Saturday, November 28, 2009

Duh! and Treatment 4

Here's what's been on my mind.
About a week or more ago I woke with two songs in my head. One was the classic hymn by Thomas Dorsey written in 1932, Precious Lord, Take My Hand (Hear the Randy Travis version Hee, hee!) and the other was If I Stand by Rich Mullins written some time in the late 80's-early 90's. Both songs are about leading, guiding, lending strength. I had been questioning the notion that 'Christ suffered like any human.' How could Christ understand being a woman, wife, and/or mother? Were his hours on the cross (albeit horrific) comparable to my long months of 'suffering' through surgery and chemo and anything else that may come? Does he really understand all that? How could he? He's a man, he never married, and he certainly didn't get chemo.

And then a verse and another song came to mind. The verse was Matthew 9:5 "Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'?" and the song was Happy Day (You can hear it at http://www.imeem.com/artists/fee/music/AiRkkVcL/fee-happy-day/ I couldn't get it to open without the login bit) by Fee. Both those together reminded me that Jesus didn't need to walk in my shoes exactly. His life and 'mission' on this earth was so much greater; my struggles are with this world and what it holds. Jesus came to restore me of my sin! He paid the debt and washed me clean so that I am even given the chance to stand before the Father. Had he not died on the cross that I may be forgiven of my sins, I would be forever separated from Christ by my sin. Hellooo!! Which is worse" feeling cruddy because of drugs or to be forever separated from my Father, Creator? Duh. It gave me a bit of perspective that day.

Treatment 4 has come and trying to 'go.' I've had a harder time shaking it this time - feeling a bit toxic all the time. I was quite emotional the last go-round and was worried it may carry over the next few weeks. On Friday I asked Josh if he could get me a jello with whipped cream. When he brought it to me moments later I broke into tears, "You brought me jello with whipped cream!!" Oh, good grief. Thankfully, that sort of thing seems to be fading. There's still tears on occasion about my lot in life - remember: I'm not supposed to be the one with cancer! In some ways it's all still very surreal.

The blood draw today went well. White blood cells at 2.something which is way up from where it's ever been, though still in the toilet. Platelets were down from last time, but not as low as they have been; and the hemoglobin (oxygen-carrying factor) was down so I need an iron supplement - or lots of steak and spinach, right?!

So there you have it! Thank you for the wonderful ways everyone continues to support me and my family. What a blessing!!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Treatment 3 update

Before each treatment they take a CBC blood test to see if things, from a blood perspective, are good-to-go. Before this last treatment (cycle 3 of 8), they mentioned my platelets were low which means that I don't have a good clotting factor in my system: gums may bleed, bruise easier, etc. This isn't unusual to see during the course of treatment, but is unusual in the fact that it's come up so soon. I had some antibiotics in a few weeks prior which may have effected (affected?) the platelet count, though I don't think anyone can say for sure. Apparently platelets don't repopulate very quickly so there was some indication that a blood transfusion may be in order somewhere down the line. Great. Char Sweat, who went with me, explained that they do a great deal of type-matching so that your body doesn't reject the transfusion. I asked, "And if it does reject it? What does that look like?" I forget exactly what she said, but it didn't sound pretty, so I was glad they do their best to not let THAT happen! The up-shot though was that my treatments got 'tweaked.' More about that later...

My efforts to circumvent my seemingly elongated treatment plan was also thwarted. I cannot do chemo and radiation at the same time because it'll deplete my bone marrow. Not a good thing, so that was out. I also asked when my hair might come back hoping it could start growing back in cycles 5-8, but that too was a resounding NO. It'll start coming back about 6-8 weeks after I'm done w/ chemo. Bummer. So I just figured it out: my last chemo treatment is around Feb. 11, radiation starts around Mar. 4, done with radiation around April 6, (hair starts coming back around that same time - yea!) reconstruction some time between Sept 2010-Mar 2011. Ughhh.

