monday. Levi was checked that day, but was fine. Naturally. But by Tuesday night he, too, was complaining of a painful ear. So...antibiotics for everyone! Thankfully we've discovered the free meds from Meijer. Yea! My cipro and their amox. was free! Makes you wonder who's paying for them. I'm guessing NOT Meijer.

This past weekend we - scratch that - Josh and a couple of buddies (thank you George and Dave!) moved some - scratch that - lots of furniture out of the basement, stuff from the shed and garage, and some from the storage area over to the new storage unit. (I sound like we should be on an episode of "Clean House"!) This Friday a few other friends (thank Dirk/Kristen and Dave/Sally!) will come spend a good chunk of time helping box up stuff all over the house. The following week, we'll probably move stuff/furniture to the Kenyons and then the week after that - we're out! And homeless! Yea! Oh ya, and have a round of chemo in there, too.

Even though it's the last round of chemo, I still dread the thought of going. I was bemoaning my situation this week. You know, for being a primarily (though not entirely) 'female' disease, it certainly has a way of making you feel less womanly. And why does it take so long to treat it when theoretically the cancer's gone following surgery? Why can an antibiotic kill a virus/bacteria in 5-10 days, and it takes months and months and all your hair falling out for a cancer cell to die? I can't imagine the chemo drugs are that much less hefty. Sigh. One to go. Almost done. And I can almost see the "5:00 shadow-ish" look of my hair without squinting into the mirror. So those are all good things.

Did you know...
Read a devotional this week (My Utmost for His Highest again). It put it so plainly and I don't know if I've heard it said so clearly - our redemption is not for our sake, that is for us to be closer to God, but it's for God's sake - so that he may be glorified. I always kinda thought salvation was for us to get 'out of the muck' but, Hello!, our salvation is for God that we may glorify him. Imagine that...it's not about me. Funny thing. :) We so often strive to 'save' someone when in reality we should be redeeming them for God.

Caught a Bug

I made the mistake of taking my temperature yesterday. But I learned that they take 'temperatures' very seriously over in the oncology department!

I was feeling the usual aches that come the days following treatment, but for whatever reason, they were different aches. That, combined with the fact that usually on Tuesday/Wednesday I'm feeling better, and I was feeling pretty crappy. So on a whim I took my temp. 100.5 Low-grade, but in chemo-world that's the red-flag number. I phoned the doctors office and told them the temp and asked if I should freak out or if there was something I needed to do. Given the fact, too that I didn't have the 'day after shot' of neulasta to boost the white blood count I think caused concern. I was instructed to go get my blood drawn to check the profile ASAP. Meanwhile I remembered I could take an ibuprofen and was feeling much better, thank you very much. So I went home, took a nap, and waited for them to tell me if I should 'freak out.'

Josh woke me up soon after and told me we were off the the ER. Lovely. You can imagine how excited we were for that! Long story short, I got a heavy-duty dose of antibiotics and sent home with two other antibiotics and strict instructions not to go near germs, to come in immediately if my temp "spiked," (to a whoppin' 101) and not to take an more ibuprofen/tylenol in case it was masking any infections.

So while I say I wish I never took my temp - that I shoulda just taken an ibuprofen, gotten a good shoulder rub and called it good - their response to my low temp was significant. Apparently when your WBC counts are low and you show signs of illness, it can get out of hand in a hurry. So I appreciate their precautions. I suppose I'm just not accustomed to so much fuss over a few stiff muscles and a headache.

Today I'm feeling significantly better, so I gotta believe I really was fighting something!

Met with the radiation oncologist, Dr. Kastner, today also. Looks like the plan is that after my last chemo on Feb. 11 I'll go downstairs for 'mapping.' I'm not quite sure what that means other than they'll add a few tatoos on me (sorry, no roses or "I love Mom" - just tiny dots) and begin the creation of the virtual me that they'll use to figure the tangents, etc for zapping the potentially cancerous lymph nodes and tissues. Yes, it'll be as fun as it sounds. Treatments won't actually start until mid-March, however, because we're finally taking the kids on the Disney trip we promised when Josh started seminary. Yea!

Here's how that went:
Dad's going to seminary: ok
We'll go to Disney when he's done: YEA
Dad has an extra internship this summer: boo
So we'll go at the end of summer: YEA
But Mom got cancer and needs surgery: boo
So we'll go in between treatments: YEA

Gotta love it!

Chemo 7: Done!

