A Bump in the Road

New blog

2011-07-04T02:17:00.001-04:00

I've not posted in a while because most my posts have been on our newest blog: Six (and a dog) in a Van

If you haven't read that one, it's following our next adventure of moving out to Oregon from Michigan to plant a church in Corvallis - home of Oregon State University. There's amazing stories of how God is bringing conversation and changing our lives through the people we meet... and a lot of updates on how the church planting is progressing, as well how to partner with us as we grow. 'Follow' that blog so you can be getting those updates. Many of my musings are now posted there as my life is now centering on this church plant rather than fighting cancer - YEA!

Check it out - I think it's pretty neat. (Especially the background, as far as aesthetics go!)

OK, God - Thanks for that today

2011-04-04T08:33:00.000-04:00

I'm not a worry-er. I'm very much take it as it's given, cross that bridge as you approach it, it'll be fine kinda gal. I don't worry about stuff.

But lately I've been worried about my kids. No, they'll be fine as we move and transition schools and homes and friends and everything else. It's not those major things that worry me and keep me awake at night. Brace yourself... what worries me is Levi's sniffles. See!! It's not even a life-shattering thing that's causing me to stress! It's distressing to me because at night, it really sounds like he can't breath, and sometimes he'll stop for a bit. Mind you, it's been going on since early February. I had horrible thoughts of...well, never mind.

So today, I said a little prayer to God before cracking open the My Utmost for His Highest that there would be a special word for me today. If you have another minute, please read it: The Way to Permanent Faith.

As I saw the title my thoughts were, "Excellent, who couldn't use this information!" Yes, it give perspective to my current worst-case-scenario thinking, which is helpful for today, but even moreso it confirmed what I had to convince myself of last night. Amongst the troubling or tough times, God is through it all and it is my fragile faith that causes me worry. See, I realized something about how I'm feeling about God at the moment. I have absolute assurance that He's the author of life, however, I don't always trust it. I realize the outcome will always be greater than what I know the present to be, but I don't trust the methods. I have forgotten His infathomable love for me - I'm convinced that the only way for me to see His blessing is by traveling through the pain - that He'll bring difficult or horrible things into my life so that I may see the blessings.

I expect disaster. And I don't think that's who God is. I believe it's the work of Satan in my mind as of late. And I and my family are easy targets right now.

I'm still supremely confident that God is moving and working all over the place in our family, in Rockford, in Corvallis, in my kids. And my worries: it doesn't add a minute to my life. (Matthew 6:27)

Ha! Busted, Satan!! (At least this time.)

Surrender

2011-03-29T09:13:00.000-04:00

We had a sermon at church a few weeks ago from the book of Luke - the parable about the widow's mite. She gave just a few cents, but it was far more precious than the hundreds of dollars the wealthy gave back to God.

But that's not what struck me. The point I walked away with (even if Jon didn't intend it) was that we are to surrender it all to God because it all belongs to Him in the first place. The point was from a financial perspective, and for our family, that's the easy thing - it's a tangible thing we can see if we are following through. But what struck me is that there's other areas of my life that I am selfish about and it's not tangible. I'm selfish about my need to escape - to be alone, do my own thing, tune out the world - essentially cut out relationships for a time. It's a huge need for me!

We were looking at houses to rent in Corvallis and came across this really cute place that was for sale with a remote possibility of being rentable. It was 1400 sq. ft on two levels. Now...how often are all my kids quietly tucked away in their rooms? Catchin' my drift? We would be 6 people and a dog happily living on top of each other in about 700 sq. ft. - actually less than that b/c the 'master' bedroom was also on the main level. I just Googled the personal space needs for Americans and only came up with the 'two foot rule' which doesn't help in this scenario. But the point is, it'd be very tight quarters. I was spending my mental energy that week trying to come up with ways that I'd be able to find a good space to 'get away' from my family, even for a short time: putting a nice Adorondek chair in the back yard with a small fountain for white noise was the best I could come up with. I love my family, but I have a huge need for escape.

But this is not why God created us! The whole reason God made us was for relationship! What a bondage I'm living in when I don't want to fully appreciate His creation! Would not my life be more "full" if I was not such a slave to my isolation? Sigh. So often the things that bring us comfort are those things which keep us in bondage. We love to eat and be merry, but are then bound by an unhealthy body. We appreciate quality, but are slaves to dissatisfaction. Love children at the cost of a wholesome union with our spouse. Love recreation, but a slave to time. I show my biases in my examples, but what about the intangibles that we are slaves to? Finish the sentence for yourself, "I need to...." or "I have to..." "If I don't do XYZ...." These are the things to which we can be slaves! If you pursue these things, what is it costing you?

Granted, there's a healthy balance in it all, but for me, it was a 'hit me on the head' kind of realization. I may not hoard money, but I hoard giving of myself. Now I need to find the balance b/w healthy Amanda and the relational Amanda that God created me to be!

End of an Era

2011-03-12T08:34:00.000-05:00

While I still have at least one more surgery to go, I'm kinda moving past this chapter of my life because we're beginnig a new one soon - our move to Oregon. You can follow that one, too: Six in a Van.

God has been walking along us the whole journey - from Josh finishing seminary, diagnosis, declining the church plant position in Lethbridge, treatments, reconstruction and now leading us to a new ministry (in the Pacific NW, no less!). The amazing thing is not just in how He's provided for our family in a multitude of ways, but how He has groomed us for each step. We (Josh & I) have been able to use the time during my treatments to further refine who we are as His children and what we can bring to ministry. Certainly wouldn't have chosen cancer as a 'time-out,' but I feel it's been a blessing for our growth. We've certainly struggled and new things have risen to the top that we must now address, but how much better to expose those struggles and deal with them straight-up rather than ignoring or remaining ignorant to their destructive results.

Praise God for my breast cancer! One heck of a 'pruning' season, but a blessing in the end.

Praying for a Block in the Road

2010-11-03T14:32:00.005-04:00

The lat flap surgery of October 8 seems to be pretty much behind me now (there's a pun in there somewhere!). At surgery, he - the plastic surgeon - placed a tissue expander between the old, leathery, radiated pectoralis and the latissimus muscle (now a new chest). Today was the second 'fill' of that tissue expander and amazingly, I'm feeling quite well! The first fill knocked me out for a good 5 days. That is to say, limited ability to use my arm, sometimes it hurt to breath b/c it would stretch my chest muscles a little more, sleeping was a hassel... driving, problematic.

But today after the second fill, I'm feeling very 'able,' which is exciting for me. Though I'm in conflict yet about my desires to do lots of 'stuff' like all the things that kids and household require, but also wanting to take the best care of myself which includes things like exercise, but also rest. So my conflict is to rest and heal (and feel the guilt of laziness) or to exercise and 'do' and potentially burn out. Such is the question for anyone, right? How much is too much and how little is just flat out wrong or unhelpful.

On another note, I heard a great sermon on the radio the last two days by Tony Evans about Jesus' handling of the death of Lazarus. One point he makes, among many (I had to pull the car over 3 times to jot down notes) is about faith NOT being a feeling. Faith in God is an action. The Bible talks about walking faithfully with God. Though perhaps I'm interpreting incorrectly as the Bible never states exactly that we 'walk by faith', I'm inclined to agree w/ Mr. Evans that faith, then, is an action much like walking is an action. Faith is not a feeling: "I feel God calling me to XYZ" but rather that our faith is more a reflection of obedience to God's Word. I may not FEEL that I should stay in a yucky situation or take steps for a new direction or whatever the case may be. But if I have been mandated by God to follow his commands as laid out in His Word, in love for Him I am to step out in faith. I cannot understand the ways of God, but I am assured of His promises and that is where faith is my blessing.

Preach to the choir, Amanda. Josh and I are praying and trying to seek God's will about what to do next: is it a new church plant somewhere, is it working for an established church, is it facilitating a restart for a church? In all these things, how will we best fulfill His command to 'go and make disciples'. Do we over-think these things? Is it as simple as 'going and making disciples' and God will fill in the blanks? I guess, Lord, I need a starting place - just like you can't start a swim race or a foot race w/out a starting block, we need a block for our family to start from.

We pray for a clear block in our road. :)

Simply this...

2010-10-06T11:16:00.003-04:00

What can I bring to the King of kings?
What can I give?
What can I bring?
What can I say as an offering, Lord?

Simply this...
I will offer up my life
In spirit and truth,
Pouring out the oil of love
As my worship to You
In surrender I must give my every part;
Lord, receive the sacrifice
Of a broken heart

I have a lot of angst today.
I have lat flap surgery on Friday morning. I don't like not knowing specifics of my life - like how long in the hospital, how long until I'll drive, will I bounce back quickly or slowly, when will this all be over? You know, the basics.

So what to do about it? As I finished running this morning (amazing thing in itself!), this Matt Redman song I Will Offer Up My Life came on my iPod. Combine pending surgery with a compelling question Josh challenged me with last night, "How ARE we different from non-Christians? Our life doesn't really reflect different values than anyone else except that we have a different schedule on Sunday mornings. We don't make it an intentional part of our lives to pray for those who don't know God, to serve the widow and orphan or those in distress! What ARE we doing??"

So I ran and then did some yoga. Try this: lay flat on your back with your arms out to the sides like when you were a kid sprawled out in the grass watching the clouds. Now bring the soles of your feet together and let your knees dangle/drop toward the ground. It'll stretch your hips a bit. Now notice your belly and your breathing (God gave you that, you know). Relax and let your belly button fall closer to the ground when you exhale - but don't force it, just relax into it. NOW, ask God this, "What can I offer?"

My answer: absolutely nothing! I can't give God anything that He doesn't already command. I can only worship him in spirit and truth - offer my broken heart.

It's a place I'm not comfortable with. I want to do it! But I know my efforts are causing me angst and forcing me to go running and do funky yoga poses. But if that's what it takes for me to hear the voice of God, I may be running a very long way and then yoga-ing ALL day! (Seems a bit self-indulgent at the same time. "Sorry kids, no dinner, I'm 'sprawling'"

'Passing It On' and 'A Dream'

2010-06-03T08:13:00.003-04:00

I had a realization...and I had a dream.

We're finishing up our series at church about families and the last sermon was on Psalm 78 and passing along our faith to the next generation. This past spring, when I started radiation, I bought two things: a giant purse and a small Bible (I'm certain size is not an indication of priority!) The purse held things like my phone for my disastrous appointments, my journal, all my creams and lotions for the skin burn, and I wanted to add the Bible to the mix. I had a wonderful ritual of dropping off the kids and then parking the car to read one of my devotional books. The books always had references to scripture texts and I wanted to use this little Bible to supplement what I was reading, obviously. So I started marking up the Bible like I had all my other ones and casually thought about some day giving it to my daughter Abby.

Shift gears a second, but keep that thought.
We're living with a dear family, the Kenyons, right now and in order to make space for all the VanTils, Patti was going through some boxes in the basement that she had 'inherited' from her folks. Within all the boxes of clothes, fabric, books, papers, etc, etc she found a letter that her mom had sent to her that spelled out in great detail what she saw as the characteristics and strengths of each of her family members. One thing that impressed me about this was the joy that Patti felt when she found this note from her mother. Yes, the material was remarkable, but the pleasure that Patti as her daughter felt when she read these words directly from her mother about what she saw in her family's future was beautiful.

So coupling our Sunday message, this new little Bible of mine, and seeing Patti's joy at reading and realizing her mother's inward thoughts spurred me to step up my game a bit. I've become even more deliberate in writing in this little Bible and underlining texts or making references so that one day, maybe at her high school graduation, I can pass along this Bible, full of my markings and a few of my thoughts to my little girl.

The realization came in that I can pass along my faith in more ways than just 'word and deed.' So often as a parent we (or maybe just I) try to find ways to parent kids using Biblical principals - bring to mind texts to quote at the right time, use Biblical analogies for discipline - but this, for me, was a simple way to impress on my kids the importance of the Bible and how it's been used in my everyday living. A tool for giving my kids a generational perspective without all my babble - let the Word of God speak for itself rather than my weak attempt to duplicate what God has already given. I'm not doing justice, but hopefully you get the point.

The other was my bizaar dream last night. It may have been a direct result of the valium (that didn't seem to be working) I took to relieve back spasms after my re-fill by the plastics guy yesterday. BTW the second time around is NOT more comfortable than the first time of expansion. Great. Anyway... the dream is this: we (Josh, me, two 20-something guys, their friend and two other folks) are driving along in a van jawing about nothing, but I have this impression of the two 20-somethings that they are, as I would call them (forgive me for stereotyping) punk business kids. That is to say, they their 'wisdom' did not match up with life-experience but they didn't know that yet. I even remember what they looked like. One kid was dark haired and when he spoke, he jutted his bottom jaw out. The other was dirty-blonde with a spent-too-much-time-at-the-beach mussy/trendy look.

