Yes, we sold our house!!! And we didn't even really think it was still for sale! Praise to God!
Here's our story of how God has been working in the life of our family.
Back up about 4 years ago:
In Spring of '04 I was working part-time at Calvin College, had a kindergartner, a 1st grader, and an infant. My daycare provider at the time told me she was no longer going to do childcare come Summer, so I was left to either find a new sitter and keep working or find a way to work from home and not use childcare. In exploring these options, we also considered if we wanted to homeschool our kids - something we had thought about when Noah was to start kindergarten. Combine this with Josh really feeling God calling him to finish his seminary degree (MDiv). All these factors: no child care, wanting to stay home and homeschool the kids, Josh going to seminary - God was at work in everyone in our house. So three or so years ago, I started working from home and homeschooling the kids while Josh worked part-time and went to school full-time. And, by the way, I became pregnant with Levi shortly after we started all this. Crazy! We completely saw God's hand in all of it, however. School and family was easier for Josh to balance than it had been on previous attempts. The kids and I enjoyed homeschooling, and we enjoyed the flexibility it offered - when Josh had off, we took time off too. So though it was crazy and there were plenty of tough times, we knew it was the best situation for us at that time. By the end of those three years, though, we were 'spent.'
So now we're to Summer of '09. Josh was slated to graduate in August following the last summer internship. We began interviewing with the CRC Home Missions group to start a church plant somewhere - anywhere but Iowa (no offense Iowans!) About mid-way through summer we made the decision that it would be best to try to get the kids back in school so that it would free me up to get the household ready for a move. God lead us to a 'perfect' community of people in Lethbridge, Alberta Canada (I forgot to include Canada when I prayed to be sent anywhere except Iowa). We resonated with the folks and the community, the weather, and the funding was in place so we were ready to go. I kept bugging Josh to 'just accept the position and let's go!' but he wanted to wait out his decision-making time until August 21. So knowing we'd be moving to Canada and not sure about the health care there, I scheduled what I thought would be a routine check of a lump on my breast. This, of course, lead to the breast cancer diagnosis (on August 19), surgery, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, etc., etc. The call to Lethbridge on August 21 was not a job offer acceptance, but rather sad news that we needed to wait for several months before we could really feel comfortable moving up there.
In hind-sight, God had his hand in all this! We needed to step out in faith and seriously consider moving our family to Canada. We learned later that had we moved at that time, things may not have worked out as smoothly as we were planning b/c some funding fell through for the church plant. Had we not been considering moving, I may not have worked to get the kids back at school (which now has proved ideal for me to rest and heal rather than try to immigrate like I thought I'd be doing.) Had we not been considering moving to Canada I may have waited longer to have the lump checked out. Had we moved to Canada, I would've been going through all the treatments under the (slower) Canadian health care system. I really feel God knew just what needed to happen at just the right time.
So now we're in a state of what feels like limbo. Josh cannot start his new job putting his new credentials to work. I'm out of commission trying to get healed up. What in the world is God doing? How is this working?
The For Sale sign in the front yard fell over and eventually got moved to the back of the garage. Our focus shifted from moving our family to how to deal with my new medical issue and what may be in store for Josh in all this 'waiting.' Low and behold, someone found our house on zillow.com and was super-excited about it. They looked at it Tuesday, brought the parents on Wednesday, made an offer on Thursday, accepted the counter-offer today. We sold the house!! We didn't even really think it was still on the market! What in the world is God up to??
How is this showing God at work? The way we see it, God calls us to be in relationship with Him, in real relationship with our family and community, and to stop trying to orchestrate how he's going to work. With no house to tie us down, we are poised for the ultimate opportunity to follow His calling! My excitement is renewed!! God IS working in our family! He's teaching us and working through our community! He's got a plan! I have no idea what or where it may take us, but what a relief to know that it's not my job to try to make it happen. I am - no, we are - free to follow God's calling.
Lead on!! (That's not to say I don't have my stressors about it too, but you know what I'm sayin'!)
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Treatment 5 realties
It's one week post-treatment which means today I went in for a CBC blood profile. I figured they'd tell me my "white blood counts are in toilet, but that's where we like to see them," and that my platelets are low, but I was wrong! Apparently these drugs do not effect the blood as dramatically. But I did have a whole bunch of questions about the side-effects I'm having:
Speaking of God: He sold our house! I had listed the house back in August when we thought we'd be moving to Canada on a few free listing sites and most had expired by now. Zillow has kept our posting and some buyers found it, asked to go through, came through again, and now Josh is at the agent's office talking about their offer! We had figured it 'off the market' and quit trying to find a buyer... in God's timing - in His unpredictability - he brought a buyer and sold the house for us. The big question is "Now what?" But what we've learned in this is that it is not our job to orchestrate God's will. When we step out, God will step in. It is our job to make ourselves available to his calling. I have no idea what that looks like, but I'm certainly renewed in my enthusiasm for what God wants to do through our family after this whole thing!
Hmmm... Josh calling with offer details. More later!
- For about 36+ hrs. my tongue and throat felt about 2 sizes too big. Now it feels like I burned my whole mouth and it's ready to peel or something. Consequently everything tastes like wax. Nurse Wendy prescribed a Nystatin oral rinse - so it's been thrush I've been bothered with.
- My eyes have been quite dry, which I'm told is because they want to tear, but can't. This makes me rub them a bit which is causing eyelashes to come off.
- General muscle weakness/aches. It hit about 11 pm on Friday night. I realized I better get to bed or I'd never get there at all. That went away some time Sunday.
- And then there's my hands. Monday what looks like a burn showed up between my ring and pinky finger, and my nail beds were generally sensitive. Tuesday-Wednesday the sensitivity has increased to the whole hand and there's several spots that have that 'burned' look to them. It's a bit like having been out in the freezing weather without gloves and then coming in to stick them under hot water. Ouch! Even getting on my socks this morning was a chore. Washing in hot water is a definite 'out.' Even Nurse Wendy looked at my hands and said, "Ouch" which helped me feel that I wasn't crazy. She prescribed "a drug for that!" that will help with the next round. She did say not to be surprised if my hands started to peel as that was the next step. Eeeuuu!
- And the bowel issues are not cleared up.
Speaking of God: He sold our house! I had listed the house back in August when we thought we'd be moving to Canada on a few free listing sites and most had expired by now. Zillow has kept our posting and some buyers found it, asked to go through, came through again, and now Josh is at the agent's office talking about their offer! We had figured it 'off the market' and quit trying to find a buyer... in God's timing - in His unpredictability - he brought a buyer and sold the house for us. The big question is "Now what?" But what we've learned in this is that it is not our job to orchestrate God's will. When we step out, God will step in. It is our job to make ourselves available to his calling. I have no idea what that looks like, but I'm certainly renewed in my enthusiasm for what God wants to do through our family after this whole thing!
Hmmm... Josh calling with offer details. More later!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Quick Update for Treatment 5
Well, we're into the second phase of chemo! Yea?
I no longer have to deal with nausea and bowel issues (TMI?), but this new round will have new side-effects. These include: red/burning palms and feet bottoms (Ouch!), teary eyes (what's new these days?!), really ugly nails, and bad aches (the phrase used was, "When you feel like a small car has run you over..." Nice).
