Praying for a Block in the Road

The lat flap surgery of October 8 seems to be pretty much behind me now (there's a pun in there somewhere!). At surgery, he - the plastic surgeon - placed a tissue expander between the old, leathery, radiated pectoralis and the latissimus muscle (now a new chest). Today was the second 'fill' of that tissue expander and amazingly, I'm feeling quite well! The first fill knocked me out for a good 5 days. That is to say, limited ability to use my arm, sometimes it hurt to breath b/c it would stretch my chest muscles a little more, sleeping was a hassel... driving, problematic.

But today after the second fill, I'm feeling very 'able,' which is exciting for me. Though I'm in conflict yet about my desires to do lots of 'stuff' like all the things that kids and household require, but also wanting to take the best care of myself which includes things like exercise, but also rest. So my conflict is to rest and heal (and feel the guilt of laziness) or to exercise and 'do' and potentially burn out. Such is the question for anyone, right? How much is too much and how little is just flat out wrong or unhelpful.

On another note, I heard a great sermon on the radio the last two days by Tony Evans about Jesus' handling of the death of Lazarus. One point he makes, among many (I had to pull the car over 3 times to jot down notes) is about faith NOT being a feeling. Faith in God is an action. The Bible talks about walking faithfully with God. Though perhaps I'm interpreting incorrectly as the Bible never states exactly that we 'walk by faith', I'm inclined to agree w/ Mr. Evans that faith, then, is an action much like walking is an action. Faith is not a feeling: "I feel God calling me to XYZ" but rather that our faith is more a reflection of obedience to God's Word. I may not FEEL that I should stay in a yucky situation or take steps for a new direction or whatever the case may be. But if I have been mandated by God to follow his commands as laid out in His Word, in love for Him I am to step out in faith. I cannot understand the ways of God, but I am assured of His promises and that is where faith is my blessing.

Preach to the choir, Amanda. Josh and I are praying and trying to seek God's will about what to do next: is it a new church plant somewhere, is it working for an established church, is it facilitating a restart for a church? In all these things, how will we best fulfill His command to 'go and make disciples'. Do we over-think these things? Is it as simple as 'going and making disciples' and God will fill in the blanks? I guess, Lord, I need a starting place - just like you can't start a swim race or a foot race w/out a starting block, we need a block for our family to start from.

We pray for a clear block in our road. :)

Simply this...

What can I bring to the King of kings?
What can I give?
What can I bring?
What can I say as an offering, Lord?

Simply this...
I will offer up my life
In spirit and truth,
Pouring out the oil of love
As my worship to You
In surrender I must give my every part;
Lord, receive the sacrifice
Of a broken heart

I have a lot of angst today.
I have lat flap surgery on Friday morning. I don't like not knowing specifics of my life - like how long in the hospital, how long until I'll drive, will I bounce back quickly or slowly, when will this all be over? You know, the basics.

So what to do about it? As I finished running this morning (amazing thing in itself!), this Matt Redman song I Will Offer Up My Life came on my iPod. Combine pending surgery with a compelling question Josh challenged me with last night, "How ARE we different from non-Christians? Our life doesn't really reflect different values than anyone else except that we have a different schedule on Sunday mornings. We don't make it an intentional part of our lives to pray for those who don't know God, to serve the widow and orphan or those in distress! What ARE we doing??"

So I ran and then did some yoga. Try this: lay flat on your back with your arms out to the sides like when you were a kid sprawled out in the grass watching the clouds. Now bring the soles of your feet together and let your knees dangle/drop toward the ground. It'll stretch your hips a bit. Now notice your belly and your breathing (God gave you that, you know). Relax and let your belly button fall closer to the ground when you exhale - but don't force it, just relax into it. NOW, ask God this, "What can I offer?"

My answer: absolutely nothing! I can't give God anything that He doesn't already command. I can only worship him in spirit and truth - offer my broken heart.

It's a place I'm not comfortable with. I want to do it! But I know my efforts are causing me angst and forcing me to go running and do funky yoga poses. But if that's what it takes for me to hear the voice of God, I may be running a very long way and then yoga-ing ALL day! (Seems a bit self-indulgent at the same time. "Sorry kids, no dinner, I'm 'sprawling'"