Both these guys were spouting off about stuff that didn't seem to have much backbone, but they all of a sudden, threw out the following question: What good do you see having your kids follow the Bible? Not in so many words, but essentially, what use do you see the Bible having for your children? Why use the Bible?

Within my dream I jumped in and gave my answer, but upon waking I was disappointed with my gut response. So I challenge you, reader: why the Bible? What value does it hold for you? I'm thinking along the lines of Jesus' question to the disciples, "Who do people say that I am?" Their response was a quick gut reaction of what other people thought of Jesus, but He pressed them - what about YOU? Who am I to YOU? So what about the Bible? What is it to YOU? A good guidebook full of pithy, helpful advice? Is it a history book that shows us the 'way it should be'? Or a book that shows us how screwed up the rest of history was and thank goodness God doesn't turn us to pillars of salt for looking back like Lot's wife! What is it to YOU and how is it used as a tool for the next generation?

Empathy

2010-05-31T10:26:00.005-04:00

This is a continuation of the previous posting about my shingles diagnosis. So if you haven't read that one, you'll have to back-track to see what that's all about.

God's given me yet another opportunity to increase my empathy meter. One thing I've learned through my whole experience (and there's been many), it's that God apparently wanted to bolster my empathy for other people. I've always known that it's a lacking area of my life, but I kinda chuckle at the manner in which God has chosen to teach me. I must be pretty hard-headed. ("No comment," says Josh)

Anyway, in talking with a friend at church she made the comment that she was surprised to see me at all because when her friend gets shingles (and it happens every time she gets stressed) 1/2 of her face breaks out in the rash. She doesn't even want to go out in public, and I can completely see why! The rash itself is quite ugly. It starts out blistery and then gets black scabs before drying up. I have one spot that created almost a crater-like sore and may leave a scar. Even now that it's basically 'cleared up' there's still evidence of where it was. I'm fortunate that it's on my shoulder. Even there, I've gotten many comments like, "Eeuu! That's a nasty rash!" Once again, God has shown me that there are many other people that have recurring troubles that effect their daily activities...often! How might I use my experience in its limited form to show active compassion, ask better questions, and choose my words when confronted with someone who is suffering? Have I done a good job of it already? I'm sure I've already missed the boat, but I'm trying and at least now I'm aware of so much more.

What else have I learned? I've learned that it's not so bad to be in 'the club that no one wants to join.' There really is an instant connection when someone I've never met tells me they, too, have or have had breast cancer. It's become a great opportunity for me to give hugs. Hugs are a southern thing that I miss. Have you noticed that southerners are quick to give a hug? We northerners are a bit more 'personal space conscious.' :) Once again, I've a chance to try out my newly developed empathy attribute. Praise God for short hair!

Below is a pic of said short hair taken at the recent Rockford Relay for Life. I'll admit I was completely 'anti-institutional' about it (that was Josh's word. I thought it was right-on!), but it was a good time and a good thing. Can you find me? I'm in the middle of my other River Rock relay friends: Larry, Dawn, Sharon, and Andrew. Unfortunately they're only a small sampling of those of us at River Rock diagnosed. I'm repeatedly amazed at how frequently I hear of someone else being diagnosed with cancer. It's running rampant. In my opinion we need to find the source to help the problems. I'm all for finding a cure, but we need to do our part for prevention and elimination of the causes as well...proper nutrition, fewer chemicals, more exercise - if you can't identify where all the ingredients of whatever you're consuming came from directly, I'm guessing God didn't necessarily intend for your body to have to deal with it. This is by no means limiting God, but rather a call for maintaining His temple, our bodies.

I'm getting all worked up - I better quit!

Up on the rooftop...

2010-05-31T08:48:00.008-04:00

No, it's not Christmas in May...I have shingles now! (get it? rooftop...shingles? Ha!)

So here's the back-story. I got my port out on Monday, May 10 just as planned - so almost 3 weeks ago now. Two days later I had horrible shoulder tension (opposite shoulder) that I attributed to general tension or overuse (or is it something to do with the meds at port removal??). Tension/overuse seemed logical as we'd had a few weeks of a stomach bug running through our kids and I'd spent WAY too much time with the carpet cleaner. About the same time that the tension started I got a funny, rashy spot on my shoulder - you know, right where your trapezius muscle knots up - so almost directly over the worst of my tension and pain. (My dad used to grab those knots and squeeze them to release the tension if I mentioned I had a headache. I quickly learned two things: 1. Don't mention to Dad that you have a headache and 2. pressure actually does get rid of the tension!) So I was having a hard time figuring out the tension and the rash. Did I need to stretch the muscle? Exercise the muscle? Relax more? Was the rash poison ivy/oak from trompin' through the woods? Had I touched something and then pressed on those knots and now had some kind of contact dermatitus? Can tension come out through the skin? Was it sun poisoning? A radiation reaction? Strange reaction to the port? I tried stretching, yoga, relaxation, calamine lotion, hydrocortizone cream, Bag Balm, drying it out, you name it.

After about a week (which happened to be my self-imposed deadline for calling the doctor) the rash was beginning to resolve itself. What wasn't getting any better was my shoulder and muscle tension. After dealing with this 'muscle thing' for almost two weeks, I finally went the route of limiting the use of my arm. I wasn't so excited about it b/c the last thing I wanted was a frozen shoulder from not using my arm enough. (I typically do lots of stretching with that arm due to surgery and radiation. It tends to tighten up more than usual.) So a call to the doc was made and an appointment set for this past Thursday. I felt a bit sheepish about going and spent a great deal of mental energy coming up with a good explanation for why I was taking up an appointment slot because I 'stressed out' and unable to get rid of the tension in my neck and shoulder.

The appointment was uneventful and OT was recommended.

That evening Josh had a message on his cell phone from my surgeon that she had a question for me and needed me to call right away the next day. Upon calling and connecting with her nurse practitioner and answering a series of questions about the rash, it was decided that it was indeed shingles. (Great, I just aged about 15 years! Old people get shingles!) Upon investigation, shingles is fairly common after radiation. Wish I had known that!

So, now what exactly IS shingles? Shingles is dormant chicken pox that resides in nerve cells. When it's triggered, and 'they' don't really know what triggers it except maybe depressed immune system and stress, the virus moves out of the nerves and is usually evidenced on the skin as a rash (not always) and can very painful. It may seem strange to say, but YEA! It's shingles!! At least my troubles have an actual diagnosis and it's not stored up, unresolved tension. But I'll tell ya, now that I can connect the dots better... For days I was not sleeping well because of strange things going on, things like my arm consistently going numb, spasms in my back (my rhomboids), and an achey shoulder. It explains why my arm has been feeling heavy and tired. And probably I am quite tense in the shoulders trying to carry and manage the symptoms of this shingles-thing.

But the funny thing is, this time there's NOT a drug for this! Had I shown them the rash when it first showed up, they could've given me an antibiotic. And if it doesn't resolve soon, they have a drug to treat what I would presume to be early phases of postherpetic neuralgia. But we'll cross that bridge when/if we get there. Right now I'm just takin' it easy! Doctor's orders!! :)

I've got other pithy mostly non-treatment related thoughts that I'll put in another posting so this isn't so long.

Good news, good news!

2010-05-06T21:05:00.003-04:00

Had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Campbell, the chemo guy. My concerns going into the appointment were that he'd tell me I'd have to keep the port in my chest for up to 1 more year, and that he'd 'strongly recommend' that I go on tamoxifen for 5 years. But I got good news for both! Yea!

The chest port is the 'convenient' device they (you know, 'they') installed under my skin near my collar bone so that instead of poking around for a vein in my arm at every treatment and blood draw, a poke in the port is a direct line to my jugular vein. It's convenient for the chemo folks, but no one else seems to know how to use it - or, sometimes, what it really is. That, and it's pretty goofy-lookin' - a 1 inch square bulge that stands a good 1/2 inch above the rest of my chest. Lovely! Dr. Campbell usually likes to keep it in for 6-12 months "just in case" (given my tumor staging), but a sympathetic nurse practitioner was in my corner today. So the port's coming out on Monday morning!! I can't believe I'm actually excited about a surgery. Weird.

As far as the tamoxifen... it's a drug that interferes with estrogen in the body. It's actually sometimes used for fertility issues (just what we don't need!) as it stimulates the ovaries to produce estrogen, but it also works to block the estrogen receptors in the cells. Because my tumor was estrogen-receptor positive (100%, thank you very much!), tamoxifen would be highly effective in stopping the growth of any estrogen-receptor positive cancer cells in my body. All well and good, except it also is just another foreign substance in my system creating potential nasty side-effects. So the question was: is the added benefit of taking the tamoxifen significant to warrant navigating side-effects for the next 5 years? Statistically, taking taxoxifen will reduce the chance of a recurrance by up to 50%, but if I only have a 5-10% higher risk of recurrance than the general population, then it only helps by about 2-7% - if I'm going the math correctly.

The nurse practitioner said she'd check with Dr. Campbell what exactly my 'numbers' looked like so I could have a good figure by which to base my decision. When she came back, she was very surprised by what Dr. Campbell had told her. His answer was that though my tumor was fairly large, we had treated it very aggressively - bilateral mastectomy, chemo, and radiation. So the chance of it coming back was already reduced significantly and that if I didn't want to take the drug, he could really argue against that decision. Yea! His response certainly made the decision easy.

So there we go. Just like that, I'm feeling completely free and clear of my cancer treatments. Hooray!

One to go!!

2010-04-22T14:03:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is my LAST radiation treatment!! Hooray! After that, I'm done, done - no more treatments. Reconstruction will happen in 6-12 months and follow-up visits once every 3-6 mo. for the next 5 years, but otherwise free of the whole oncology treatment department. Phew!

It's been a while since I did any updates so here goes: the hair is finally, actually, truly coming in - like real hair not just fuzzies. Think: Natalie Portman or Chenade O'Conner, at best. Last Friday I dared to go out without my hat on - amazing! Granted, it was kinda in a part of town where I'd fit right in with my shaven head and their dreadlocks, so it was a natural fit. I've been to the grocery store and to school without the hat, but at this point, a hat is more functional than an aesthetic issue - it's cold without it! The other day I was bawling in the car (for any number of reasons, right?) and Josh asked about my tears. My response: "It's all BREEZY around my neck!!" Such is life. I can't decide, on the other hand, whether to strive for the long hair of last year, or to stick with the low maintenance version I've come to appreciate. Long, higher maintenance and warm, or short, low maintenance and breezy? I'm certain I've ruled out the mullet, though it'd solve much of the dilemma.

Eyebrows are coming back, though it seems like all the ones I've been plucking for years are returning with a vengeance while the ones I'm currently coloring in seem a bit more slow growing.

Eyelashes - I've tried to mascara them, but to no avail. Soon, though, as I can actually see a whole line of small lashes marching across my eyelid. I've lost that gaunt, blank-slate, dark circles under the eyes look from chemo as well. Things are going back to the 'old normal'!

If I were to compare radiation and chemo, I'd say radiation is much easier in some ways. Chemo has this constant swing of symptoms to manage which is emotionally, psychologically, and physically exhausting. Radiation, on the other hand, is at least predictable - every day the same routine, the same side-effects (slowly increasing). On the flip side, chemo symptoms would generally resolve in a few days where radiation is definitely a cumulative effect. I was eager for Fridays to come around b/c no treatment on the weekend, but quickly learned the burning would still increase even without treatment.

The radiated area is finally starting to peel (or "desquamate" - a new word I've learned. You know, shedding of the squamous layer of your epidermis), but it's not the same looking peel as a general sunburn. My skin, over the course of treatment, had gotten dark polka-dots that eventually blended together. This is peeling off, but the skin below is not the healthy-looking pink of fresh skin. It's more of a fresh healthy skin with a pre-existing sunburn. So I don't know if this too will peel or what will happen. I don't even want to think what my internal organs look like!

Depending how the skin heals and if it thickens or tightens when it does, will determine if I'll need the lat flap for reconstruction (I'll let you look that up if you're interested. It borders on TMI for the faint of heart). Though it's not even been suggested that I would NOT have that done - it's generally the MO after radiation according to my perfectionistic plastic surgeon - I'm hoping that the skin will do so well that I'll be able to do just tissue expander/implant on this radiated side. While I'd like to think I'd be the exception to needing the lat flap after radiation, I also was under the impression I'd never get cancer. So my hopes are tainted with a bit of realism at the same time. All kidding aside, I'd really love to not have another huge surgery before this is all over with.

So there you go! Radiation: almost done Hair: almost in Skin: almost peeled off Hooray!!