Well, it's in the system anyway. We decided to do a little bit of steroids. She gave me the dose during chemo that I've gotten in the past, I'll take 2 mg twice on Friday & Saturday, then 2 mg once on Sun & Monday. I think. Anyway, they're working on the 'taper' because that's what apparently causes the emotional crash. The nurse practitioner said that for patients with lymphoma, they get 100 mg. for treatment (I don't know what I was given, but that sounds like a lot given that my 'taper meds' are only 4 mg.) and then they don't get ANY taper. THAT'll mess with your system! Again another humbling experience to hear that after I'm going round and round trying to get dosages so my hands don't hurt. Nice, Amanda.
......
Josh picked up My Utmost for His Highest (online link) by Oswalk Chambers (Amazon) again and so every so often I read it also. If you've never read any of it, I highly recommend it! Here's one that struck me as of late:


VISION AND DARKNESS
from myutmost.org

"An horror of great darkness fell upon him." Genesis 15:12

Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, He puts him, as it were, in the shadow of His hand, and the saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a darkness which comes from excess of light, and then is the time to listen. Genesis 16 is an illustration of listening to good advice when it is dark instead of waiting for God to send the light. When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will make you in accordance with the vision He has given if you will wait His time. Never try and help God fulfil His word. Abraham went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all self-sufficiency was destroyed; there was no possibility left of relying on common-sense ways. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not of displeasure. Never pump up joy and confidence, but stay upon God (cf. Isaiah 50:10,11).

Have I any confidence in the flesh? Or have I got beyond all confidence in myself and in men and women of God; in books and prayers and ecstasies; and is my confidence placed now in God Himself, not in His blessings? "I am the Almighty God" - El-Shaddai, the Father-Mother God. The one thing for which we are all being disciplined is to know that God is real.


And so we wait in our "time of discipline." Josh & I were talking about our church planting plans 4 months ago and it felt so right and God-ordained. And now here we are in this 'desert.' What is God working out in our family? In me? In my kids and family? What will it take for me to know that God is real? What else will He teach me? Time to read Gen 16 to learn what's in there.
.....
My feet and lips are already tingly so I'm back on the couch sipping cool drinks with my feet propped on pillows. Noah's having a slumber birthday party - watching the movie 9. Not a bad gig for the moment! The comments these boys make - throughout the ENTIRE movie - are sometimes hilarious!

Eeeee!

Hear me screaming like a school girl?? That's because I found fuzz on my head!! Yea! It was confirmed by Josh that I wasn't seeing things or looking at a funny reflection in the mirror: I have fuzz on my head where before there was none. Aaaaaahhhhh! I have no idea why it's there because this taxotere drug seems to rip through my system, but if it's leaving my follicles in tact, I'm not complaining. Now.... how should I arrange the fuzz today? Hmmm. :)

All in all, the last couple of weeks have been pretty uneventful. I tried to do 'normal' last week and petered out by Friday. So...back on the couch playing Wii Boom Bloks again. Nothin' wrong with that.

We rented a small storage unit on Wolverine & Belding so we'll start boxing stuff up and bringing it over there in small loads since Josh goes right past there to work all the time. We're shooting to be out of the house by mid to late February with a few big moves to the storage unit and the Kenyons in between (did I mention we'll be at the Kenyon's? You know us, if there's a party to be had, we'll have it at the Kenyon's! How apropo that we'd move in for a while!). Don't worry, if we need help, we know how to find you - any of you - no one will be safe! Just kidding! Closing on the house will be on the 29th. The radon test, which came back high, was taken care of over the weekend.

So let's talk about radon - another good cancer topic. Radon's a odorless, tasteless, invisible gas released by decomposing matter in the ground. Usually it dissipates, but if it doesn't, levels over 4 are dangerous (sorry don't know the unit of measure for radon gas. Something per cubic something??). Radon gas is believed to be the second-most cause of lung cancer, so you can see why it's such a concern. We've always had levels of about 3something and felt 'when we could afford it' we'd take care of it (kinda like waiting to have kids until you can 'afford' them, huh? Not gonna happen). To get rid of the gas, a pipe & fan can be installed that runs from the basement out the roof somewhere which can be costly. What the new, soon-to-be owners of our house learned is that with our high-efficiency furnace we had put in a few years ago, it creates a vacuum trapping the gas in the basement/house. To fix this all that needed to be done was to drill a big hole in the basement foundation near the furnace and run a pipe up outside the house to the roofline. The hole releases the pressure creating a negative vacuum (I think) that draws everything to that pipe and therefore out to the outside. We'll do one or two more tests to see if it worked, but we're pretty confident. If not, we'll have to go with the more expensive solution instead.