In administering the new drugs, they had to go really slow to check if my body had any adverse reactions to them. I didn't. Yea! A drug I can tolerate! Yea? But... we - meaning Josh and I - had the appointment at 9:45 and somehow didn't drive away until 3:24. Felt like we entered a time warp! Thankfully, my Mom and Dad stayed with the kids all day as they had a snow day - again! They took off, I took a nap and woke when Josh had dinner on the table. What a man! Sat on the couch until 7:45, played a card game with the kids and then this. What a productive day!!
"And so it goes, and so it goes..." (Neal Diamond or is that Simon & Garfunkel [who actually comes up in the spell check]?) I'm also wondering if some steroid has kicked in b/c I've been unusually chatty the last few hours. Maybe I shouldn't have napped. Ughhh! It's such a mess!!
I no longer have to deal with nausea and bowel issues (TMI?), but this new round will have new side-effects. These include: red/burning palms and feet bottoms (Ouch!), teary eyes (what's new these days?!), really ugly nails, and bad aches (the phrase used was, "When you feel like a small car has run you over..." Nice).
In administering the new drugs, they had to go really slow to check if my body had any adverse reactions to them. I didn't. Yea! A drug I can tolerate! Yea? But... we - meaning Josh and I - had the appointment at 9:45 and somehow didn't drive away until 3:24. Felt like we entered a time warp! Thankfully, my Mom and Dad stayed with the kids all day as they had a snow day - again! They took off, I took a nap and woke when Josh had dinner on the table. What a man! Sat on the couch until 7:45, played a card game with the kids and then this. What a productive day!!
"And so it goes, and so it goes..." (Neal Diamond or is that Simon & Garfunkel [who actually comes up in the spell check]?) I'm also wondering if some steroid has kicked in b/c I've been unusually chatty the last few hours. Maybe I shouldn't have napped. Ughhh! It's such a mess!!
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Grandpa and The Grr Factor
There's really no info to report that's particular to my treatment. I go again in Thursday so this is "my week" - the week when I feel like I want to feel. The week after treatment I call "Dr Campbell's week" - the week I feel like how Dr. Campbell wants me to feel. Gross.
My musings:
Today marks one year since we laid my dear Grandpa Spoelhof to rest at age 99. I was jogging today when the song "In Christ Alone" popped on the ipod. It's a song we sang at Grandpa's memorial service. It sent me to tears. I mourned that I am no longer able to be with him, but at the same time I needed to remember that he's in heaven! Eternity with the all-glorious, holy, Creator, Father God. An eternity of praise and adoration. Hmmm, not bad. I'm sad for me and rejoice for him.
I was reflecting on how he touched my life and this is what I concluded: he taught me acceptance, or at the least, tolerance of everyone, and that everyone is important enough to deserve a introduction and to learn a bit about them. And he taught me the importance of living a life without regrets. Thanks, Grandpa!
The Grr Factor
Ever tried jogging and crying? It's actually quite cleansing. It can get ya to The Grr Factor much easier! The Grr Factor's that point when mind and body go on auto-pilot and you can just GO. There's exercise (and that's just drudgery) and then there's exercise with the Grr Factor. You can get all your aggressions, frustrations - all those -ations - out of your system, or just set life aside for a little while. It's pure focus, or something. Anyway, my words of the day: Pursue the Grr Factor! Otherwise you just end up grumpy with sore muscles or a headache.
BTW it's recommended that women with breast cancer exercise about 4 hrs a week to improve survival rates. Read more Interestingly I also learned this summer through Josh's CPE internship that my particular personality type needs to exercise regularly to be emotionally healthy. God's at work (in strange ways), don't you know?
My musings:
Today marks one year since we laid my dear Grandpa Spoelhof to rest at age 99. I was jogging today when the song "In Christ Alone" popped on the ipod. It's a song we sang at Grandpa's memorial service. It sent me to tears. I mourned that I am no longer able to be with him, but at the same time I needed to remember that he's in heaven! Eternity with the all-glorious, holy, Creator, Father God. An eternity of praise and adoration. Hmmm, not bad. I'm sad for me and rejoice for him.
I was reflecting on how he touched my life and this is what I concluded: he taught me acceptance, or at the least, tolerance of everyone, and that everyone is important enough to deserve a introduction and to learn a bit about them. And he taught me the importance of living a life without regrets. Thanks, Grandpa!
The Grr Factor
Ever tried jogging and crying? It's actually quite cleansing. It can get ya to The Grr Factor much easier! The Grr Factor's that point when mind and body go on auto-pilot and you can just GO. There's exercise (and that's just drudgery) and then there's exercise with the Grr Factor. You can get all your aggressions, frustrations - all those -ations - out of your system, or just set life aside for a little while. It's pure focus, or something. Anyway, my words of the day: Pursue the Grr Factor! Otherwise you just end up grumpy with sore muscles or a headache.
BTW it's recommended that women with breast cancer exercise about 4 hrs a week to improve survival rates. Read more Interestingly I also learned this summer through Josh's CPE internship that my particular personality type needs to exercise regularly to be emotionally healthy. God's at work (in strange ways), don't you know?
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Duh! and Treatment 4
Here's what's been on my mind.
About a week or more ago I woke with two songs in my head. One was the classic hymn by Thomas Dorsey written in 1932, Precious Lord, Take My Hand (Hear the Randy Travis version Hee, hee!) and the other was If I Stand by Rich Mullins written some time in the late 80's-early 90's. Both songs are about leading, guiding, lending strength. I had been questioning the notion that 'Christ suffered like any human.' How could Christ understand being a woman, wife, and/or mother? Were his hours on the cross (albeit horrific) comparable to my long months of 'suffering' through surgery and chemo and anything else that may come? Does he really understand all that? How could he? He's a man, he never married, and he certainly didn't get chemo.
And then a verse and another song came to mind. The verse was Matthew 9:5 "Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'?" and the song was Happy Day (You can hear it at http://www.imeem.com/artists/fee/music/AiRkkVcL/fee-happy-day/ I couldn't get it to open without the login bit) by Fee. Both those together reminded me that Jesus didn't need to walk in my shoes exactly. His life and 'mission' on this earth was so much greater; my struggles are with this world and what it holds. Jesus came to restore me of my sin! He paid the debt and washed me clean so that I am even given the chance to stand before the Father. Had he not died on the cross that I may be forgiven of my sins, I would be forever separated from Christ by my sin. Hellooo!! Which is worse" feeling cruddy because of drugs or to be forever separated from my Father, Creator? Duh. It gave me a bit of perspective that day.
Treatment 4 has come and trying to 'go.' I've had a harder time shaking it this time - feeling a bit toxic all the time. I was quite emotional the last go-round and was worried it may carry over the next few weeks. On Friday I asked Josh if he could get me a jello with whipped cream. When he brought it to me moments later I broke into tears, "You brought me jello with whipped cream!!" Oh, good grief. Thankfully, that sort of thing seems to be fading. There's still tears on occasion about my lot in life - remember: I'm not supposed to be the one with cancer! In some ways it's all still very surreal.
The blood draw today went well. White blood cells at 2.something which is way up from where it's ever been, though still in the toilet. Platelets were down from last time, but not as low as they have been; and the hemoglobin (oxygen-carrying factor) was down so I need an iron supplement - or lots of steak and spinach, right?!