About the tweaked treatment:
It turned out to be a good thing. I'm not sure what exactly they changed or if my body is simply responding a bit better, but physically this was an easier week. The last round I spent several days laying around, then a few good days, a few days in a slump, and then a few more good days. This time I was good pretty much the whole time. I had a few days of bleh, but functional; and then I really bounced back - physically - able to do all the usual household stuff and exercise/run! Yea!

However, through all that I was emotionally in the toilet. I spent Friday-Monday feeling quite sorry for myself and then Tues-Thursday being just plain grumpy. The emotions included bemoaning the entire LONG process, questioning why the heck I'm even doing this, feeling like the whole chemo treatment is a big overkill, ticked at my 'new' limited closet options... My newest favorite phrase about all of it: "This is stupid!" Is this treatment helping or ultimately harming? I was a healthy person to begin with, now I have concerns about all kinds of things - not just presently, but for the future as well. How can that be good? All these drugs may be killing the possible stray cancer cells, but are they damaging other organs at the same time? So my challenge for the doc this coming Thursday is for him to remind me why I'm doing all this.

I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. Enough ranting.

On another note: if you didn't hear Josh's sermon on grace this past Sunday, bug him to get it put on rrcworship.com so you can listen to it. I may have a biased opinion, but I thought it was excellent. I might have some thoughts to blog about another time. We shall see!

Good night moon.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

George Mueller moments

Over the last several months we've been blessed with many events that we call our 'George Mueller moments" -- we had a need, never mentioned it to anyone, and God used people in our family or community to fill the need. What a joyous thing to be able to call Josh and tell him, "Guess what! We have another George Muller moment!" Yippee!

So who's George Mueller? Our family was first introduced to him through our homeschool curriculum as part of the Heros of Faith lessons. Later, lo and behold, George appeared as part of a VeggieTale video of all things!

Mr. Mueller was the son of an English pastor, I believe, but strayed FAR from the faith and practices of Christianity. In his teens and early 20s he was regularly in debt (for not so great reasons that I cannot remember) and at least once jailed for his debts. In order to please his father, he agreed to go back to school. While there he continued his bad habits, (gambling maybe?) until invited to a bible study. Yaddy, yaddy, ya, he came to a crossroads one night because he needed money for tuition or something. Instead of going about his usual means to get funds, he dropped to his knees and prayed for the money. That same night his prayers were answered; he knew it to be an answer to prayer because he had not mentioned his need to anyone. From that night on (our biography book tells it), he decided to never ask for things he needed but rather to pray about them and let God work.

In a biography from swordofthelord.com, his story continues:
George Mueller
1805 - 1898

Mueller moved in 1832 to Bristol, England, to be the pastor of another church. There his famous work with the orphans began when two young children were thrown upon the church's care. Mueller had only two shillings to his name when he began the orphanage work, but over the next sixty years God sent more than $7,500,000 to supply their needs. New buildings were built or purchased, staff was hired, and the hundreds of children never missed a meal. Many times prayers were said over empty plates only to have food arrive at the last moment.

Mueller resolved never to tell anyone what his needs were. He told them to God and confidently expected them to be met.

During his life, Mueller started 117 schools which educated over 120,000 young people and orphans. He became pastor of Bethesda Chapel in Bristol. The church had some 2,000 members at his death.

So, we thank you for our George Mueller moments. Thanks for letting God work through you and you didn't even know it! (Josh just asked, "Why write about George Mueller? Did you have another moment you didn't tell me about?") It's a great thing to look forward to how God is going to work in your life. And we'll take the good AND the bad, right?

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Bald is... efficient

I can honestly say that I don't look at my now very bald head by choice. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse in the mirror (which is rare given that I have a hat on my head 95% of the time) and, like my kids, kinda do a double-take. Levi said to me the other day when I happen to pull off my hat, "Mom, put hat on!" Yes, dear, I couldn't agree more.