Radiation

2010-03-27T13:53:00.003-04:00

I've finished 12 sessions of radiation already, so that's about 1/3 of the way. Yea! So far I have not much to report. I still take it easy and tire out quicker than I'd like, but nothing a nap can't cure. And I'm just starting to see the 'sunburn' show up - especially under my arm. I was glad when Friday arrived this week because now I have two days without radiation to hopefully give my skin a break. Aloe, aloe, aloe!

On another note, not related to radiation (imagine that!)... I still continue to lose hair! It's growing on my head, but I've lost a significant portion of my eyebrows now. One got left behind in Florida so if any of you spring-breakers down there find it, I'd love to have it back! (Eeeu!) So now I can draw on my expressions: happy brows, angry brows, etc. It sounds a bit like a Mr. Potato Head! I'm told to expect hair to start growing back 6 weeks after chemo and this past Wednesday was it, so bring it on!! This past Thursday marked 5 months of no hair - we shaved it on October 25. That's a lot of hat-wearing!

The Future

2010-03-21T20:49:00.006-04:00

Imagine, if you will (no, this isn't the beginning of a Twilight Zone episode, though maybe it'll turn out that way...) that the definition of 'future' was changed. I should explain that Josh & I have been challenged in the last little bit about what our future looks like, and then in church today I was challenged again. So here's what I've been thinking about lately:

What does "your future" mean to you? To me, I never gave it a second thought that I wouldn't live into my 80's at least (and there's nothing to say that I won't!). I figured I'd graduate my kids, do 'the 50's & 60's thing' whatever that looked like, age gracefully in my 70's and then die in my 80's. What if it's not like that? -- and this may turn morbid for some, so if you want to remain cheery, stop now!

What if the 'future' was suddenly your 'present.' That is to say, what if you suddenly realized that you would not live to graduate your kids and then 'do life' as a 50-80 year old? So let's bring it home: if you knew you would not live more than, say, 10 more years - a single decade, what would you do differently that you aren't (or are) doing now? What would you change about your family life or your work load or your spiritual life - or your spiritual journey? Could you say with full conviction and follow it up with your actions that Jesus "is the Christ, the Son of the Living God"? Or that you know Jesus died to be your Savior - to save you...from yourself, really - from your 'sinful' bent, specifically.

OK, move out of that aspect: would you travel more? Talk more... or less? Read more, or be an advocate for someone or something? Work less, take your kids out of school more? Give more away, or take up something? Take things more seriously or maybe less seriously? Would you pursue that which makes you happy or strive to improve someone else's life? What would you want to accomplish in 10 years? Do you need to accomplish anything? Would whatever you accomplish be tangible or intangible? What do you want to pass along in the next 10 years? Does it all match up with what Christ has for you?

How about this: name some thing that you'd like to have identified with your life. A butterfly that only lives a short time but is appreciated by so many for its beauty? A rock that is never changing and is solid to then end. A rubberband that adjust itself for anything. What about a video camera that doesn't miss a thing. A firework. A medication. A lamp. A lotion. If there was something in this world that you would want people to identify with you, what would it be, and why? What would God create you to be or change you to become? Jesus talked about us being salt. Hmmm.

Strange questions, I know, but I'm realizing that we cannot assume that we'll all live to our 80's or longer (duh!) no matter what our current, wonderful status is right at the moment. We cannot assume that the families we are building will remain indefinitely. Given this knowledge, what might change about how we live our lives? What would it look like to completely surrender to God's will? It's exciting to think that if I were to surrender to God's will completely and entirely I may not even recognize myself! That's the beauty and the freaky thing about it...I have ideas about what I want to do and become, but God's got so much more in store for me if I would just get out of the way!

God, move me out that I may become your creation not some lesser thing of my own design.
Hmmm. What exactly does that look like - and how does that work, exactly?

Last of chemo, Disney, and Radiation

2010-03-12T17:01:00.004-05:00

Ahh, back home from lovely Florida -- or more specifically, Disney. It seems to be an entity unto itself! We had a blast, but by about 1/2 way through our littlest ones were saying, "I don't want to go to Disney anymore!!" So we told them we were going to the zoo, aka Animal Kingdom. It seemed to work for Levi! I could go on and on about how much fun it was, but if you've been there, you know all that and if you haven't...well, you've probably heard a million people say how great it is, yes!? The nice part is that it's nothing like the usual amusement parks like any Six Flags or Cedar Point. It's much more experiential and (don't tell the kids) occasionally educational. They actually try to teach you something sometimes. Granted, I don't agree with Disney's philosophy on lots of issues, but the education I'm referring to is more about conservation issues - though again, it seems to be a meca for plastic and energy consumption. But I've learned they're at least 'trying' (in some respects) to be considerate of earth's resources.

As far as my treatments, I'm working out the last of the chemo issues - and it's not so pretty. My fingernails have finally 'bit it.' They kept saying that my nails would get nasty, and in the scheme of things, it's not really that bad, but my hands look like a construction workers. No offense to my hard working construction folks, but it's not very lady-like to have peeling, splitting ugly fingertips! What's happened is that the nail bed has dried up and separated from the nail itself. Very odd. One thumb nail has actually peeled off...from the bottom up. And a few others have disconnected at the top. Sigh. Could be worse!

Another strange issue I'm working though is sore muscles. I've got tremendous knots in my arms, which is nice for that bulky, I've-been-exercising look, but it's not very comfortable. And if my soreness is from vacuuming or cleaning a bathroom, that's kinda unusual also. Dehydration? Too much tension?? Who knows. I've made it my job this week to sleep and drink water/Propel. Not bad! It's not necessarily fixing the muscle thing, but making me feel better none-the-less.

And now...radiation. I went on the 25th or so of Feb. for 'mapping' which got me set up for the actual treatments. They had me lay on a foam or something in the position needed for treatments (arms overhead w/ head to one side) and then added a chemical into a bag around the foam in order to make an impression of my upper body. This hardened and is what I use to lay on during treatments. They also added three small tattoos (one under each arm and another over my sternum) which are 'landmarks' to help w/ positioning. Obviously positioning is critical in all this. Wouldn't want to zap the wrong thing!

While we were at Disney, the Dr. used a CT scan they did at the mapping to identify the angles and whatnot for the treatment. At my "first" appointment this week Wednesday they took some x-rays to see if I was in a good...you got it...position (where's Ms. Dale, my HS English teacher and her cursed thesaurus!) and then a dry-run of treatment for the doc to check. That turned out fine so they did the actual first treatment. Treatment itself takes less than five minutes.

They said as far as side-effects, the biggest is dry, irritated skin -- think sunburn. And fatigue. This all happens in about the 2nd or 3rd week. So far, after treatments 1 & 2 I did done nothing but sleep. Today was better, so I'm thinking that was simply recovery time from moving and traveling. Noah came home Wednesday and asked, "Can you move??" My answer, "Yes, but I don't want to." Noah: "Sweet! I get to make dinner. I'll start a movie, too!" That's my boy! I think he thought I'd be down for the count until the end of April. Sorry, Buddy!

Radiation treatments are every day M-F for 33 'sessions' or until the end of April.

A new friend, hearing, and George

2010-02-19T09:54:00.004-05:00

I have a new friend. It's a very one-sided relationship, but it's working for us both. It's name is Darvocet. I take it, it gives pain relief. It also makes me dizzy which makes me puke, but you have to take the good with the bad, right?

Tuesday night the congestion in my head and ears started to effect my hearing. As I understand, sinus issues are one of those side-effects of taxotere, but one you just kinda have to deal with and get through. Wednesday evening found me in the med. center with throbbing ear pain (thank you Janna and Bev for helping!) A couple hours later I'm on amox. and darvocet and sleeping like a babe. Unfortunately even today (Friday) my hearing and dizziness hasn't resolved. I imagine that due to chemo, my healing factor is down so much that it'll take a while. I'm confident that some time today, the goo'll slide away from my eardrum and I'll be back on track! Knock on wood.

Which brings us to hearing. God continues to add to my areas of empathy - this time: those with hearing troubles. I've learned that I rely a great deal on periferal input when having conversations. To be able to glean feedback from your environment through sounds and not just sight has a huge impact on my ability to have a conversation. So in a short conversation with someone across the room at a gathering not only can I not tell how loudly I am talking and if I'm communicating clearly, but I can't get auditory feedback from the room to know if other people are hmm,mmm-ing/tuning in that I should pay attention to additional people. Plus the frequencies that I can hear are over-the-top distracting and interfering with all the mental energy I'm putting out (and when I'm not feeling well and responding to my environment effectively, I tend to mentally shut down, so it's not saying much!) It's exhausting! Another area of growth and learning for Amanda!

In the meantime, LOTS of rest. Yesterday I emerged from the bedroom for less than an hour total probably. Josh on the other hand, made a fantastic meal of prime rib, glazed carrots, spinach/cranberry/avocado salad, cheesy potatoes, etc., etc. He spent the morning moving stuff and the afternoon/evening in the kitchen. You see, we had our neighbors over for a farewell dinner last night. If you have not had your neighbors over as a collective group for dinner, I highly recommend it! In our neighborhood, we talk and enjoy our neighbors individually (when we're not hibernating), but we had never gathered them all at the same time. In our next neighborhood, we're going to have everyone over shortly after we move in. It just makes sense.

And finally, George. We found a home for George! Barring any disaster at pick-up tonight, he'll be the happy resident on a 20 acre horse farm out in Standale. Hooray! Though cat adoption and cancer don't seem intricately linked, there's certainly a connection between stress & anxiety and slow recovery. So to have George safely adopted means less anxiety and greater healing. Knock on wood, again.

Thank you, God for teaching moments and small blessings.

Party Time!!

2010-02-11T21:45:00.007-05:00

I have to say, I have an amazing husband! And he knows I need my amazing friends.

Today was my last chemo treatment. Hazaaah!! I'll admit I almost didn't go. I've noticed a pattern over the last 4 treatments that on the day/night before not only do I go into a depression-like funk, but sometimes I actually start to feel like I've already begun treatment. The brain's an amazing thing, huh? So needless to say, yesterday was a horrible day for me, but I've got an amazing husband who recognized what I need & insisted on helping me, and an amazing community of friends that continue to support our family (thank you Visser family!). They got me - us - through it. It was very good for them to help with the kids yesterday.

Today I woke up overly anxious. I couldn't get out the door soon enough to get it over with. My poor doctors usually get 'punchy Amanda,' (the sarcastic, pessimistic version) but they're good sports about it - at least at 'bedside.' Maybe they all walk out wiping their brow and pulling faces, I'll never know! Josh gave me a great 'silver-lining' pep talk on the way there. He's good at it and I've recommended the talk to a few people already :) It helped, too, that I was able to get a good chunk of time with my sister Lisa who went with me today. So I did it. I finished chemo!

AND THEN....
When I got home (can I just tell you how great Josh is??) there were flowers and valentine chocolates waiting (which I ate [the chocolates, that is] because tomorrow I won't be able to taste them) and a note saying he's got a babysitter and we're going out tonight. What a man! But it gets better... He surprised me by inviting a bunch of friends and my sister to meet us at the restaurant!! I have never felt so special and pleased to celebrate a gucky day in my life! Thank you everyone. Thank you, Josh.

(Josh started his own blog yesterday: "My wife has cancer" I haven't googled the topic (and maybe it'll have a different purpose), but I'm not sure there's many blogs about what it's like to be the support system for a spouse going through cancer. Maybe there is. It's a brand new blog so there's nothing posted just yet.)

So enough about my wonderful hubby - focus, Amanda, it's a cancer blog.
The Plan: tomorrow I'll go for the WBC-boosting Neulasta shot (because it didn't work out not to) and then mentally check out for the weekend. Josh'll move much of the house to storage and our 'new home' over the weekend, we'll manage side-effects all next week, move out and then we're done-done with this round of chemo. I cannot wait!

So we've done a little partying, now to run on the warm beach :)

Oh! We need a home for George the cat, STAT! He needs a permanent or temporary home before we move out on the 21st. Here's a pic and if you (or any friends) wanna adopt or borrow, please let us know. He'll be put down if he's brought to the shelter, I'm quite certain, and he's too nice a cat for that, poor thing.

Some week!

2010-02-03T17:11:00.007-05:00

Well last week was a trip to the ER. This week is a double-trip to the kids' doctor's office. JUST the place I do NOT want to be right now.

Esther and Levi both have ear infections. Esther went in on Monday. Levi was checked that day, but was fine. Naturally. But by Tuesday night he, too, was complaining of a painful ear. So...antibiotics for everyone! Thankfully we've discovered the free meds from Meijer. Yea! My cipro and their amox. was free! Makes you wonder who's paying for them. I'm guessing NOT Meijer.