So there you have it! Thank you for the wonderful ways everyone continues to support me and my family. What a blessing!!
About a week or more ago I woke with two songs in my head. One was the classic hymn by Thomas Dorsey written in 1932, Precious Lord, Take My Hand (Hear the Randy Travis version Hee, hee!) and the other was If I Stand by Rich Mullins written some time in the late 80's-early 90's. Both songs are about leading, guiding, lending strength. I had been questioning the notion that 'Christ suffered like any human.' How could Christ understand being a woman, wife, and/or mother? Were his hours on the cross (albeit horrific) comparable to my long months of 'suffering' through surgery and chemo and anything else that may come? Does he really understand all that? How could he? He's a man, he never married, and he certainly didn't get chemo.
And then a verse and another song came to mind. The verse was Matthew 9:5 "Which is easier: to say, 'Your sins are forgiven,' or to say, 'Get up and walk'?" and the song was Happy Day (You can hear it at http://www.imeem.com/artists/fee/music/AiRkkVcL/fee-happy-day/ I couldn't get it to open without the login bit) by Fee. Both those together reminded me that Jesus didn't need to walk in my shoes exactly. His life and 'mission' on this earth was so much greater; my struggles are with this world and what it holds. Jesus came to restore me of my sin! He paid the debt and washed me clean so that I am even given the chance to stand before the Father. Had he not died on the cross that I may be forgiven of my sins, I would be forever separated from Christ by my sin. Hellooo!! Which is worse" feeling cruddy because of drugs or to be forever separated from my Father, Creator? Duh. It gave me a bit of perspective that day.
Treatment 4 has come and trying to 'go.' I've had a harder time shaking it this time - feeling a bit toxic all the time. I was quite emotional the last go-round and was worried it may carry over the next few weeks. On Friday I asked Josh if he could get me a jello with whipped cream. When he brought it to me moments later I broke into tears, "You brought me jello with whipped cream!!" Oh, good grief. Thankfully, that sort of thing seems to be fading. There's still tears on occasion about my lot in life - remember: I'm not supposed to be the one with cancer! In some ways it's all still very surreal.
The blood draw today went well. White blood cells at 2.something which is way up from where it's ever been, though still in the toilet. Platelets were down from last time, but not as low as they have been; and the hemoglobin (oxygen-carrying factor) was down so I need an iron supplement - or lots of steak and spinach, right?!
So there you have it! Thank you for the wonderful ways everyone continues to support me and my family. What a blessing!!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Treatment 3 update
Before each treatment they take a CBC blood test to see if things, from a blood perspective, are good-to-go. Before this last treatment (cycle 3 of 8), they mentioned my platelets were low which means that I don't have a good clotting factor in my system: gums may bleed, bruise easier, etc. This isn't unusual to see during the course of treatment, but is unusual in the fact that it's come up so soon. I had some antibiotics in a few weeks prior which may have effected (affected?) the platelet count, though I don't think anyone can say for sure. Apparently platelets don't repopulate very quickly so there was some indication that a blood transfusion may be in order somewhere down the line. Great. Char Sweat, who went with me, explained that they do a great deal of type-matching so that your body doesn't reject the transfusion. I asked, "And if it does reject it? What does that look like?" I forget exactly what she said, but it didn't sound pretty, so I was glad they do their best to not let THAT happen! The up-shot though was that my treatments got 'tweaked.' More about that later...
My efforts to circumvent my seemingly elongated treatment plan was also thwarted. I cannot do chemo and radiation at the same time because it'll deplete my bone marrow. Not a good thing, so that was out. I also asked when my hair might come back hoping it could start growing back in cycles 5-8, but that too was a resounding NO. It'll start coming back about 6-8 weeks after I'm done w/ chemo. Bummer. So I just figured it out: my last chemo treatment is around Feb. 11, radiation starts around Mar. 4, done with radiation around April 6, (hair starts coming back around that same time - yea!) reconstruction some time between Sept 2010-Mar 2011. Ughhh.
About the tweaked treatment:
It turned out to be a good thing. I'm not sure what exactly they changed or if my body is simply responding a bit better, but physically this was an easier week. The last round I spent several days laying around, then a few good days, a few days in a slump, and then a few more good days. This time I was good pretty much the whole time. I had a few days of bleh, but functional; and then I really bounced back - physically - able to do all the usual household stuff and exercise/run! Yea!
However, through all that I was emotionally in the toilet. I spent Friday-Monday feeling quite sorry for myself and then Tues-Thursday being just plain grumpy. The emotions included bemoaning the entire LONG process, questioning why the heck I'm even doing this, feeling like the whole chemo treatment is a big overkill, ticked at my 'new' limited closet options... My newest favorite phrase about all of it: "This is stupid!" Is this treatment helping or ultimately harming? I was a healthy person to begin with, now I have concerns about all kinds of things - not just presently, but for the future as well. How can that be good? All these drugs may be killing the possible stray cancer cells, but are they damaging other organs at the same time? So my challenge for the doc this coming Thursday is for him to remind me why I'm doing all this.
I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. Enough ranting.
On another note: if you didn't hear Josh's sermon on grace this past Sunday, bug him to get it put on rrcworship.com so you can listen to it. I may have a biased opinion, but I thought it was excellent. I might have some thoughts to blog about another time. We shall see!
Good night moon.
My efforts to circumvent my seemingly elongated treatment plan was also thwarted. I cannot do chemo and radiation at the same time because it'll deplete my bone marrow. Not a good thing, so that was out. I also asked when my hair might come back hoping it could start growing back in cycles 5-8, but that too was a resounding NO. It'll start coming back about 6-8 weeks after I'm done w/ chemo. Bummer. So I just figured it out: my last chemo treatment is around Feb. 11, radiation starts around Mar. 4, done with radiation around April 6, (hair starts coming back around that same time - yea!) reconstruction some time between Sept 2010-Mar 2011. Ughhh.
About the tweaked treatment:
It turned out to be a good thing. I'm not sure what exactly they changed or if my body is simply responding a bit better, but physically this was an easier week. The last round I spent several days laying around, then a few good days, a few days in a slump, and then a few more good days. This time I was good pretty much the whole time. I had a few days of bleh, but functional; and then I really bounced back - physically - able to do all the usual household stuff and exercise/run! Yea!
However, through all that I was emotionally in the toilet. I spent Friday-Monday feeling quite sorry for myself and then Tues-Thursday being just plain grumpy. The emotions included bemoaning the entire LONG process, questioning why the heck I'm even doing this, feeling like the whole chemo treatment is a big overkill, ticked at my 'new' limited closet options... My newest favorite phrase about all of it: "This is stupid!" Is this treatment helping or ultimately harming? I was a healthy person to begin with, now I have concerns about all kinds of things - not just presently, but for the future as well. How can that be good? All these drugs may be killing the possible stray cancer cells, but are they damaging other organs at the same time? So my challenge for the doc this coming Thursday is for him to remind me why I'm doing all this.
I could go on and on, but I'll stop here. Enough ranting.
On another note: if you didn't hear Josh's sermon on grace this past Sunday, bug him to get it put on rrcworship.com so you can listen to it. I may have a biased opinion, but I thought it was excellent. I might have some thoughts to blog about another time. We shall see!