Though I was realizing, too, the better side of bald. I use far less shampoo and conditioner. Shower time is significantly reduced (that may be a down side!). Primping: none - you could literally cut your bathroom time in half! There's no wondering if the cut or color flatters your face, whether it's too dry or too oily, frizzy, flat, too straight or curly, on and on. I sound like I obsess about hair, but if you really think about, even for the hair minimalists, every one of us spends a great deal of time thinking about, or dealing with our hair -- with the exception of you basically bald or fully bald men! So I challenge you: try a day - or few months - without your hair, or more practically, notice how many times you do muss with or think of your hair. ...Keep in mind, I don't actually like looking at my bald head. :)

Given my new bald self and my current dislike of it, I've become impatient with this whole treatment thing. Upon diagnosis, I was gonna have surgery and then a bit of chemo, whip this thing and move on. The first surprise was that they couldn't do the full reconstruction at the initial surgery. OK, fine, no problem, we'll git'er done. We learned in past few weeks that the final reconstruction phase cannot BEGIN until 6-12 months AFTER radiation is complete. That's not 'whipping this thing and moving on!' Combine that with the fact that the second phase of chemo (I'm going for cycle 3 of 4 in the first phase tomorrow) feels much longer than the first phase. First phase of 4 cycles is every other week (2 mo.); second phase, also of 4 cycles, is every three weeks (3 mo.). THEN three weeks off, THEN 6.5 weeks of radiation. And THEN 6-12 months later we can begin the final reconstruction. Sigh. That seems like a long time. Of course, I'm scheming ways that I can circumvent the process, but I think this may be another opportunity for God to teach me patience - something I can certainly use more of.

On a good note, this was a great week. Though I go for another treatment tomorrow afternoon, this will be the first time that I'm feeling healthy going into it. I've been fighting a congestion/cough thing for several weeks and think it's finally been kicked! Yea! Amazing, given low white blood cell counts with 3 feverish kids at home all week. Hooray for prayer and antioxidants -- I'm fully covered! Reinforcements inside and out. Thank you to everyone who's been praying for me and my family!!

Thursday, November 5, 2009

A Joyful Heart

I read two devotions today.

One from Proverbs 17:22 "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." I have over and over, not just post-diagnosis, found this to be true. But it's just so easy for me to slip into my 'broken spirit.' When Josh & I talk of future plans, I see the difficulty rather than the possibility. When I look at my present situation, I often lose sight of the lessons I saw God was going to teach me through this and only see the struggle. Even to write of such a perspective saps my strength! So, I resolve to have a cheerful heart. Because it's good medicine for my soul! (We'll see how that goes - don't ask Josh about it b/c then I may actually have to be accountable!)

The other devotion was from Acts 14:33 "...they were amazed, and began to see [Peter and John] as having been with Jesus." This particular devotion began by talking about events which consume your thoughts much like this cancer process has consumed me. What if, it asked, we were consumed by thoughts of Jesus? What if people recognized us as being so close to Jesus that others were 'amazed' by it? Rather than being consumed by my diagnosis and treatments, what if I'm consumed with Christ? As the prayer of the devotion said, "I would consider this whole cancer deal worth it, if in the end I look more like Jesus, sound more like Him, and even smell more like Him."

I had my blood counts done today. Normally one should have a white blood cell count of about 4.0-11.0. Mine was at 0.53. The nurse was a bit surprised it was so incredibly low, but she explained that it goes to show that the treatments are doing what they should. Weird, because I feel better this time than last time. It apparently has nothing to do with how you feel; it has everything to do with how well you can fight infection. So needless to say, I won't be going to church this weekend. Please don't be offended, I simply don't care to share germs :) I've got a kid with a cough at home and that's enough for me, thank you!

So that's all I have to share at this point. Seems like it's a time of quiet. The few days after treatment are rough, and then after that it's a time to work to stay healthy. Again, we appreciate all the help everyone has given. I really cannot imagine going through this without it. Thank you!!

PS For those who were not able earlier, the meal planner has been updated (www.takethemameal.com)