This past weekend we - scratch that - Josh and a couple of buddies (thank you George and Dave!) moved some - scratch that - lots of furniture out of the basement, stuff from the shed and garage, and some from the storage area over to the new storage unit. (I sound like we should be on an episode of "Clean House"!) This Friday a few other friends (thank Dirk/Kristen and Dave/Sally!) will come spend a good chunk of time helping box up stuff all over the house. The following week, we'll probably move stuff/furniture to the Kenyons and then the week after that - we're out! And homeless! Yea! Oh ya, and have a round of chemo in there, too.

Even though it's the last round of chemo, I still dread the thought of going. I was bemoaning my situation this week. You know, for being a primarily (though not entirely) 'female' disease, it certainly has a way of making you feel less womanly. And why does it take so long to treat it when theoretically the cancer's gone following surgery? Why can an antibiotic kill a virus/bacteria in 5-10 days, and it takes months and months and all your hair falling out for a cancer cell to die? I can't imagine the chemo drugs are that much less hefty. Sigh. One to go. Almost done. And I can almost see the "5:00 shadow-ish" look of my hair without squinting into the mirror. So those are all good things.

Did you know...
Read a devotional this week (My Utmost for His Highest again). It put it so plainly and I don't know if I've heard it said so clearly - our redemption is not for our sake, that is for us to be closer to God, but it's for God's sake - so that he may be glorified. I always kinda thought salvation was for us to get 'out of the muck' but, Hello!, our salvation is for God that we may glorify him. Imagine that...it's not about me. Funny thing. :) We so often strive to 'save' someone when in reality we should be redeeming them for God.

Caught a Bug

2010-01-28T21:13:00.004-05:00

I made the mistake of taking my temperature yesterday. But I learned that they take 'temperatures' very seriously over in the oncology department!

I was feeling the usual aches that come the days following treatment, but for whatever reason, they were different aches. That, combined with the fact that usually on Tuesday/Wednesday I'm feeling better, and I was feeling pretty crappy. So on a whim I took my temp. 100.5 Low-grade, but in chemo-world that's the red-flag number. I phoned the doctors office and told them the temp and asked if I should freak out or if there was something I needed to do. Given the fact, too that I didn't have the 'day after shot' of neulasta to boost the white blood count I think caused concern. I was instructed to go get my blood drawn to check the profile ASAP. Meanwhile I remembered I could take an ibuprofen and was feeling much better, thank you very much. So I went home, took a nap, and waited for them to tell me if I should 'freak out.'

Josh woke me up soon after and told me we were off the the ER. Lovely. You can imagine how excited we were for that! Long story short, I got a heavy-duty dose of antibiotics and sent home with two other antibiotics and strict instructions not to go near germs, to come in immediately if my temp "spiked," (to a whoppin' 101) and not to take an more ibuprofen/tylenol in case it was masking any infections.

So while I say I wish I never took my temp - that I shoulda just taken an ibuprofen, gotten a good shoulder rub and called it good - their response to my low temp was significant. Apparently when your WBC counts are low and you show signs of illness, it can get out of hand in a hurry. So I appreciate their precautions. I suppose I'm just not accustomed to so much fuss over a few stiff muscles and a headache.

Today I'm feeling significantly better, so I gotta believe I really was fighting something!

Met with the radiation oncologist, Dr. Kastner, today also. Looks like the plan is that after my last chemo on Feb. 11 I'll go downstairs for 'mapping.' I'm not quite sure what that means other than they'll add a few tatoos on me (sorry, no roses or "I love Mom" - just tiny dots) and begin the creation of the virtual me that they'll use to figure the tangents, etc for zapping the potentially cancerous lymph nodes and tissues. Yes, it'll be as fun as it sounds. Treatments won't actually start until mid-March, however, because we're finally taking the kids on the Disney trip we promised when Josh started seminary. Yea!

Here's how that went:
Dad's going to seminary: ok
We'll go to Disney when he's done: YEA
Dad has an extra internship this summer: boo
So we'll go at the end of summer: YEA
But Mom got cancer and needs surgery: boo
So we'll go in between treatments: YEA

Gotta love it!

Chemo 7: Done!

2010-01-21T21:46:00.002-05:00

Well, it's in the system anyway. We decided to do a little bit of steroids. She gave me the dose during chemo that I've gotten in the past, I'll take 2 mg twice on Friday & Saturday, then 2 mg once on Sun & Monday. I think. Anyway, they're working on the 'taper' because that's what apparently causes the emotional crash. The nurse practitioner said that for patients with lymphoma, they get 100 mg. for treatment (I don't know what I was given, but that sounds like a lot given that my 'taper meds' are only 4 mg.) and then they don't get ANY taper. THAT'll mess with your system! Again another humbling experience to hear that after I'm going round and round trying to get dosages so my hands don't hurt. Nice, Amanda.
......
Josh picked up My Utmost for His Highest (online link) by Oswalk Chambers (Amazon) again and so every so often I read it also. If you've never read any of it, I highly recommend it! Here's one that struck me as of late:

VISION AND DARKNESS
from myutmost.org

"An horror of great darkness fell upon him." Genesis 15:12

Whenever God gives a vision to a saint, He puts him, as it were, in the shadow of His hand, and the saint's duty is to be still and listen. There is a darkness which comes from excess of light, and then is the time to listen. Genesis 16 is an illustration of listening to good advice when it is dark instead of waiting for God to send the light. When God gives a vision and darkness follows, wait. God will make you in accordance with the vision He has given if you will wait His time. Never try and help God fulfil His word. Abraham went through thirteen years of silence, but in those years all self-sufficiency was destroyed; there was no possibility left of relying on common-sense ways. Those years of silence were a time of discipline, not of displeasure. Never pump up joy and confidence, but stay upon God (cf. Isaiah 50:10,11).

Have I any confidence in the flesh? Or have I got beyond all confidence in myself and in men and women of God; in books and prayers and ecstasies; and is my confidence placed now in God Himself, not in His blessings? "I am the Almighty God" - El-Shaddai, the Father-Mother God. The one thing for which we are all being disciplined is to know that God is real.

And so we wait in our "time of discipline." Josh & I were talking about our church planting plans 4 months ago and it felt so right and God-ordained. And now here we are in this 'desert.' What is God working out in our family? In me? In my kids and family? What will it take for me to know that God is real? What else will He teach me? Time to read Gen 16 to learn what's in there.
.....
My feet and lips are already tingly so I'm back on the couch sipping cool drinks with my feet propped on pillows. Noah's having a slumber birthday party - watching the movie 9. Not a bad gig for the moment! The comments these boys make - throughout the ENTIRE movie - are sometimes hilarious!

Eeeee!

2010-01-19T08:40:00.005-05:00

Hear me screaming like a school girl?? That's because I found fuzz on my head!! Yea! It was confirmed by Josh that I wasn't seeing things or looking at a funny reflection in the mirror: I have fuzz on my head where before there was none. Aaaaaahhhhh! I have no idea why it's there because this taxotere drug seems to rip through my system, but if it's leaving my follicles in tact, I'm not complaining. Now.... how should I arrange the fuzz today? Hmmm. :)

All in all, the last couple of weeks have been pretty uneventful. I tried to do 'normal' last week and petered out by Friday. So...back on the couch playing Wii Boom Bloks again. Nothin' wrong with that.

We rented a small storage unit on Wolverine & Belding so we'll start boxing stuff up and bringing it over there in small loads since Josh goes right past there to work all the time. We're shooting to be out of the house by mid to late February with a few big moves to the storage unit and the Kenyons in between (did I mention we'll be at the Kenyon's? You know us, if there's a party to be had, we'll have it at the Kenyon's! How apropo that we'd move in for a while!). Don't worry, if we need help, we know how to find you - any of you - no one will be safe! Just kidding! Closing on the house will be on the 29th. The radon test, which came back high, was taken care of over the weekend.

So let's talk about radon - another good cancer topic. Radon's a odorless, tasteless, invisible gas released by decomposing matter in the ground. Usually it dissipates, but if it doesn't, levels over 4 are dangerous (sorry don't know the unit of measure for radon gas. Something per cubic something??). Radon gas is believed to be the second-most cause of lung cancer, so you can see why it's such a concern. We've always had levels of about 3something and felt 'when we could afford it' we'd take care of it (kinda like waiting to have kids until you can 'afford' them, huh? Not gonna happen). To get rid of the gas, a pipe & fan can be installed that runs from the basement out the roof somewhere which can be costly. What the new, soon-to-be owners of our house learned is that with our high-efficiency furnace we had put in a few years ago, it creates a vacuum trapping the gas in the basement/house. To fix this all that needed to be done was to drill a big hole in the basement foundation near the furnace and run a pipe up outside the house to the roofline. The hole releases the pressure creating a negative vacuum (I think) that draws everything to that pipe and therefore out to the outside. We'll do one or two more tests to see if it worked, but we're pretty confident. If not, we'll have to go with the more expensive solution instead.

So that's been our week. I'm dreading Thursday as it's another treatment. I'll call the nurse again today to ask about taking the steroids this time. It certainly cleared up the burning hand issue, but Josh really didn't like dealing with me on steroids. He figured I probably didn't realize how low I actually got. So like me: deny anything negative. So I'll ask about that. The other question for the nurse is about my sinuses/mouth. My tongue is the obvious problem, but I noticed that my sinuses seemed to get 'burned' and takes a long time to recover. Such tender tissue - will it survive?

But if my hair's surviving... I'm sure there's a drug for all the other stuff. :)

Out of the fog

2010-01-08T23:41:00.003-05:00

After many days of not feeling like myself and feeling sorry for whatever 'self' I was, I'm glad to report the fog has lifted!

Note to self: steroids, bad!
And... I make a very bad druggy.

I was humbled today. I was reminded by a very good friend of my blessings and my short-comings. It reiterated what I was reading about 'suffering' (probably not a good topic when feeling sorry for one's self!) - that growth comes out of suffering.

I am not an empathetic person. But with each experience, each bit of suffering, I'm taught to be more empathetic. I can appreciate how one might feel when they see themselves as 'different'; I have a small taste of what it may be like to not be able to use your hands like you want to; I can say, "I know exactly what you mean!" when I hear that someone struggles with depression symptoms, or lives every day with medical concerns. At the same time, while I think that I can say, "ya, me too," I know that I can never fully walk in another's shoes, but I'm learning that I need to quit talking and start listening better.

I struggle, yes. But it's a struggle for a little while. My prayer is that my small bit of suffering may stay with me so that I may never forget the lessons I am learning as a result.

Treatment 6: Ahhh, baking soda!

2010-01-05T19:37:00.004-05:00

I can't say that I'm enjoying this any more. I guess I never truely 'enjoyed' it, but tolerated it fine. I'm starting to lose interest.

Treatment 6. It's been said quite a bit lately, "At least it's only temporary!" Temporary cruds, temporary baldness, temporary eyelash loss, temporary swollen tongue, temporary burning hands. I find little comfort in such words, as true as they may be. Though I should qualify that there are thousands and millions of other people far worse off than I - suffering, starving, scared, lonely, grieving, hopeless, helpless. I've reminded myself many times the past few days that I must keep the end result (whatever God sees that to be) ahead of me rather than focusing on the immediate struggle. The 'whys' don't matter - I cannot begin to comprehend the 'whys' of things that happen in our world; it's 'to what end' that I need to remember. I'm writing it mostly to keep reminding myself more than to actually give new information.

I've spent more time on the couch and sleeping these past 5 days than I think I have since surgery. Is it the steroids that I'm taking to help with side-effects or is it the treatment itself? Would I be better off just dealing with the side-effects and skip the steroids? I cried at the Family Fare Pharmacy. That can't be normal. My tongue/mouth is no better off than last time, though I will say my eyelids didn't swell and I'm not sure if my hands are a little better this time, so maybe the steroids are good.

Emotionally I tell Josh not to look at me b/c I'll cry. The lady at Family Fare was telling me her breast cancer story and giving advice (which is why I cried), but it's still not a place you want to be when you fall apart. This afternoon I was crying because I always figured I'd be like my mother - always basically healthy. Then there's the struggle of 'wants': I so want to be that nurturing, warm, connected mother and wife, but at the same time I intensely want to hole away and become a hermit. ... I was telling Josh this morning that I cannot distinguish between sounds in the house: the lunch bags rustling in the kitchen are equally loud and 'important' to my brain as my dear Levi trying to tell me something 1 foot from my face. The dog walking across the floor commands as much of my mental attention as a question from Josh. I tried to make an appointment over the phone today and had to ask two or three times for the scheduler to repeat why she was calling and what she needed to schedule. Steroids or general treatment issues? We shall see.

On a funnier side, my appetite is quite interesting. Since I've got the tongue issues, keep in mind that everything I eat tastes pretty much like wax. And I do mean everything. Tonight I roasted some garlic and toasted bread with gouda cheese for a little flavor. Then I proceeded to eat the roasted garlic plain - right off my knife. Can't say I've done that before! Earlier it was a craving (at 1 a.m.) for a Whopper Jr, light mayo with all the fixings. And I've eaten so many fried egg & toasts (with more salt than usual) that I've run out of eggs - OK, so that makes a dozen, right? Ha! Anyway, it may not seem so weird, but given it all tastes like wax... I keep hoping something'll hit the spot!