Good night moon.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
George Mueller moments
Over the last several months we've been blessed with many events that we call our 'George Mueller moments" -- we had a need, never mentioned it to anyone, and God used people in our family or community to fill the need. What a joyous thing to be able to call Josh and tell him, "Guess what! We have another George Muller moment!" Yippee!
So who's George Mueller? Our family was first introduced to him through our homeschool curriculum as part of the Heros of Faith lessons. Later, lo and behold, George appeared as part of a VeggieTale video of all things!
Mr. Mueller was the son of an English pastor, I believe, but strayed FAR from the faith and practices of Christianity. In his teens and early 20s he was regularly in debt (for not so great reasons that I cannot remember) and at least once jailed for his debts. In order to please his father, he agreed to go back to school. While there he continued his bad habits, (gambling maybe?) until invited to a bible study. Yaddy, yaddy, ya, he came to a crossroads one night because he needed money for tuition or something. Instead of going about his usual means to get funds, he dropped to his knees and prayed for the money. That same night his prayers were answered; he knew it to be an answer to prayer because he had not mentioned his need to anyone. From that night on (our biography book tells it), he decided to never ask for things he needed but rather to pray about them and let God work.
In a biography from swordofthelord.com, his story continues:
George Mueller
1805 - 1898
Mueller moved in 1832 toBristol , England
So who's George Mueller? Our family was first introduced to him through our homeschool curriculum as part of the Heros of Faith lessons. Later, lo and behold, George appeared as part of a VeggieTale video of all things!
Mr. Mueller was the son of an English pastor, I believe, but strayed FAR from the faith and practices of Christianity. In his teens and early 20s he was regularly in debt (for not so great reasons that I cannot remember) and at least once jailed for his debts. In order to please his father, he agreed to go back to school. While there he continued his bad habits, (gambling maybe?) until invited to a bible study. Yaddy, yaddy, ya, he came to a crossroads one night because he needed money for tuition or something. Instead of going about his usual means to get funds, he dropped to his knees and prayed for the money. That same night his prayers were answered; he knew it to be an answer to prayer because he had not mentioned his need to anyone. From that night on (our biography book tells it), he decided to never ask for things he needed but rather to pray about them and let God work.
In a biography from swordofthelord.com, his story continues:
George Mueller
1805 - 1898
Mueller moved in 1832 to
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Bald is... efficient
I can honestly say that I don't look at my now very bald head by choice. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse in the mirror (which is rare given that I have a hat on my head 95% of the time) and, like my kids, kinda do a double-take. Levi said to me the other day when I happen to pull off my hat, "Mom, put hat on!" Yes, dear, I couldn't agree more.
Though I was realizing, too, the better side of bald. I use far less shampoo and conditioner. Shower time is significantly reduced (that may be a down side!). Primping: none - you could literally cut your bathroom time in half! There's no wondering if the cut or color flatters your face, whether it's too dry or too oily, frizzy, flat, too straight or curly, on and on. I sound like I obsess about hair, but if you really think about, even for the hair minimalists, every one of us spends a great deal of time thinking about, or dealing with our hair -- with the exception of you basically bald or fully bald men! So I challenge you: try a day - or few months - without your hair, or more practically, notice how many times you do muss with or think of your hair. ...Keep in mind, I don't actually like looking at my bald head. :)
Given my new bald self and my current dislike of it, I've become impatient with this whole treatment thing. Upon diagnosis, I was gonna have surgery and then a bit of chemo, whip this thing and move on. The first surprise was that they couldn't do the full reconstruction at the initial surgery. OK, fine, no problem, we'll git'er done. We learned in past few weeks that the final reconstruction phase cannot BEGIN until 6-12 months AFTER radiation is complete. That's not 'whipping this thing and moving on!' Combine that with the fact that the second phase of chemo (I'm going for cycle 3 of 4 in the first phase tomorrow) feels much longer than the first phase. First phase of 4 cycles is every other week (2 mo.); second phase, also of 4 cycles, is every three weeks (3 mo.). THEN three weeks off, THEN 6.5 weeks of radiation. And THEN 6-12 months later we can begin the final reconstruction. Sigh. That seems like a long time. Of course, I'm scheming ways that I can circumvent the process, but I think this may be another opportunity for God to teach me patience - something I can certainly use more of.
On a good note, this was a great week. Though I go for another treatment tomorrow afternoon, this will be the first time that I'm feeling healthy going into it. I've been fighting a congestion/cough thing for several weeks and think it's finally been kicked! Yea! Amazing, given low white blood cell counts with 3 feverish kids at home all week. Hooray for prayer and antioxidants -- I'm fully covered! Reinforcements inside and out. Thank you to everyone who's been praying for me and my family!!
Though I was realizing, too, the better side of bald. I use far less shampoo and conditioner. Shower time is significantly reduced (that may be a down side!). Primping: none - you could literally cut your bathroom time in half! There's no wondering if the cut or color flatters your face, whether it's too dry or too oily, frizzy, flat, too straight or curly, on and on. I sound like I obsess about hair, but if you really think about, even for the hair minimalists, every one of us spends a great deal of time thinking about, or dealing with our hair -- with the exception of you basically bald or fully bald men! So I challenge you: try a day - or few months - without your hair, or more practically, notice how many times you do muss with or think of your hair. ...Keep in mind, I don't actually like looking at my bald head. :)
Given my new bald self and my current dislike of it, I've become impatient with this whole treatment thing. Upon diagnosis, I was gonna have surgery and then a bit of chemo, whip this thing and move on. The first surprise was that they couldn't do the full reconstruction at the initial surgery. OK, fine, no problem, we'll git'er done. We learned in past few weeks that the final reconstruction phase cannot BEGIN until 6-12 months AFTER radiation is complete. That's not 'whipping this thing and moving on!' Combine that with the fact that the second phase of chemo (I'm going for cycle 3 of 4 in the first phase tomorrow) feels much longer than the first phase. First phase of 4 cycles is every other week (2 mo.); second phase, also of 4 cycles, is every three weeks (3 mo.). THEN three weeks off, THEN 6.5 weeks of radiation. And THEN 6-12 months later we can begin the final reconstruction. Sigh. That seems like a long time. Of course, I'm scheming ways that I can circumvent the process, but I think this may be another opportunity for God to teach me patience - something I can certainly use more of.
On a good note, this was a great week. Though I go for another treatment tomorrow afternoon, this will be the first time that I'm feeling healthy going into it. I've been fighting a congestion/cough thing for several weeks and think it's finally been kicked! Yea! Amazing, given low white blood cell counts with 3 feverish kids at home all week. Hooray for prayer and antioxidants -- I'm fully covered! Reinforcements inside and out. Thank you to everyone who's been praying for me and my family!!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A Joyful Heart
I read two devotions today.
One from Proverbs 17:22 "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." I have over and over, not just post-diagnosis, found this to be true. But it's just so easy for me to slip into my 'broken spirit.' When Josh & I talk of future plans, I see the difficulty rather than the possibility. When I look at my present situation, I often lose sight of the lessons I saw God was going to teach me through this and only see the struggle. Even to write of such a perspective saps my strength! So, I resolve to have a cheerful heart. Because it's good medicine for my soul! (We'll see how that goes - don't ask Josh about it b/c then I may actually have to be accountable!)