So that's been our week. I'm dreading Thursday as it's another treatment. I'll call the nurse again today to ask about taking the steroids this time. It certainly cleared up the burning hand issue, but Josh really didn't like dealing with me on steroids. He figured I probably didn't realize how low I actually got. So like me: deny anything negative. So I'll ask about that. The other question for the nurse is about my sinuses/mouth. My tongue is the obvious problem, but I noticed that my sinuses seemed to get 'burned' and takes a long time to recover. Such tender tissue - will it survive?

But if my hair's surviving... I'm sure there's a drug for all the other stuff. :)

Out of the fog

After many days of not feeling like myself and feeling sorry for whatever 'self' I was, I'm glad to report the fog has lifted!

Note to self: steroids, bad!
And... I make a very bad druggy.

I was humbled today. I was reminded by a very good friend of my blessings and my short-comings. It reiterated what I was reading about 'suffering' (probably not a good topic when feeling sorry for one's self!) - that growth comes out of suffering.

I am not an empathetic person. But with each experience, each bit of suffering, I'm taught to be more empathetic. I can appreciate how one might feel when they see themselves as 'different'; I have a small taste of what it may be like to not be able to use your hands like you want to; I can say, "I know exactly what you mean!" when I hear that someone struggles with depression symptoms, or lives every day with medical concerns. At the same time, while I think that I can say, "ya, me too," I know that I can never fully walk in another's shoes, but I'm learning that I need to quit talking and start listening better.

I struggle, yes. But it's a struggle for a little while. My prayer is that my small bit of suffering may stay with me so that I may never forget the lessons I am learning as a result.

Treatment 6: Ahhh, baking soda!

I can't say that I'm enjoying this any more. I guess I never truely 'enjoyed' it, but tolerated it fine. I'm starting to lose interest.

Treatment 6. It's been said quite a bit lately, "At least it's only temporary!" Temporary cruds, temporary baldness, temporary eyelash loss, temporary swollen tongue, temporary burning hands. I find little comfort in such words, as true as they may be. Though I should qualify that there are thousands and millions of other people far worse off than I - suffering, starving, scared, lonely, grieving, hopeless, helpless. I've reminded myself many times the past few days that I must keep the end result (whatever God sees that to be) ahead of me rather than focusing on the immediate struggle. The 'whys' don't matter - I cannot begin to comprehend the 'whys' of things that happen in our world; it's 'to what end' that I need to remember. I'm writing it mostly to keep reminding myself more than to actually give new information.

I've spent more time on the couch and sleeping these past 5 days than I think I have since surgery. Is it the steroids that I'm taking to help with side-effects or is it the treatment itself? Would I be better off just dealing with the side-effects and skip the steroids? I cried at the Family Fare Pharmacy. That can't be normal. My tongue/mouth is no better off than last time, though I will say my eyelids didn't swell and I'm not sure if my hands are a little better this time, so maybe the steroids are good.

Emotionally I tell Josh not to look at me b/c I'll cry. The lady at Family Fare was telling me her breast cancer story and giving advice (which is why I cried), but it's still not a place you want to be when you fall apart. This afternoon I was crying because I always figured I'd be like my mother - always basically healthy. Then there's the struggle of 'wants': I so want to be that nurturing, warm, connected mother and wife, but at the same time I intensely want to hole away and become a hermit. ... I was telling Josh this morning that I cannot distinguish between sounds in the house: the lunch bags rustling in the kitchen are equally loud and 'important' to my brain as my dear Levi trying to tell me something 1 foot from my face. The dog walking across the floor commands as much of my mental attention as a question from Josh. I tried to make an appointment over the phone today and had to ask two or three times for the scheduler to repeat why she was calling and what she needed to schedule. Steroids or general treatment issues? We shall see.

On a funnier side, my appetite is quite interesting. Since I've got the tongue issues, keep in mind that everything I eat tastes pretty much like wax. And I do mean everything. Tonight I roasted some garlic and toasted bread with gouda cheese for a little flavor. Then I proceeded to eat the roasted garlic plain - right off my knife. Can't say I've done that before! Earlier it was a craving (at 1 a.m.) for a Whopper Jr, light mayo with all the fixings. And I've eaten so many fried egg & toasts (with more salt than usual) that I've run out of eggs - OK, so that makes a dozen, right? Ha! Anyway, it may not seem so weird, but given it all tastes like wax... I keep hoping something'll hit the spot!