I, Amanda VanTil, the non-planner, non-goal setting, non-party-throwing person wants to party with lots of food and laughter when this is all over. And then run on a warm beach. Anyone wanna join me? :)

Oh, and baking soda mouth swish is great for helping with a throbbing, nasty white tongue.

The hand of God

2009-12-18T13:16:00.003-05:00

Yes, we sold our house!!! And we didn't even really think it was still for sale! Praise to God!

Here's our story of how God has been working in the life of our family.

Back up about 4 years ago:
In Spring of '04 I was working part-time at Calvin College, had a kindergartner, a 1st grader, and an infant. My daycare provider at the time told me she was no longer going to do childcare come Summer, so I was left to either find a new sitter and keep working or find a way to work from home and not use childcare. In exploring these options, we also considered if we wanted to homeschool our kids - something we had thought about when Noah was to start kindergarten. Combine this with Josh really feeling God calling him to finish his seminary degree (MDiv). All these factors: no child care, wanting to stay home and homeschool the kids, Josh going to seminary - God was at work in everyone in our house. So three or so years ago, I started working from home and homeschooling the kids while Josh worked part-time and went to school full-time. And, by the way, I became pregnant with Levi shortly after we started all this. Crazy! We completely saw God's hand in all of it, however. School and family was easier for Josh to balance than it had been on previous attempts. The kids and I enjoyed homeschooling, and we enjoyed the flexibility it offered - when Josh had off, we took time off too. So though it was crazy and there were plenty of tough times, we knew it was the best situation for us at that time. By the end of those three years, though, we were 'spent.'

So now we're to Summer of '09. Josh was slated to graduate in August following the last summer internship. We began interviewing with the CRC Home Missions group to start a church plant somewhere - anywhere but Iowa (no offense Iowans!) About mid-way through summer we made the decision that it would be best to try to get the kids back in school so that it would free me up to get the household ready for a move. God lead us to a 'perfect' community of people in Lethbridge, Alberta Canada (I forgot to include Canada when I prayed to be sent anywhere except Iowa). We resonated with the folks and the community, the weather, and the funding was in place so we were ready to go. I kept bugging Josh to 'just accept the position and let's go!' but he wanted to wait out his decision-making time until August 21. So knowing we'd be moving to Canada and not sure about the health care there, I scheduled what I thought would be a routine check of a lump on my breast. This, of course, lead to the breast cancer diagnosis (on August 19), surgery, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, etc., etc. The call to Lethbridge on August 21 was not a job offer acceptance, but rather sad news that we needed to wait for several months before we could really feel comfortable moving up there.

In hind-sight, God had his hand in all this! We needed to step out in faith and seriously consider moving our family to Canada. We learned later that had we moved at that time, things may not have worked out as smoothly as we were planning b/c some funding fell through for the church plant. Had we not been considering moving, I may not have worked to get the kids back at school (which now has proved ideal for me to rest and heal rather than try to immigrate like I thought I'd be doing.) Had we not been considering moving to Canada I may have waited longer to have the lump checked out. Had we moved to Canada, I would've been going through all the treatments under the (slower) Canadian health care system. I really feel God knew just what needed to happen at just the right time.

So now we're in a state of what feels like limbo. Josh cannot start his new job putting his new credentials to work. I'm out of commission trying to get healed up. What in the world is God doing? How is this working?

The For Sale sign in the front yard fell over and eventually got moved to the back of the garage. Our focus shifted from moving our family to how to deal with my new medical issue and what may be in store for Josh in all this 'waiting.' Low and behold, someone found our house on zillow.com and was super-excited about it. They looked at it Tuesday, brought the parents on Wednesday, made an offer on Thursday, accepted the counter-offer today. We sold the house!! We didn't even really think it was still on the market! What in the world is God up to??

How is this showing God at work? The way we see it, God calls us to be in relationship with Him, in real relationship with our family and community, and to stop trying to orchestrate how he's going to work. With no house to tie us down, we are poised for the ultimate opportunity to follow His calling! My excitement is renewed!! God IS working in our family! He's teaching us and working through our community! He's got a plan! I have no idea what or where it may take us, but what a relief to know that it's not my job to try to make it happen. I am - no, we are - free to follow God's calling.

Lead on!! (That's not to say I don't have my stressors about it too, but you know what I'm sayin'!)

Treatment 5 realties

2009-12-17T08:54:00.003-05:00

It's one week post-treatment which means today I went in for a CBC blood profile. I figured they'd tell me my "white blood counts are in toilet, but that's where we like to see them," and that my platelets are low, but I was wrong! Apparently these drugs do not effect the blood as dramatically. But I did have a whole bunch of questions about the side-effects I'm having:

For about 36+ hrs. my tongue and throat felt about 2 sizes too big. Now it feels like I burned my whole mouth and it's ready to peel or something. Consequently everything tastes like wax. Nurse Wendy prescribed a Nystatin oral rinse - so it's been thrush I've been bothered with.
My eyes have been quite dry, which I'm told is because they want to tear, but can't. This makes me rub them a bit which is causing eyelashes to come off.
General muscle weakness/aches. It hit about 11 pm on Friday night. I realized I better get to bed or I'd never get there at all. That went away some time Sunday.
And then there's my hands. Monday what looks like a burn showed up between my ring and pinky finger, and my nail beds were generally sensitive. Tuesday-Wednesday the sensitivity has increased to the whole hand and there's several spots that have that 'burned' look to them. It's a bit like having been out in the freezing weather without gloves and then coming in to stick them under hot water. Ouch! Even getting on my socks this morning was a chore. Washing in hot water is a definite 'out.' Even Nurse Wendy looked at my hands and said, "Ouch" which helped me feel that I wasn't crazy. She prescribed "a drug for that!" that will help with the next round. She did say not to be surprised if my hands started to peel as that was the next step. Eeeuuu!
And the bowel issues are not cleared up.

Other than all that, I'm feeling functional on a limited basis - and it sounds worse than it is. Naps are still frequent, though I'm not falling asleep in the middle of life as I was earlier in the week. My mom was commenting that all these symptoms are looked at as 'normal' when there's really nothing 'normal' about them at all. But, ya know, if you have cancer, this IS normal - this is my new normal. Everyone has their burdens to bear, my just happens to include hurting hands and no hair. About the hands part, I realize now, and wish I had been more understanding when my Grandpa mentioned that his hands hurt from his neuropathy. I would nod and give a sympathetic response and help out if I could, but now I know that he had every right not only to mention it, but to downright complain if he wanted to. God is teaching me empathy.

Speaking of God: He sold our house! I had listed the house back in August when we thought we'd be moving to Canada on a few free listing sites and most had expired by now. Zillow has kept our posting and some buyers found it, asked to go through, came through again, and now Josh is at the agent's office talking about their offer! We had figured it 'off the market' and quit trying to find a buyer... in God's timing - in His unpredictability - he brought a buyer and sold the house for us. The big question is "Now what?" But what we've learned in this is that it is not our job to orchestrate God's will. When we step out, God will step in. It is our job to make ourselves available to his calling. I have no idea what that looks like, but I'm certainly renewed in my enthusiasm for what God wants to do through our family after this whole thing!

Hmmm... Josh calling with offer details. More later!

Quick Update for Treatment 5

2009-12-10T22:07:00.003-05:00

Well, we're into the second phase of chemo! Yea?

I no longer have to deal with nausea and bowel issues (TMI?), but this new round will have new side-effects. These include: red/burning palms and feet bottoms (Ouch!), teary eyes (what's new these days?!), really ugly nails, and bad aches (the phrase used was, "When you feel like a small car has run you over..." Nice).

In administering the new drugs, they had to go really slow to check if my body had any adverse reactions to them. I didn't. Yea! A drug I can tolerate! Yea? But... we - meaning Josh and I - had the appointment at 9:45 and somehow didn't drive away until 3:24. Felt like we entered a time warp! Thankfully, my Mom and Dad stayed with the kids all day as they had a snow day - again! They took off, I took a nap and woke when Josh had dinner on the table. What a man! Sat on the couch until 7:45, played a card game with the kids and then this. What a productive day!!
"And so it goes, and so it goes..." (Neal Diamond or is that Simon & Garfunkel [who actually comes up in the spell check]?) I'm also wondering if some steroid has kicked in b/c I've been unusually chatty the last few hours. Maybe I shouldn't have napped. Ughhh! It's such a mess!!

Grandpa and The Grr Factor

2009-12-08T19:07:00.004-05:00

There's really no info to report that's particular to my treatment. I go again in Thursday so this is "my week" - the week when I feel like I want to feel. The week after treatment I call "Dr Campbell's week" - the week I feel like how Dr. Campbell wants me to feel. Gross.

My musings:
Today marks one year since we laid my dear Grandpa Spoelhof to rest at age 99. I was jogging today when the song "In Christ Alone" popped on the ipod. It's a song we sang at Grandpa's memorial service. It sent me to tears. I mourned that I am no longer able to be with him, but at the same time I needed to remember that he's in heaven! Eternity with the all-glorious, holy, Creator, Father God. An eternity of praise and adoration. Hmmm, not bad. I'm sad for me and rejoice for him.

I was reflecting on how he touched my life and this is what I concluded: he taught me acceptance, or at the least, tolerance of everyone, and that everyone is important enough to deserve a introduction and to learn a bit about them. And he taught me the importance of living a life without regrets. Thanks, Grandpa!

The Grr Factor
Ever tried jogging and crying? It's actually quite cleansing. It can get ya to The Grr Factor much easier! The Grr Factor's that point when mind and body go on auto-pilot and you can just GO. There's exercise (and that's just drudgery) and then there's exercise with the Grr Factor. You can get all your aggressions, frustrations - all those -ations - out of your system, or just set life aside for a little while. It's pure focus, or something. Anyway, my words of the day: Pursue the Grr Factor! Otherwise you just end up grumpy with sore muscles or a headache.

BTW it's recommended that women with breast cancer exercise about 4 hrs a week to improve survival rates. Read more Interestingly I also learned this summer through Josh's CPE internship that my particular personality type needs to exercise regularly to be emotionally healthy. God's at work (in strange ways), don't you know?

Duh! and Treatment 4

2009-11-28T11:27:00.007-05:00

Here's what's been on my mind.
About a week or more ago I woke with two songs in my head. One was the classic hymn by Thomas Dorsey written in 1932, Precious Lord, Take My Hand (Hear the Randy Travis version Hee, hee!) and the other was If I Stand by Rich Mullins written some time in the late 80's-early 90's. Both songs are about leading, guiding, lending strength. I had been questioning the notion that 'Christ suffered like any human.' How could Christ understand being a woman, wife, and/or mother? Were his hours on the cross (albeit horrific) comparable to my long months of 'suffering' through surgery and chemo and anything else that may come? Does he really understand all that? How could he? He's a man, he never married, and he certainly didn't get chemo.

And then a verse and another song came to mind. The verse was Matthew 9:5 "Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'?" and the song was Happy Day (You can hear it at http://www.imeem.com/artists/fee/music/AiRkkVcL/fee-happy-day/ I couldn't get it to open without the login bit) by Fee. Both those together reminded me that Jesus didn't need to walk in my shoes exactly. His life and 'mission' on this earth was so much greater; my struggles are with this world and what it holds. Jesus came to restore me of my sin! He paid the debt and washed me clean so that I am even given the chance to stand before the Father. Had he not died on the cross that I may be forgiven of my sins, I would be forever separated from Christ by my sin. Hellooo!! Which is worse" feeling cruddy because of drugs or to be forever separated from my Father, Creator? Duh. It gave me a bit of perspective that day.

Treatment 4 has come and trying to 'go.' I've had a harder time shaking it this time - feeling a bit toxic all the time. I was quite emotional the last go-round and was worried it may carry over the next few weeks. On Friday I asked Josh if he could get me a jello with whipped cream. When he brought it to me moments later I broke into tears, "You brought me jello with whipped cream!!" Oh, good grief. Thankfully, that sort of thing seems to be fading. There's still tears on occasion about my lot in life - remember: I'm not supposed to be the one with cancer! In some ways it's all still very surreal.

The blood draw today went well. White blood cells at 2.something which is way up from where it's ever been, though still in the toilet. Platelets were down from last time, but not as low as they have been; and the hemoglobin (oxygen-carrying factor) was down so I need an iron supplement - or lots of steak and spinach, right?!

So there you have it! Thank you for the wonderful ways everyone continues to support me and my family. What a blessing!!