The other devotion was from Acts 14:33 "...they were amazed, and began to see [Peter and John] as having been with Jesus." This particular devotion began by talking about events which consume your thoughts much like this cancer process has consumed me. What if, it asked, we were consumed by thoughts of Jesus? What if people recognized us as being so close to Jesus that others were 'amazed' by it? Rather than being consumed by my diagnosis and treatments, what if I'm consumed with Christ? As the prayer of the devotion said, "I would consider this whole cancer deal worth it, if in the end I look more like Jesus, sound more like Him, and even smell more like Him."
I had my blood counts done today. Normally one should have a white blood cell count of about 4.0-11.0. Mine was at 0.53. The nurse was a bit surprised it was so incredibly low, but she explained that it goes to show that the treatments are doing what they should. Weird, because I feel better this time than last time. It apparently has nothing to do with how you feel; it has everything to do with how well you can fight infection. So needless to say, I won't be going to church this weekend. Please don't be offended, I simply don't care to share germs :) I've got a kid with a cough at home and that's enough for me, thank you!
So that's all I have to share at this point. Seems like it's a time of quiet. The few days after treatment are rough, and then after that it's a time to work to stay healthy. Again, we appreciate all the help everyone has given. I really cannot imagine going through this without it. Thank you!!
PS For those who were not able earlier, the meal planner has been updated (www.takethemameal.com)
One from Proverbs 17:22 "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength." I have over and over, not just post-diagnosis, found this to be true. But it's just so easy for me to slip into my 'broken spirit.' When Josh & I talk of future plans, I see the difficulty rather than the possibility. When I look at my present situation, I often lose sight of the lessons I saw God was going to teach me through this and only see the struggle. Even to write of such a perspective saps my strength! So, I resolve to have a cheerful heart. Because it's good medicine for my soul! (We'll see how that goes - don't ask Josh about it b/c then I may actually have to be accountable!)
The other devotion was from Acts 14:33 "...they were amazed, and began to see [Peter and John] as having been with Jesus." This particular devotion began by talking about events which consume your thoughts much like this cancer process has consumed me. What if, it asked, we were consumed by thoughts of Jesus? What if people recognized us as being so close to Jesus that others were 'amazed' by it? Rather than being consumed by my diagnosis and treatments, what if I'm consumed with Christ? As the prayer of the devotion said, "I would consider this whole cancer deal worth it, if in the end I look more like Jesus, sound more like Him, and even smell more like Him."
I had my blood counts done today. Normally one should have a white blood cell count of about 4.0-11.0. Mine was at 0.53. The nurse was a bit surprised it was so incredibly low, but she explained that it goes to show that the treatments are doing what they should. Weird, because I feel better this time than last time. It apparently has nothing to do with how you feel; it has everything to do with how well you can fight infection. So needless to say, I won't be going to church this weekend. Please don't be offended, I simply don't care to share germs :) I've got a kid with a cough at home and that's enough for me, thank you!
So that's all I have to share at this point. Seems like it's a time of quiet. The few days after treatment are rough, and then after that it's a time to work to stay healthy. Again, we appreciate all the help everyone has given. I really cannot imagine going through this without it. Thank you!!
PS For those who were not able earlier, the meal planner has been updated (www.takethemameal.com)
Friday, October 30, 2009
Hair today...gone today - and tomorrow
And so it goes, and so it goes. Showered today and had strands of hair entwined in my fingers. Not enough to necessitate at head cover yet, but certainly enough that I bypassed the hairdryer for a finger-styled look. And hair spray - to 'glue' it on :) Tonight might be a night of Josh shaving my head with the clippers because that seems a lot cleaner than flying it all over the bathroom. We shall see!
Had round 2 of chemo yesterday. The treatments themselves are pretty uneventful. The day was gorgeous, so I took the dog for a walk, ate some lunch, and then walked with Esther. Then....I crashed! I curled up in bed until I rolled out for another followup appointment with the plastic surgeon, Dr. Cullen. Unfortunately he was working out of his office in Byron Center (about 40 minutes away) and the car ride just about got the better of me. Thankfully, I now keep a stash of my 'extra' anti-nausea drugs in my purse, so we got there and back without incident. Yea! After that, I crawled back in bed and didn't emerge again until about midnight when I had a cup of jello. What a day!
Today's been not much more exciting. I sliced an apple for the kids' lunch, ate some toast, and then plopped on the couch and have only removed myself to shower and another quick appointment. Next on my agenda: eat some dinner and write some cards. Big plans!!
Sorry, no deep thoughts for today. They've all left with my hairs. :)
Had round 2 of chemo yesterday. The treatments themselves are pretty uneventful. The day was gorgeous, so I took the dog for a walk, ate some lunch, and then walked with Esther. Then....I crashed! I curled up in bed until I rolled out for another followup appointment with the plastic surgeon, Dr. Cullen. Unfortunately he was working out of his office in Byron Center (about 40 minutes away) and the car ride just about got the better of me. Thankfully, I now keep a stash of my 'extra' anti-nausea drugs in my purse, so we got there and back without incident. Yea! After that, I crawled back in bed and didn't emerge again until about midnight when I had a cup of jello. What a day!
Today's been not much more exciting. I sliced an apple for the kids' lunch, ate some toast, and then plopped on the couch and have only removed myself to shower and another quick appointment. Next on my agenda: eat some dinner and write some cards. Big plans!!
Sorry, no deep thoughts for today. They've all left with my hairs. :)
Sunday, October 25, 2009
The new rhythm of life
So almost a full 'cycle' of chemo under my belt and have a better understanding of what my next 4-5 months will be like. So here goes:
Thursday: treatment
Friday-Sunday: morning sickness-type stomach upset
Monday-Tuesday: feeling pretty good
Wednesday-Sunday: extreme and then lessening exhaustion due to low blood levels
Monday-Wednesday: feeling good, I suspect, tho this week I have another plastic surgeon appointment so I'll be dealing with that instead of functioning well :(
And then the process starts all over again!
This goes on for 4 cycles (so about mid-December) and then I start a different cycle of 4 times. This other cycle will begin with treatment every three weeks instead of every two weeks. After 12 weeks, I get a 3 week break then radiation of 33 sessions - they take weekends and holidays off, yippee!! So 6.5 weeks of radiation and then final reconstruction begins.
So goes my new rhythm of life!
On another note: I went to the Women's Retreat this weekend - thank you April who did a GREAT job putting it together!! I realized there that I have no problem worshipping and glorifying God, my Maker, but I really struggle with the praise songs. I've had a few people ask me if I was angry with God about my cancer. My answer: No, never. My God is so much bigger than my diagnosis. I read this weekend in Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. This has been my sentiment from the beginning - and I found it so plainly written right there in the Bible - yea, God! So, while I have this confidence in God and his plan, I guess I have a hard time praising him through it. He's more than worthy of my worship and is more glorious than (fill in the blank), so what's it about praise that I struggle so much? Here's what I discovered as I looked up the definitions - praise is to express approval and admiration; worship is an expression of love and devotion; glorify is to exalt. So there you go - through all this I know God is deserving of everything I can give, but I'm struggling to be able to approve of this present course. Am I angry with God? I still say 'no,' but I now understand that while I have confidence in the outcomes, I do struggle with loving the current circumstance.