I, Amanda VanTil, the non-planner, non-goal setting, non-party-throwing person wants to party with lots of food and laughter when this is all over. And then run on a warm beach. Anyone wanna join me? :)

Oh, and baking soda mouth swish is great for helping with a throbbing, nasty white tongue.

The hand of God

Yes, we sold our house!!! And we didn't even really think it was still for sale! Praise to God!

Here's our story of how God has been working in the life of our family.

Back up about 4 years ago:
In Spring of '04 I was working part-time at Calvin College, had a kindergartner, a 1st grader, and an infant. My daycare provider at the time told me she was no longer going to do childcare come Summer, so I was left to either find a new sitter and keep working or find a way to work from home and not use childcare. In exploring these options, we also considered if we wanted to homeschool our kids - something we had thought about when Noah was to start kindergarten. Combine this with Josh really feeling God calling him to finish his seminary degree (MDiv). All these factors: no child care, wanting to stay home and homeschool the kids, Josh going to seminary - God was at work in everyone in our house. So three or so years ago, I started working from home and homeschooling the kids while Josh worked part-time and went to school full-time. And, by the way, I became pregnant with Levi shortly after we started all this. Crazy! We completely saw God's hand in all of it, however. School and family was easier for Josh to balance than it had been on previous attempts. The kids and I enjoyed homeschooling, and we enjoyed the flexibility it offered - when Josh had off, we took time off too. So though it was crazy and there were plenty of tough times, we knew it was the best situation for us at that time. By the end of those three years, though, we were 'spent.'

So now we're to Summer of '09. Josh was slated to graduate in August following the last summer internship. We began interviewing with the CRC Home Missions group to start a church plant somewhere - anywhere but Iowa (no offense Iowans!) About mid-way through summer we made the decision that it would be best to try to get the kids back in school so that it would free me up to get the household ready for a move. God lead us to a 'perfect' community of people in Lethbridge, Alberta Canada (I forgot to include Canada when I prayed to be sent anywhere except Iowa). We resonated with the folks and the community, the weather, and the funding was in place so we were ready to go. I kept bugging Josh to 'just accept the position and let's go!' but he wanted to wait out his decision-making time until August 21. So knowing we'd be moving to Canada and not sure about the health care there, I scheduled what I thought would be a routine check of a lump on my breast. This, of course, lead to the breast cancer diagnosis (on August 19), surgery, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, etc., etc. The call to Lethbridge on August 21 was not a job offer acceptance, but rather sad news that we needed to wait for several months before we could really feel comfortable moving up there.

In hind-sight, God had his hand in all this! We needed to step out in faith and seriously consider moving our family to Canada. We learned later that had we moved at that time, things may not have worked out as smoothly as we were planning b/c some funding fell through for the church plant. Had we not been considering moving, I may not have worked to get the kids back at school (which now has proved ideal for me to rest and heal rather than try to immigrate like I thought I'd be doing.) Had we not been considering moving to Canada I may have waited longer to have the lump checked out. Had we moved to Canada, I would've been going through all the treatments under the (slower) Canadian health care system. I really feel God knew just what needed to happen at just the right time.

So now we're in a state of what feels like limbo. Josh cannot start his new job putting his new credentials to work. I'm out of commission trying to get healed up. What in the world is God doing? How is this working?

The For Sale sign in the front yard fell over and eventually got moved to the back of the garage. Our focus shifted from moving our family to how to deal with my new medical issue and what may be in store for Josh in all this 'waiting.' Low and behold, someone found our house on zillow.com and was super-excited about it. They looked at it Tuesday, brought the parents on Wednesday, made an offer on Thursday, accepted the counter-offer today. We sold the house!! We didn't even really think it was still on the market! What in the world is God up to??

How is this showing God at work? The way we see it, God calls us to be in relationship with Him, in real relationship with our family and community, and to stop trying to orchestrate how he's going to work. With no house to tie us down, we are poised for the ultimate opportunity to follow His calling! My excitement is renewed!! God IS working in our family! He's teaching us and working through our community! He's got a plan! I have no idea what or where it may take us, but what a relief to know that it's not my job to try to make it happen. I am - no, we are - free to follow God's calling.

Lead on!! (That's not to say I don't have my stressors about it too, but you know what I'm sayin'!)