Treatment 3 update

2009-11-22T17:17:00.004-05:00

Before each treatment they take a CBC blood test to see if things, from a blood perspective, are good-to-go. Before this last treatment (cycle 3 of 8), they mentioned my platelets were low which means that I don't have a good clotting factor in my system: gums may bleed, bruise easier, etc. This isn't unusual to see during the course of treatment, but is unusual in the fact that it's come up so soon. I had some antibiotics in a few weeks prior which may have effected (affected?) the platelet count, though I don't think anyone can say for sure. Apparently platelets don't repopulate very quickly so there was some indication that a blood transfusion may be in order somewhere down the line. Great. Char Sweat, who went with me, explained that they do a great deal of type-matching so that your body doesn't reject the transfusion. I asked, "And if it does reject it? What does that look like?" I forget exactly what she said, but it didn't sound pretty, so I was glad they do their best to not let THAT happen! The up-shot though was that my treatments got 'tweaked.' More about that later...

My efforts to circumvent my seemingly elongated treatment plan was also thwarted. I cannot do chemo and radiation at the same time because it'll deplete my bone marrow. Not a good thing, so that was out. I also asked when my hair might come back hoping it could start growing back in cycles 5-8, but that too was a resounding NO. It'll start coming back about 6-8 weeks after I'm done w/ chemo. Bummer. So I just figured it out: my last chemo treatment is around Feb. 11, radiation starts around Mar. 4, done with radiation around April 6, (hair starts coming back around that same time - yea!) reconstruction some time between Sept 2010-Mar 2011. Ughhh.

About the tweaked treatment:
It turned out to be a good thing. I'm not sure what exactly they changed or if my body is simply responding a bit better, but physically this was an easier week. The last round I spent several days laying around, then a few good days, a few days in a slump, and then a few more good days. This time I was good pretty much the whole time. I had a few days of bleh, but functional; and then I really bounced back - physically - able to do all the usual household stuff and exercise/run! Yea!

However, through all that I was emotionally in the toilet. I spent Friday-Monday feeling quite sorry for myself and then Tues-Thursday being just plain grumpy. The emotions included bemoaning the entire LONG process, questioning why the heck I'm even doing this, feeling like the whole chemo treatment is a big overkill, ticked at my 'new' limited closet options... My newest favorite phrase about all of it: "This is stupid!" Is this treatment helping or ultimately harming? I was a healthy person to begin with, now I have concerns about all kinds of things - not just presently, but for the future as well. How can that be good? All these drugs may be killing the possible stray cancer cells, but are they damaging other organs at the same time? So my challenge for the doc this coming Thursday is for him to remind me why I'm doing all this.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. Enough ranting.

On another note: if you didn't hear Josh's sermon on grace this past Sunday, bug him to get it put on rrcworship.com so you can listen to it. I may have a biased opinion, but I thought it was excellent. I might have some thoughts to blog about another time. We shall see!

Good night moon.

George Mueller moments

2009-11-18T18:55:00.003-05:00

Over the last several months we've been blessed with many events that we call our 'George Mueller moments" -- we had a need, never mentioned it to anyone, and God used people in our family or community to fill the need. What a joyous thing to be able to call Josh and tell him, "Guess what! We have another George Muller moment!" Yippee!

So who's George Mueller? Our family was first introduced to him through our homeschool curriculum as part of the Heros of Faith lessons. Later, lo and behold, George appeared as part of a VeggieTale video of all things!

Mr. Mueller was the son of an English pastor, I believe, but strayed FAR from the faith and practices of Christianity. In his teens and early 20s he was regularly in debt (for not so great reasons that I cannot remember) and at least once jailed for his debts. In order to please his father, he agreed to go back to school. While there he continued his bad habits, (gambling maybe?) until invited to a bible study. Yaddy, yaddy, ya, he came to a crossroads one night because he needed money for tuition or something. Instead of going about his usual means to get funds, he dropped to his knees and prayed for the money. That same night his prayers were answered; he knew it to be an answer to prayer because he had not mentioned his need to anyone. From that night on (our biography book tells it), he decided to never ask for things he needed but rather to pray about them and let God work.

In a biography from swordofthelord.com, his story continues:
George Mueller
1805 - 1898

Mueller moved in 1832 to Bristol, England, to be the pastor of another church. There his famous work with the orphans began when two young children were thrown upon the church's care. Mueller had only two shillings to his name when he began the orphanage work, but over the next sixty years God sent more than $7,500,000 to supply their needs. New buildings were built or purchased, staff was hired, and the hundreds of children never missed a meal. Many times prayers were said over empty plates only to have food arrive at the last moment.

Mueller resolved never to tell anyone what his needs were. He told them to God and confidently expected them to be met.

During his life, Mueller started 117 schools which educated over 120,000 young people and orphans. He became pastor of Bethesda Chapel in Bristol. The church had some 2,000 members at his death.

So, we thank you for our George Mueller moments. Thanks for letting God work through you and you didn't even know it! (Josh just asked, "Why write about George Mueller? Did you have another moment you didn't tell me about?") It's a great thing to look forward to how God is going to work in your life. And we'll take the good AND the bad, right?

Bald is... efficient

2009-11-11T22:40:00.002-05:00

I can honestly say that I don't look at my now very bald head by choice. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse in the mirror (which is rare given that I have a hat on my head 95% of the time) and, like my kids, kinda do a double-take. Levi said to me the other day when I happen to pull off my hat, "Mom, put hat on!" Yes, dear, I couldn't agree more.

Though I was realizing, too, the better side of bald. I use far less shampoo and conditioner. Shower time is significantly reduced (that may be a down side!). Primping: none - you could literally cut your bathroom time in half! There's no wondering if the cut or color flatters your face, whether it's too dry or too oily, frizzy, flat, too straight or curly, on and on. I sound like I obsess about hair, but if you really think about, even for the hair minimalists, every one of us spends a great deal of time thinking about, or dealing with our hair -- with the exception of you basically bald or fully bald men! So I challenge you: try a day - or few months - without your hair, or more practically, notice how many times you do muss with or think of your hair. ...Keep in mind, I don't actually like looking at my bald head. :)

Given my new bald self and my current dislike of it, I've become impatient with this whole treatment thing. Upon diagnosis, I was gonna have surgery and then a bit of chemo, whip this thing and move on. The first surprise was that they couldn't do the full reconstruction at the initial surgery. OK, fine, no problem, we'll git'er done. We learned in past few weeks that the final reconstruction phase cannot BEGIN until 6-12 months AFTER radiation is complete. That's not 'whipping this thing and moving on!' Combine that with the fact that the second phase of chemo (I'm going for cycle 3 of 4 in the first phase tomorrow) feels much longer than the first phase. First phase of 4 cycles is every other week (2 mo.); second phase, also of 4 cycles, is every three weeks (3 mo.). THEN three weeks off, THEN 6.5 weeks of radiation. And THEN 6-12 months later we can begin the final reconstruction. Sigh. That seems like a long time. Of course, I'm scheming ways that I can circumvent the process, but I think this may be another opportunity for God to teach me patience - something I can certainly use more of.

On a good note, this was a great week. Though I go for another treatment tomorrow afternoon, this will be the first time that I'm feeling healthy going into it. I've been fighting a congestion/cough thing for several weeks and think it's finally been kicked! Yea! Amazing, given low white blood cell counts with 3 feverish kids at home all week. Hooray for prayer and antioxidants -- I'm fully covered! Reinforcements inside and out. Thank you to everyone who's been praying for me and my family!!

A Joyful Heart

2009-11-05T21:23:00.003-05:00

I read two devotions today.

One from Proverbs 17:22 "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." I have over and over, not just post-diagnosis, found this to be true. But it's just so easy for me to slip into my 'broken spirit.' When Josh & I talk of future plans, I see the difficulty rather than the possibility. When I look at my present situation, I often lose sight of the lessons I saw God was going to teach me through this and only see the struggle. Even to write of such a perspective saps my strength! So, I resolve to have a cheerful heart. Because it's good medicine for my soul! (We'll see how that goes - don't ask Josh about it b/c then I may actually have to be accountable!)

The other devotion was from Acts 14:33 "...they were amazed, and began to see [Peter and John] as having been with Jesus." This particular devotion began by talking about events which consume your thoughts much like this cancer process has consumed me. What if, it asked, we were consumed by thoughts of Jesus? What if people recognized us as being so close to Jesus that others were 'amazed' by it? Rather than being consumed by my diagnosis and treatments, what if I'm consumed with Christ? As the prayer of the devotion said, "I would consider this whole cancer deal worth it, if in the end I look more like Jesus, sound more like Him, and even smell more like Him."

I had my blood counts done today. Normally one should have a white blood cell count of about 4.0-11.0. Mine was at 0.53. The nurse was a bit surprised it was so incredibly low, but she explained that it goes to show that the treatments are doing what they should. Weird, because I feel better this time than last time. It apparently has nothing to do with how you feel; it has everything to do with how well you can fight infection. So needless to say, I won't be going to church this weekend. Please don't be offended, I simply don't care to share germs :) I've got a kid with a cough at home and that's enough for me, thank you!

So that's all I have to share at this point. Seems like it's a time of quiet. The few days after treatment are rough, and then after that it's a time to work to stay healthy. Again, we appreciate all the help everyone has given. I really cannot imagine going through this without it. Thank you!!

PS For those who were not able earlier, the meal planner has been updated (www.takethemameal.com)

Hair today...gone today - and tomorrow

2009-10-30T16:17:00.003-04:00

And so it goes, and so it goes. Showered today and had strands of hair entwined in my fingers. Not enough to necessitate at head cover yet, but certainly enough that I bypassed the hairdryer for a finger-styled look. And hair spray - to 'glue' it on :) Tonight might be a night of Josh shaving my head with the clippers because that seems a lot cleaner than flying it all over the bathroom. We shall see!

Had round 2 of chemo yesterday. The treatments themselves are pretty uneventful. The day was gorgeous, so I took the dog for a walk, ate some lunch, and then walked with Esther. Then....I crashed! I curled up in bed until I rolled out for another followup appointment with the plastic surgeon, Dr. Cullen. Unfortunately he was working out of his office in Byron Center (about 40 minutes away) and the car ride just about got the better of me. Thankfully, I now keep a stash of my 'extra' anti-nausea drugs in my purse, so we got there and back without incident. Yea! After that, I crawled back in bed and didn't emerge again until about midnight when I had a cup of jello. What a day!

Today's been not much more exciting. I sliced an apple for the kids' lunch, ate some toast, and then plopped on the couch and have only removed myself to shower and another quick appointment. Next on my agenda: eat some dinner and write some cards. Big plans!!

Sorry, no deep thoughts for today. They've all left with my hairs. :)

The new rhythm of life

2009-10-25T11:05:00.002-04:00

So almost a full 'cycle' of chemo under my belt and have a better understanding of what my next 4-5 months will be like. So here goes:

Thursday: treatment
Friday-Sunday: morning sickness-type stomach upset
Monday-Tuesday: feeling pretty good
Wednesday-Sunday: extreme and then lessening exhaustion due to low blood levels
Monday-Wednesday: feeling good, I suspect, tho this week I have another plastic surgeon appointment so I'll be dealing with that instead of functioning well :(
And then the process starts all over again!

This goes on for 4 cycles (so about mid-December) and then I start a different cycle of 4 times. This other cycle will begin with treatment every three weeks instead of every two weeks. After 12 weeks, I get a 3 week break then radiation of 33 sessions - they take weekends and holidays off, yippee!! So 6.5 weeks of radiation and then final reconstruction begins.

So goes my new rhythm of life!

On another note: I went to the Women's Retreat this weekend - thank you April who did a GREAT job putting it together!! I realized there that I have no problem worshipping and glorifying God, my Maker, but I really struggle with the praise songs. I've had a few people ask me if I was angry with God about my cancer. My answer: No, never. My God is so much bigger than my diagnosis. I read this weekend in Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. This has been my sentiment from the beginning - and I found it so plainly written right there in the Bible - yea, God! So, while I have this confidence in God and his plan, I guess I have a hard time praising him through it. He's more than worthy of my worship and is more glorious than (fill in the blank), so what's it about praise that I struggle so much? Here's what I discovered as I looked up the definitions - praise is to express approval and admiration; worship is an expression of love and devotion; glorify is to exalt. So there you go - through all this I know God is deserving of everything I can give, but I'm struggling to be able to approve of this present course. Am I angry with God? I still say 'no,' but I now understand that while I have confidence in the outcomes, I do struggle with loving the current circumstance.

A word on tissue expanders

2009-10-20T08:20:00.005-04:00

(I did have a request posted for a mattress topper, but we're all set. Thanks everyone!!)