Thursday: treatment
Friday-Sunday: morning sickness-type stomach upset
Monday-Tuesday: feeling pretty good
Wednesday-Sunday: extreme and then lessening exhaustion due to low blood levels
Monday-Wednesday: feeling good, I suspect, tho this week I have another plastic surgeon appointment so I'll be dealing with that instead of functioning well :(
And then the process starts all over again!
This goes on for 4 cycles (so about mid-December) and then I start a different cycle of 4 times. This other cycle will begin with treatment every three weeks instead of every two weeks. After 12 weeks, I get a 3 week break then radiation of 33 sessions - they take weekends and holidays off, yippee!! So 6.5 weeks of radiation and then final reconstruction begins.
So goes my new rhythm of life!
On another note: I went to the Women's Retreat this weekend - thank you April who did a GREAT job putting it together!! I realized there that I have no problem worshipping and glorifying God, my Maker, but I really struggle with the praise songs. I've had a few people ask me if I was angry with God about my cancer. My answer: No, never. My God is so much bigger than my diagnosis. I read this weekend in Colossians 1:17 He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. This has been my sentiment from the beginning - and I found it so plainly written right there in the Bible - yea, God! So, while I have this confidence in God and his plan, I guess I have a hard time praising him through it. He's more than worthy of my worship and is more glorious than (fill in the blank), so what's it about praise that I struggle so much? Here's what I discovered as I looked up the definitions - praise is to express approval and admiration; worship is an expression of love and devotion; glorify is to exalt. So there you go - through all this I know God is deserving of everything I can give, but I'm struggling to be able to approve of this present course. Am I angry with God? I still say 'no,' but I now understand that while I have confidence in the outcomes, I do struggle with loving the current circumstance.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A word on tissue expanders
(I did have a request posted for a mattress topper, but we're all set. Thanks everyone!!)
If ever you hear a doc speak of 'tissue expanders' be afraid - be very afraid! The purpose of these is a very good thing. According to plasticsurgery.org "Tissue expansion is a relatively straightforward procedure that enables the body to "grow" extra skin for use in reconstructing almost any part of the body.... It is most commonly used for breast reconstruction ... but it's also used to repair skin damaged by birth defects, accidents or surgery, and in certain cosmetic procedures." Sounds easy enough, huh? For me it means putting the pectoralis muscle on my chest into a hyper-stretch until it becomes flexible enough that it's the 'new normal.' Josh is gonna go to the pharmacy (my new best friend) to get some pain meds a bit stronger than Tylenol. It's a med I've had good luck w/ before, but pray I don't puke! :)
As far as the side-effects of chemo - pretty much nil! Yea!! I was feeling gross and a bit sorry for myself on Saturday until a good friend came over and took care of me by getting rid of neck strain and detoxing my system. Such a good thing!! What I don't know is whether chemo has a cumulative effect or if this week is a good representation of what to expect throughout the treatment: another prayer request.
I got on the treadmill the other day and spent the time counting my blessings - they exceeded my time on the treadmill! I cannot say 'thank you' often enough and to enough people. Even when I'm not seeking God, He finds me through a card, a word, or special something that someone shares and THAT is comfort. My recovery process has been strengthened through each prayer and act of kindness. Thank you!
If ever you hear a doc speak of 'tissue expanders' be afraid - be very afraid! The purpose of these is a very good thing. According to plasticsurgery.org "Tissue expansion is a relatively straightforward procedure that enables the body to "grow" extra skin for use in reconstructing almost any part of the body.... It is most commonly used for breast reconstruction ... but it's also used to repair skin damaged by birth defects, accidents or surgery, and in certain cosmetic procedures." Sounds easy enough, huh? For me it means putting the pectoralis muscle on my chest into a hyper-stretch until it becomes flexible enough that it's the 'new normal.' Josh is gonna go to the pharmacy (my new best friend) to get some pain meds a bit stronger than Tylenol. It's a med I've had good luck w/ before, but pray I don't puke! :)
As far as the side-effects of chemo - pretty much nil! Yea!! I was feeling gross and a bit sorry for myself on Saturday until a good friend came over and took care of me by getting rid of neck strain and detoxing my system. Such a good thing!! What I don't know is whether chemo has a cumulative effect or if this week is a good representation of what to expect throughout the treatment: another prayer request.
I got on the treadmill the other day and spent the time counting my blessings - they exceeded my time on the treadmill! I cannot say 'thank you' often enough and to enough people. Even when I'm not seeking God, He finds me through a card, a word, or special something that someone shares and THAT is comfort. My recovery process has been strengthened through each prayer and act of kindness. Thank you!
Friday, October 16, 2009
The next day....
So far so good!
I went for "The day after shot" (Neulasta?) that is supposed to help bump up the white blood cells again. Downside: bone aches. Since white blood cells are created within your bones, they kinda go into overload. I asked, "Besides Tylenol for that, are there other options for counteracting the aching." Answer: "Of course! We have drugs for that!!" You can see I'm not a real fan of drugs, but, like I keep saying , "It is, what it is."
So, another good day!
New prayer request:
Overcoming mental hurdles. I may be or get tired, but I can do it!!
OK, the awaited haircut picture:
Before.
And...
After!
Strands were donated to a local kids group: Children With Hairloss (CWHL) Levi keeps looking at those strands of hair and saying, "Broke, Mom! Broke!" Cutie!
I went for "The day after shot" (Neulasta?) that is supposed to help bump up the white blood cells again. Downside: bone aches. Since white blood cells are created within your bones, they kinda go into overload. I asked, "Besides Tylenol for that, are there other options for counteracting the aching." Answer: "Of course! We have drugs for that!!" You can see I'm not a real fan of drugs, but, like I keep saying , "It is, what it is."
So, another good day!
New prayer request:
Overcoming mental hurdles. I may be or get tired, but I can do it!!
OK, the awaited haircut picture:
Before.
And...
After!
Strands were donated to a local kids group: Children With Hairloss (CWHL) Levi keeps looking at those strands of hair and saying, "Broke, Mom! Broke!" Cutie!
Finally! A good day!! (Thurs)
Today (Thursday) was the first chemo treatment, and it was easy! Can you believe!! The nurse said the weekend is when I'll feel a little gross, but "we have prescriptions for that!" Drugs, drugs, drugs.
We got there and asked the nurse, Wendy, to talk us through what was going to happen and what to expect. She explained each of the drugs and what they may do - most of it went over my head. I like biology, not chemistry. Bottom line, they'll give me the drugs I need and go from there, wherever "there" takes us. What I'm getting is 'highly nauseating' (you medical people can remind me what the technical term for that is) so they gave me an anti-nausea capsule while I was there (Emend) and I'll continue that for the next 2 days. In addition there's 2 prescriptions for others that I can take (one for day and one for night - they think of everything!) if I'm not feeling just right. She, Wendy, said most women report it to be similar to morning sickness. So for being a bad drug addict, I certainly have an arsenal!
Usually, we're told, since I had treatment on Thursday, I'll feel gross on Sat, Sun, Mon and then may just be fatigued or feeling like I have the flu after that. I had been concerned that I wouldn't be able/capable of doing much exercise (which I'm missing already) and she seemed to feel that *probably* I'd do just fine. I may have to adjust my goals a bit, but at least I'd be exercising. Fighting through fatigue will be "easier" to overcome (a mental hurdle in many ways) with chemo than post-surgeries when you're trying to repair, etc. (a physical hurdle).