If ever you hear a doc speak of 'tissue expanders' be afraid - be very afraid! The purpose of these is a very good thing. According to plasticsurgery.org "Tissue expansion is a relatively straightforward procedure that enables the body to "grow" extra skin for use in reconstructing almost any part of the body.... It is most commonly used for breast reconstruction ... but it's also used to repair skin damaged by birth defects, accidents or surgery, and in certain cosmetic procedures." Sounds easy enough, huh? For me it means putting the pectoralis muscle on my chest into a hyper-stretch until it becomes flexible enough that it's the 'new normal.' Josh is gonna go to the pharmacy (my new best friend) to get some pain meds a bit stronger than Tylenol. It's a med I've had good luck w/ before, but pray I don't puke! :)

As far as the side-effects of chemo - pretty much nil! Yea!! I was feeling gross and a bit sorry for myself on Saturday until a good friend came over and took care of me by getting rid of neck strain and detoxing my system. Such a good thing!! What I don't know is whether chemo has a cumulative effect or if this week is a good representation of what to expect throughout the treatment: another prayer request.

I got on the treadmill the other day and spent the time counting my blessings - they exceeded my time on the treadmill! I cannot say 'thank you' often enough and to enough people. Even when I'm not seeking God, He finds me through a card, a word, or special something that someone shares and THAT is comfort. My recovery process has been strengthened through each prayer and act of kindness. Thank you!

The next day....

2009-10-16T19:17:00.006-04:00

So far so good!

I went for "The day after shot" (Neulasta?) that is supposed to help bump up the white blood cells again. Downside: bone aches. Since white blood cells are created within your bones, they kinda go into overload. I asked, "Besides Tylenol for that, are there other options for counteracting the aching." Answer: "Of course! We have drugs for that!!" You can see I'm not a real fan of drugs, but, like I keep saying , "It is, what it is."

So, another good day!

New prayer request:
Overcoming mental hurdles. I may be or get tired, but I can do it!!

OK, the awaited haircut picture:

Before.
And...

After!

Strands were donated to a local kids group: Children With Hairloss (CWHL) Levi keeps looking at those strands of hair and saying, "Broke, Mom! Broke!" Cutie!

Finally! A good day!! (Thurs)

2009-10-16T19:13:00.002-04:00

Today (Thursday) was the first chemo treatment, and it was easy! Can you believe!! The nurse said the weekend is when I'll feel a little gross, but "we have prescriptions for that!" Drugs, drugs, drugs.

We got there and asked the nurse, Wendy, to talk us through what was going to happen and what to expect. She explained each of the drugs and what they may do - most of it went over my head. I like biology, not chemistry. Bottom line, they'll give me the drugs I need and go from there, wherever "there" takes us. What I'm getting is 'highly nauseating' (you medical people can remind me what the technical term for that is) so they gave me an anti-nausea capsule while I was there (Emend) and I'll continue that for the next 2 days. In addition there's 2 prescriptions for others that I can take (one for day and one for night - they think of everything!) if I'm not feeling just right. She, Wendy, said most women report it to be similar to morning sickness. So for being a bad drug addict, I certainly have an arsenal!

Usually, we're told, since I had treatment on Thursday, I'll feel gross on Sat, Sun, Mon and then may just be fatigued or feeling like I have the flu after that. I had been concerned that I wouldn't be able/capable of doing much exercise (which I'm missing already) and she seemed to feel that *probably* I'd do just fine. I may have to adjust my goals a bit, but at least I'd be exercising. Fighting through fatigue will be "easier" to overcome (a mental hurdle in many ways) with chemo than post-surgeries when you're trying to repair, etc. (a physical hurdle).

Overall, I felt that this process will be do-able. I understand that as you go along, the fatigue and all accumulates so it doesn't get any easier. BUT, today was a good day! And they've seen it all and know what to do to help out to minimize side effects - yea!

One treatment down!!

Prayer requests:
Health for our family - and probably for yours as well!
Good, solid sleep each night

Not-so-simple Monday

2009-10-13T20:34:00.002-04:00

Ahh, what to say about Monday!

Once again, an appointment that was supposed to be a 1/2 day got dragged into an all day affair - with a trip to the ER as 'frosting.'

Monday morning I had to go in to have the port 'installed' as a prep for the chemo on Thursday. The port rests on your chest wall, runs up the clavicle and into the jugular vein by your neck, and eventually lands somewhere above the heart. I didn't realize it went that far! The surgery itself when just fine. Josh stayed with Abby (who was sick that day) out in the rest of the building while I went back to do my thing. Apparently I was quite chatty during the whole thing. I can remember asking questions about what he was doing, why, what other kind of surgeries he did, how often - weird things. I shoulda just napped! At one point the nurse asked for another dosage, which I presume they gave, but I still kept a running conversation. Odd.

Post-surgery, I was in LaLa Land - and lovin' it! We packed up our things, wheeled me out and headed home. Josh stopped at a gas station for some drinks and that's when it went downhill. I puked twice in their bushes and felt much better after that! Went home, laid down to rest, puked some more. A friend came over to cut my hair to donate it to a children's organization like Locks of Love (pic coming as soon as anyone's healthy enough to take it.) She would cut, I would puke while she sweeped up the hair; cut/puke, cut/puke. You see where I'm going with this.

Wiped out, I rested a bit more until after dinner. The cracker and Propel I sipped didn't stay down and I was feeling miserable and a bit scared. It's one thing to get the flu and understand why you feel the way you do, it's another to not understand the cause of your troubles. That, and I couldn't take any pain meds until I could keep things down, and I was too tense to get my stomach to settle, so I couldn't take the pain meds in order to relax - another vicious cycle. Another friend must've called at that time and Josh asked her to come over so we could go to the med center/ER.

Once there, I showed them my already existing admit-band and they graciously triaged us RIGHT away and got me to a bed where I could lay down again. They started fluids and some anti-nausea meds which did help a bit, but b/c there was no good reason for me to be having trouble, a call to the Intervention Radiologist (who installed the port) directed a CT chest scan to check for blood clots.

The whole CT scan process went horribly! We spoke with the folks at Spectrum Health, so...enough has been said.

CT scan came back clear, and they connected the dots that, like the vicatin (sp.), whatever other narcotic they gave me at the surgery was causing my nausea. So we packed up, got dressed, though I laid back down b/c I still didn't feel confident (even after the anti-nausea meds they'd already given) that I'd make it home. She gave me a second, smaller dose. We drove home, I puked, and went to bed. So much for the meds!

This morning, stuff has stayed down, I was able to eat a full dinner and got several naps in during the day. Josh has come down with the awful head cold going around, so our TV/babysitter has been on about as much today as it ever is in a week!

And that was our Monday. Calendar said 'port 8:00' and 'haircut 2:00' but it turned out to be much more! Phew! Another day done :)
Thanks everyone for the continued prayers and support!!
Signing off!
-amanda

It's been brought to my attention:

2009-10-09T10:56:00.002-04:00

that I haven't mentioned the start date for the chemo treatments. The first cycle will begin this coming Thursday, October 15. I go in on Monday to have the port put in and then will start the craziness on Thursday.

It's an emotional process for me because it feels the beginning of the true treatment FOR cancer. Sigh. And I'll lose my hair. I'm trying to gain the courage to donate my hair to the local Locks of Love and play around with a short pixie cut for a few weeks while I'll still have hair. Sigh. It'll be done, I just need to take the first step and admit that it needs to be done. Sigh...and cry.

Small request:

2009-10-09T09:53:00.002-04:00

I'm loving the comments that everyone makes! Thank you so very much!
I'm right there with you if the 'Comment as:' option is a bit weird. I don't really get it myself. If you choose the 'anonymous' option or if you have an unusual user name, please put your first and last name in the comments so that I know who's writing to me. If for whatever reason you prefer not to leave comments here, you can always email me directly at alvantil@gmail.com.

It's a little thing, I know, but since you are so willing to help me through this, I appreciate knowing through whom my support and encouragement has come.

Radiology Oncologist

2009-10-08T20:57:00.002-04:00

Today was the Radiology Oncologist's turn to weigh in - Dr. Kastner. Nice guy with more unfortunate news. Actually, I came out of the appointment less shaken than after the chemo appointment, but Lisa and Josh didn't feel the same.

Our discoveries:
1. Radiologists actually USE 'tangents' that you learned about in high school geometry (I had to use spell checker for both tangent and geometry - shows how much I use those two words!)

2. Radiation beams don't stop at the site at which they're shooting (duh!) - hence, 6 ft. thick cement walls and lead plates. What this means biologically is that in order to get to the lymph nodes, they need to use geometry and tangents to avoid things like lungs, spine, esophagus, thyroid, brachial nerve (that runs down your neck to the shoulder), etc. Before beginning treatment, they do a 3D CAT scan to get a picture of the 'virtual me' and use that to find the best angles for zapping the nodes and areas they want to target while avoiding tissues that they do not want to effect (affect?). Sounds easy enough to me, but if you noticed all the tissues they try to avoid, you can also read between the lines of the possible side effects.

What did surprise me was the larger area that they/he wanted to target. I was envisioning zapping the nodes under the arm and breast bone, but he spoke of hitting the ones that run up and under the collar bone as well as the (former) tumor site. Apparently the mastectomy scar, or that particular area, has a significant rate of reoccurrence. That is to say (for all you worriers) that there seems to be something about that particular area, even though surgically it is clean, cancers can show up again later in the skin, so by targeting it with local radiation, they reduce the chance of recurrence.

So why chemo AND radiation? It's an additive effect. For whatever reason chemo does a great job of targeting cancer cells that have 'gotten loose' in the body, but is not as effective locally (at the tumor site) which is where radiation is very efficient.

On a less factual side, we've learn a lot about not just the illness of cancer, but the manner in which it changes the person and all those near. I have a new empathy when I hear of one's diagnosis or treatment progress. It's not just a doctor's appointment and a lot of drugs with side-effects, there's an emotional roller-coaster that goes with it. Or/And... I was a person who never needed a doctor except for pregnancy and strep throat - even that's debatable :) Now suddenly, I'm one who needs to be vigilant of a multitude of side-effects for my life time. I'm understanding what it means that you are always 'a person who had cancer' -- though I'm still coming to terms with the fact that doctors keep calling me a cancer patient b/c I don't feel like one yet. :)

Medical Oncologist

2009-10-05T22:41:00.002-04:00

I'm exhausted after a LONG appointment today with the medical oncologist, Dr. Mark Campbell. It wasn't so much that he had a lot to say, but that he was running behind - WAY behind. Our appt. was at 4:15, but I think we actually met him closer to 6:30. Poor man looked exhausted. We (Lisa, Josh, and I) were having a blast in the room playing hangman on the whiteboard. The nurses even felt so bad about our wait that they found huge chocolate chip cookies and brand new whiteboard markers for us!

The medical oncologist is basically "The Chemo Man." He had wonderful analogies about dandelions and how their seeds spread across your lawn and all over, and the only way to kill the seeds is by spraying a lot of chemical to kill those and any other weed. I may expound on it all another time, but for now, that's his way of explaining why they use a lot of drugs to kill the little bitty cancer cells randomly spread (potentially) in the body - just like dandelion seeds in your lawn.

What we learned is that he has 5 'choice' drugs in mind to use over a course of 6 months. The first two months is a dosage of 3 drugs given every 2 weeks, then a second round of 2 kinds of drugs given every 3 weeks. Each 'session' takes about 3-4 hrs to receive, a shot the day after to assist in rebuilding your white blood cell count, and, "by-the-way, we'll insert a port under your collar bone a few days before we start so that we don't have to keep poking you." Then he whipped out his Blackberry and said, "So do you want to start Monday or Thursday?" WHAAA! We have life we've already planned on!

Right now the whole thing basically puts my body into a shaky, shocky kind of response. My legs shake, teeth chatter, and I shiver all over. Dr. Campbell assures us that the whole chemo process has been refined so that, while you still lose hair, etc., the nausea is not an issue. He anticipated that it's mostly fatigue that's the hard part. He equated it to the last month of pregnancy - for 6 months. Thankfully I've had good pregnancies, so.... :) not sure I can draw parallel conclusions, but it helps me understand that busy days will be functional, but tiring - and so you rest the next day.

I'll try to fill in the rest of the medical knowledge we gleaned today ('cause I like that kind of stuff!) when I'm not so tired. Unless it doesn't seem so interesting tomorrow. Phew, what a day! Good night, moon!

Tubeless!

2009-09-30T19:09:00.002-04:00

For those of you who don't like medical stuff, this first bit may not be for you - so know you've been warned!

Another visit to Dr. Cullen's and the drain tubes were removed today! Yea!! Mostly that's a good indication that healing is going well and it's one less thing to deal with every day. I was so giggly and giddy at the appointment, I had a hard time concentrating after he removed them! Partly I was giggling b/c he explained (again) that he'd use a magnet to find the whatever-it-is for future reconstruction procedures so I was imagining the various refrigerator magnets I could attach to myself one of these days. The thought's enough to almost get me going again right now!

On a more serious note: This morning I was reading my devotions and was struck about two things:
1.) God not only cares for me (duh!), but He's also caring for each one of my kids and my husband too. He knew the things they would need when we got this diagnosis and how He would be there for them, and the lessons they may learn as well. Sometimes we/I get caught up in remembering God's care and attention to my own needs that I was comforted to remember that He's got my entire family in mind as we walk along this.
2) God can lay his peace and assurance over us in much the same way a warm blanket calms and warms our bodies. A very dear friend made such a warm and fuzzy blanket for me so I was reminded of her care. I was also fingering a beautiful bookmark that another friend made especially to comfort me and made me feel beautiful - as I read from a book given to me from a a woman I've never met but she had written such exact words of God's care for me on the cover. Memory after memory and object after object triggered thoughts of the many ways that God has used you to offer peace and assurance. In all this - all this! - I praise God because I have been taught how to better care for other people because I have learned from you. Thank you is too small a phrase when I feel this tremendously blessed.

Initial pathology report

2009-09-29T11:24:00.002-04:00

Dr Pettinga called this morning with a preliminary, but not full pathology report. News is very encouraging! They found cancer in 2 of 15 nodes, which is good. Some cancers had spread outside of the nodes which is OK b/c radiation'll zap those. It was NOT a 5 cm tumor as she initially thought but rather a 1.5 cm tumor plus one other - so it was not connected. Pathology had not recognized the 'other' so she sent them back to look at that one - whatever that means. The skin was also clear, which is another YIPPEE, though there was not a clear report back yet on if it had gone into the muscle or if they had cleared that out.

So overall the first reports back are very 'doable' and much less gloom and doom than I expected. God IS faithful, and God IS good.

Now I'm going to nap.
Thank you again and again to everyone who supports us in SO many ways - holding my hand, doing medical stuff, doing food stuff, doing kid stuff, reading stuff, writing stuff, doing stuffy stuff. YOU are a blessing!

-"Valium Girl" -- out
that's a Pastor Jon joke :)

A Brief Overview!

2009-09-27T21:59:00.003-04:00

We arrived home on Friday evening just in time to see our beautiful children. They are great. Soon thereafter we began the medication carousel. When Saturday arrived the vicadin was beginning to get the best of Amanda. Her temperature rose and food just wouldn't stay down. So, we have deemed yesterday, "Puke Day". Soon thereafter, we ditched the vicadin in favor of motrin. That has helped immensely. Today has been so much better. She actually went out and ate a cheeseburger, drank a milk shake, then she ran 5 miles (joking).
Since arriving at home we have learned how wonderful our circle of family, neighbors and friends really are. We have received food, cards, and flowers. Someone mowed our lawn, others took Noah to his football game and later took him to a movie. Two particular friends that are involved in the medical field have spent huge chunks of time at our house helping Amanda feel comfortable and caring for her. Others have come over to wash Amanda's hair and give her a shower. Their warmth and sensitivity have been overwhelming. Personally, I am a little numb! The experience of such raw love is so humbling. I keep on hearing that well know refrain from my childhood playing over and over in my head, "It's better to give than receive" and here we are receiving. We are overwhelmingly thankful and humbled at the same time.
To all of you I say thank you for what you have done and what you will do. We love you all so much. We are blessed to experience the grace and love of God through you.
Much Love,
Josh

Crying Day

2009-09-25T14:49:00.002-04:00

Today is crying day. Amanda is crying because she misses her sister. Because this is harder than she thought. Because it affects her ability as a mother and wife. Because it hurts. Because this "thing" is terrible, no fun, and life changing. She is hopeful, but in the moment she is grieving her loss and suffering.
Amanda is tuff but today shall remain her Crying Day!

Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts, support and concern.
Much Love
Josh

The day after "Bump Day"!

2009-09-24T08:20:00.002-04:00

The morning after has arrived. The realization that I have today, after talking with Dr. Pettinga and Dr. Cullen, is that this "Bump" in the road will be a year long "Bump". We have learned that there is indeed Cancer in Amanda's lymph node. We will learn to what extent on Monday or Tuesday of next week but what we know already is that Amanda is most likely looking at 4 months of chemo, followed by 5 week radiation, followed by another surgery, followed by a few concluding proceeders and such. Between each treatment there will be 3 to 6 weeks of recuperation before they carry on with what is next. This, in many ways, was our worst case scenario. It has now become our new and ever changing "normal".

We are not sure what God is doing but we continue to learn the meaning of trust. That the Lord Jesus is good even in the middle of this junk. Hard but true.

Thank you for your continued prayer. - Josh

post surgery

2009-09-23T20:28:00.003-04:00

Dear All,

This is Amanda's sister, Lisa, writing. I'll be taking over this job for awhile.

Thank you for your prayers on behalf of Amanda and Josh. The day went so well and Josh and Amanda felt all of your prayers. The surgery started at 1:00 and was finished around 4:30. The surgeon was happy with how well she tolerated the anesthesia and felt that the surgery went well. The surgeon hopes to have all the results back from the lab testing next week sometime.

Josh and Amanda request no visitors at this time but please send cards!

Their address is

6298 Rapidfall Dr NE

Belmont, MI 49306-9751

Thanks for offering your love, support, care and prayers on behalf Josh and Amanda's family.

With much appreciation and love,

Lisa Spoelhof Schra

The Bump Day!

2009-09-23T10:27:00.002-04:00

We have arrived at THE day (Bump Day as it has been called). If we are honest, it is a day that we would gladly skip if we were able. It has certainly been an experience, thus far, that is surreal. A strange mix of horrible, humbling, sad, and yet full of love with a touch of peace that pass our understanding.
We are grateful for all the prayer and support. Thankful for life, family and friends but this experience has introduced our family to the fragile nature of life. We are not in control and life has great potential for difficulty. With that in mind, we praise our creator who understands even our misery and cares about things like breasts and cancer and our human struggle. We are grateful for the presence of Christ, by His Spirit, that is at work right now in Amanda and trust that he will supply all that we need.
Keep praying,
Josh

"Art" Day

2009-09-21T17:25:00.002-04:00

Had the 'drawing' appointment with Dr. Cullen this morning to get the lines he needs for surgery. I was feeling quite emotional beforehand and hoping I wouldn't lose it during the appointment. As it turned out, it was quite comical! I'll spare you the details of the drawings, but I had a good laugh about it. God has turned an ugly event into joy - how He does these things, I'll never understand. But it does remind me that he knows what we can handle. He knows I needed to have some humor about it; he knows that without laughter today, it would make the wait until Wednesday even harder. Praise God for surgical art!

Immediate needs update:

2009-09-18T22:06:00.002-04:00

There's still a need from someone to help with Levi on Monday mornings beginning October 5. Josh will bring the other 3 kids to school at 7:45. Levi will need care from about that time (though I sure we could be flexible) until Diane Siegfried watches him starting at noon. He's very transportable, meaning he could hang out at someone's house or be cared for at home.

Also, Sunday mornings are tricky. I'm hoping someone could come to our house around 8:00/8:15 to help get Esther and Levi ready to go to the first service for Sunday school. Josh doesn't get home until 1:00, so I'll need help with the two of them until then - either hanging out at church, back at home, or with somebody somewhere.

Even if you could help out once or twice with either of these, I'd be eternally grateful!

On a less needy note:
We just got back from a fabulous day at Greg & Kathy's cottage on the Big Lake. I haven't had such a wonderful time with my family in sooooo long. Several times I was able to watch my kids and simply adore them. (A few moments I could'a left them all in the lake, but those paled in comparison!) It was so lovely - we went swimming, beach combing, made sand castles, played at the park, walked the boardwalk, ate ice cream and 5" french fries, and Josh's ankles got seriously fried! Levi learned about speed boats - they are not the same as hairplays (airplanes) though they sound similar. Esther picked up every single feather and piece of garbage, I mean treasure, on the beach. Abby surfed and dug a huge hole. Noah did football up-downs in the waves - and hit Abby over the head with the surfboard, all in good fun. It was a great day!

Funny how simply coming back home brings it all back. I've noticed how hard it is to physically speak the word 'cancer' or 'tumor.' It's kind of like speaking of anatomy in strange company - like you're not sure if you've crossed the line, so you say it with hesitation or reservation. I also realized that I think I've actually had the thought, though never verbalized it, that I would never have cancer. I'd be one of those strange statistics that seemed to 'dodge the bullet.' Seems like everyone is doomed to get some kind of cancer, but I'd be the exception, at least for a long time. This isn't the reality I expected - not yet anyway. Oh well. A few more days without cancer and doctors in my face - Monday starts up the appointments again. Sigh.

A Way in the WIlderness

2009-09-17T18:18:00.002-04:00

From Praying Through Cancer devotional book that my sister gave me. This particular day has stuck with me so I thought I'd share it:

*********************
I will not leave you desolate; I will come to you. John 14:18

When I learned I had breast cancer, I was in the midst of studying about the people of Israel. God had a plan to bring them out of Egypt, but oh how they grumbled about where they ended up - in the wilderness. It seemed to me that if I rebelled against this bend in the road, I, like the Israelites, would be grumbling against God's goodness and purpose. So I determined to follow Him and trust His provision wherever He chose to lead me. He did provide for me there - the skillful surgeon, the many who prayed for me, the support of my family. It seemed like such a victory, and I thought I was home free.

Then I saw my oncologist, and the treatment options he laid before me seemed overwhelming. Again I was in the wilderness, not because God was leading me there, but because I ran there out of fear. God did not leave me alone. He gave me clear direction regarding the course of treatment to follow.

The big battle for me has been, and continues to be, in my mind - not to let fear overwhelm me, not to dwell on the what-ifs, but to count on God's character and His promises, which are sure.

***********

Another verse that has struck me is this in Isaiah 49:16
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.

I know that as I walk this journey with God, His hand holds mine and has my name engraved on it.

A few details:

2009-09-15T15:48:00.008-04:00

We are humbled by the people who have expressed a desire to help in some way! I met with some wonderful women last night and man, can they think of everything! My thanks goes out to Char (and Jim!) Sweat, Diane Siegfried, and Jeanne Maher. If you have any questions about schtuff having to do with our family, they'll know the answer.

River Rock is using a wonderful site called "Take Them a Meal" (careful: link opens in same window unless you do what you do so it doesn't) to assist with the meal prep during this time. Char Sweat is heading that up; you can contact her with questions. Password is our house number.

If you desire to help in any other way, please contact Diane Siegfried. As of this moment, I have a childcare 'gap' on Monday mornings (8-noon) to help with Levi and pick up Esther from kindergarten.

Jeanne Maher can also help with any questions or thoughts.

I'd tell wonderful details about upcoming appointments and expectations for recovery, etc., except we know nothing more than 'major surgery next Wednesday.' Simple answer is: we'll know more about the particular 'behavior' and extent of the cancer when we get the full pathology report two weeks from surgery.

Thank you everyone for the continued prayers and expressions of concern. I immensely appreciate your emails and the notes - I cherish each one. I would love to respond to each and every one but I'm realizing I cannot do that - but thank you and know that I truly appreciate the notes that you send!

The date has been set

2009-09-11T20:04:00.001-04:00

So, it's been decided: Wednesday, Sept. 23 at 1 pm "The Surgery" will happen. In some ways there's a great deal of relief to know that this will happen, but in many more ways it's a very surreal thing. As my brother-in-law said about his open heart surgery: It's all surreal until it's all over.

The thing that's hardest to wrap my head around right now is all of our schedules! We (now regrettably) decided before the fact to sign both girls up for soccer this fall. Combine that with Noah's football, all the new school expectations, pending needs-planning, and doctor's appointments and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed! I'm accustomed to NO schedule, more of a rhythm, and this throws it all out of whack!

Immediate needs that I can think of:
1. A dog walker/runner on and after Sept 23
2. Help every Sunday morning. I don't know when I'll be able to get back to church after surgery and with Josh leading worship, I'll be alone with the kids every Sunday. I'll need help getting the little ones to church, but then a hand at home (or something) during the other service. Basically I'll need help from about 8:00 until 12:30/1:00 or thereabouts.

I'll be adding information on how people can help us with child care, carpooling, meals, cleaning, etc., etc. I'm wishing it can be an interactive thing, but haven't found that option yet. So check back often, if you'd be so kind!

So that's where we are! It's amazing to see God's hand working, but we have certainly been scratching our heads over it all as well. Sometimes we see the silver lining (God) and other times we despair to consider what may lie ahead. We had a showing to sell our house this afternoon, and as Sam Huizenga said, "What IS God up to??"

I thank God for the many people who have spoken or given me words of comfort in the last few weeks. It's unbelievable sometimes how God's people can support one other. Thank you for letting God's love reach me, through you!