Overall, I felt that this process will be do-able. I understand that as you go along, the fatigue and all accumulates so it doesn't get any easier. BUT, today was a good day! And they've seen it all and know what to do to help out to minimize side effects - yea!
One treatment down!!
Prayer requests:
Health for our family - and probably for yours as well!
Good, solid sleep each night
We got there and asked the nurse, Wendy, to talk us through what was going to happen and what to expect. She explained each of the drugs and what they may do - most of it went over my head. I like biology, not chemistry. Bottom line, they'll give me the drugs I need and go from there, wherever "there" takes us. What I'm getting is 'highly nauseating' (you medical people can remind me what the technical term for that is) so they gave me an anti-nausea capsule while I was there (Emend) and I'll continue that for the next 2 days. In addition there's 2 prescriptions for others that I can take (one for day and one for night - they think of everything!) if I'm not feeling just right. She, Wendy, said most women report it to be similar to morning sickness. So for being a bad drug addict, I certainly have an arsenal!
Usually, we're told, since I had treatment on Thursday, I'll feel gross on Sat, Sun, Mon and then may just be fatigued or feeling like I have the flu after that. I had been concerned that I wouldn't be able/capable of doing much exercise (which I'm missing already) and she seemed to feel that *probably* I'd do just fine. I may have to adjust my goals a bit, but at least I'd be exercising. Fighting through fatigue will be "easier" to overcome (a mental hurdle in many ways) with chemo than post-surgeries when you're trying to repair, etc. (a physical hurdle).
Overall, I felt that this process will be do-able. I understand that as you go along, the fatigue and all accumulates so it doesn't get any easier. BUT, today was a good day! And they've seen it all and know what to do to help out to minimize side effects - yea!
One treatment down!!
Prayer requests:
Health for our family - and probably for yours as well!
Good, solid sleep each night
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Not-so-simple Monday
Ahh, what to say about Monday!
Once again, an appointment that was supposed to be a 1/2 day got dragged into an all day affair - with a trip to the ER as 'frosting.'
Monday morning I had to go in to have the port 'installed' as a prep for the chemo on Thursday. The port rests on your chest wall, runs up the clavicle and into the jugular vein by your neck, and eventually lands somewhere above the heart. I didn't realize it went that far! The surgery itself when just fine. Josh stayed with Abby (who was sick that day) out in the rest of the building while I went back to do my thing. Apparently I was quite chatty during the whole thing. I can remember asking questions about what he was doing, why, what other kind of surgeries he did, how often - weird things. I shoulda just napped! At one point the nurse asked for another dosage, which I presume they gave, but I still kept a running conversation. Odd.
Post-surgery, I was in LaLa Land - and lovin' it! We packed up our things, wheeled me out and headed home. Josh stopped at a gas station for some drinks and that's when it went downhill. I puked twice in their bushes and felt much better after that! Went home, laid down to rest, puked some more. A friend came over to cut my hair to donate it to a children's organization like Locks of Love (pic coming as soon as anyone's healthy enough to take it.) She would cut, I would puke while she sweeped up the hair; cut/puke, cut/puke. You see where I'm going with this.
Wiped out, I rested a bit more until after dinner. The cracker and Propel I sipped didn't stay down and I was feeling miserable and a bit scared. It's one thing to get the flu and understand why you feel the way you do, it's another to not understand the cause of your troubles. That, and I couldn't take any pain meds until I could keep things down, and I was too tense to get my stomach to settle, so I couldn't take the pain meds in order to relax - another vicious cycle. Another friend must've called at that time and Josh asked her to come over so we could go to the med center/ER.
Once there, I showed them my already existing admit-band and they graciously triaged us RIGHT away and got me to a bed where I could lay down again. They started fluids and some anti-nausea meds which did help a bit, but b/c there was no good reason for me to be having trouble, a call to the Intervention Radiologist (who installed the port) directed a CT chest scan to check for blood clots.
The whole CT scan process went horribly! We spoke with the folks at Spectrum Health, so...enough has been said.
CT scan came back clear, and they connected the dots that, like the vicatin (sp.), whatever other narcotic they gave me at the surgery was causing my nausea. So we packed up, got dressed, though I laid back down b/c I still didn't feel confident (even after the anti-nausea meds they'd already given) that I'd make it home. She gave me a second, smaller dose. We drove home, I puked, and went to bed. So much for the meds!
This morning, stuff has stayed down, I was able to eat a full dinner and got several naps in during the day. Josh has come down with the awful head cold going around, so our TV/babysitter has been on about as much today as it ever is in a week!
And that was our Monday. Calendar said 'port 8:00' and 'haircut 2:00' but it turned out to be much more! Phew! Another day done :)
Thanks everyone for the continued prayers and support!!
Signing off!
-amanda
Once again, an appointment that was supposed to be a 1/2 day got dragged into an all day affair - with a trip to the ER as 'frosting.'
Monday morning I had to go in to have the port 'installed' as a prep for the chemo on Thursday. The port rests on your chest wall, runs up the clavicle and into the jugular vein by your neck, and eventually lands somewhere above the heart. I didn't realize it went that far! The surgery itself when just fine. Josh stayed with Abby (who was sick that day) out in the rest of the building while I went back to do my thing. Apparently I was quite chatty during the whole thing. I can remember asking questions about what he was doing, why, what other kind of surgeries he did, how often - weird things. I shoulda just napped! At one point the nurse asked for another dosage, which I presume they gave, but I still kept a running conversation. Odd.
Post-surgery, I was in LaLa Land - and lovin' it! We packed up our things, wheeled me out and headed home. Josh stopped at a gas station for some drinks and that's when it went downhill. I puked twice in their bushes and felt much better after that! Went home, laid down to rest, puked some more. A friend came over to cut my hair to donate it to a children's organization like Locks of Love (pic coming as soon as anyone's healthy enough to take it.) She would cut, I would puke while she sweeped up the hair; cut/puke, cut/puke. You see where I'm going with this.
Wiped out, I rested a bit more until after dinner. The cracker and Propel I sipped didn't stay down and I was feeling miserable and a bit scared. It's one thing to get the flu and understand why you feel the way you do, it's another to not understand the cause of your troubles. That, and I couldn't take any pain meds until I could keep things down, and I was too tense to get my stomach to settle, so I couldn't take the pain meds in order to relax - another vicious cycle. Another friend must've called at that time and Josh asked her to come over so we could go to the med center/ER.
Once there, I showed them my already existing admit-band and they graciously triaged us RIGHT away and got me to a bed where I could lay down again. They started fluids and some anti-nausea meds which did help a bit, but b/c there was no good reason for me to be having trouble, a call to the Intervention Radiologist (who installed the port) directed a CT chest scan to check for blood clots.
The whole CT scan process went horribly! We spoke with the folks at Spectrum Health, so...enough has been said.
CT scan came back clear, and they connected the dots that, like the vicatin (sp.), whatever other narcotic they gave me at the surgery was causing my nausea. So we packed up, got dressed, though I laid back down b/c I still didn't feel confident (even after the anti-nausea meds they'd already given) that I'd make it home. She gave me a second, smaller dose. We drove home, I puked, and went to bed. So much for the meds!
This morning, stuff has stayed down, I was able to eat a full dinner and got several naps in during the day. Josh has come down with the awful head cold going around, so our TV/babysitter has been on about as much today as it ever is in a week!
And that was our Monday. Calendar said 'port 8:00' and 'haircut 2:00' but it turned out to be much more! Phew! Another day done :)
Thanks everyone for the continued prayers and support!!
Signing off!
-amanda
Friday, October 9, 2009
It's been brought to my attention:
that I haven't mentioned the start date for the chemo treatments. The first cycle will begin this coming Thursday, October 15. I go in on Monday to have the port put in and then will start the craziness on Thursday.
It's an emotional process for me because it feels the beginning of the true treatment FOR cancer. Sigh. And I'll lose my hair. I'm trying to gain the courage to donate my hair to the local Locks of Love and play around with a short pixie cut for a few weeks while I'll still have hair. Sigh. It'll be done, I just need to take the first step and admit that it needs to be done. Sigh...and cry.
It's an emotional process for me because it feels the beginning of the true treatment FOR cancer. Sigh. And I'll lose my hair. I'm trying to gain the courage to donate my hair to the local Locks of Love and play around with a short pixie cut for a few weeks while I'll still have hair. Sigh. It'll be done, I just need to take the first step and admit that it needs to be done. Sigh...and cry.
Small request:
I'm loving the comments that everyone makes! Thank you so very much!
I'm right there with you if the 'Comment as:' option is a bit weird. I don't really get it myself. If you choose the 'anonymous' option or if you have an unusual user name, please put your first and last name in the comments so that I know who's writing to me. If for whatever reason you prefer not to leave comments here, you can always email me directly at alvantil@gmail.com.
It's a little thing, I know, but since you are so willing to help me through this, I appreciate knowing through whom my support and encouragement has come.
I'm right there with you if the 'Comment as:' option is a bit weird. I don't really get it myself. If you choose the 'anonymous' option or if you have an unusual user name, please put your first and last name in the comments so that I know who's writing to me. If for whatever reason you prefer not to leave comments here, you can always email me directly at alvantil@gmail.com.
It's a little thing, I know, but since you are so willing to help me through this, I appreciate knowing through whom my support and encouragement has come.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Radiology Oncologist
Today was the Radiology Oncologist's turn to weigh in - Dr. Kastner. Nice guy with more unfortunate news. Actually, I came out of the appointment less shaken than after the chemo appointment, but Lisa and Josh didn't feel the same.
Our discoveries:
1. Radiologists actually USE 'tangents' that you learned about in high school geometry (I had to use spell checker for both tangent and geometry - shows how much I use those two words!)
2. Radiation beams don't stop at the site at which they're shooting (duh!) - hence, 6 ft. thick cement walls and lead plates. What this means biologically is that in order to get to the lymph nodes, they need to use geometry and tangents to avoid things like lungs, spine, esophagus, thyroid, brachial nerve (that runs down your neck to the shoulder), etc. Before beginning treatment, they do a 3D CAT scan to get a picture of the 'virtual me' and use that to find the best angles for zapping the nodes and areas they want to target while avoiding tissues that they do not want to effect (affect?). Sounds easy enough to me, but if you noticed all the tissues they try to avoid, you can also read between the lines of the possible side effects.
What did surprise me was the larger area that they/he wanted to target. I was envisioning zapping the nodes under the arm and breast bone, but he spoke of hitting the ones that run up and under the collar bone as well as the (former) tumor site. Apparently the mastectomy scar, or that particular area, has a significant rate of reoccurrence. That is to say (for all you worriers) that there seems to be something about that particular area, even though surgically it is clean, cancers can show up again later in the skin, so by targeting it with local radiation, they reduce the chance of recurrence.
So why chemo AND radiation? It's an additive effect. For whatever reason chemo does a great job of targeting cancer cells that have 'gotten loose' in the body, but is not as effective locally (at the tumor site) which is where radiation is very efficient.
On a less factual side, we've learn a lot about not just the illness of cancer, but the manner in which it changes the person and all those near. I have a new empathy when I hear of one's diagnosis or treatment progress. It's not just a doctor's appointment and a lot of drugs with side-effects, there's an emotional roller-coaster that goes with it. Or/And... I was a person who never needed a doctor except for pregnancy and strep throat - even that's debatable :) Now suddenly, I'm one who needs to be vigilant of a multitude of side-effects for my life time. I'm understanding what it means that you are always 'a person who had cancer' -- though I'm still coming to terms with the fact that doctors keep calling me a cancer patient b/c I don't feel like one yet. :)
Our discoveries:
1. Radiologists actually USE 'tangents' that you learned about in high school geometry (I had to use spell checker for both tangent and geometry - shows how much I use those two words!)
2. Radiation beams don't stop at the site at which they're shooting (duh!) - hence, 6 ft. thick cement walls and lead plates. What this means biologically is that in order to get to the lymph nodes, they need to use geometry and tangents to avoid things like lungs, spine, esophagus, thyroid, brachial nerve (that runs down your neck to the shoulder), etc. Before beginning treatment, they do a 3D CAT scan to get a picture of the 'virtual me' and use that to find the best angles for zapping the nodes and areas they want to target while avoiding tissues that they do not want to effect (affect?). Sounds easy enough to me, but if you noticed all the tissues they try to avoid, you can also read between the lines of the possible side effects.
What did surprise me was the larger area that they/he wanted to target. I was envisioning zapping the nodes under the arm and breast bone, but he spoke of hitting the ones that run up and under the collar bone as well as the (former) tumor site. Apparently the mastectomy scar, or that particular area, has a significant rate of reoccurrence. That is to say (for all you worriers) that there seems to be something about that particular area, even though surgically it is clean, cancers can show up again later in the skin, so by targeting it with local radiation, they reduce the chance of recurrence.
So why chemo AND radiation? It's an additive effect. For whatever reason chemo does a great job of targeting cancer cells that have 'gotten loose' in the body, but is not as effective locally (at the tumor site) which is where radiation is very efficient.
On a less factual side, we've learn a lot about not just the illness of cancer, but the manner in which it changes the person and all those near. I have a new empathy when I hear of one's diagnosis or treatment progress. It's not just a doctor's appointment and a lot of drugs with side-effects, there's an emotional roller-coaster that goes with it. Or/And... I was a person who never needed a doctor except for pregnancy and strep throat - even that's debatable :) Now suddenly, I'm one who needs to be vigilant of a multitude of side-effects for my life time. I'm understanding what it means that you are always 'a person who had cancer' -- though I'm still coming to terms with the fact that doctors keep calling me a cancer patient b/c I don't feel like one yet. :)
Monday, October 5, 2009
Medical Oncologist
I'm exhausted after a LONG appointment today with the medical oncologist, Dr. Mark Campbell. It wasn't so much that he had a lot to say, but that he was running behind - WAY behind. Our appt. was at 4:15, but I think we actually met him closer to 6:30. Poor man looked exhausted. We (Lisa, Josh, and I) were having a blast in the room playing hangman on the whiteboard. The nurses even felt so bad about our wait that they found huge chocolate chip cookies and brand new whiteboard markers for us!
The medical oncologist is basically "The Chemo Man." He had wonderful analogies about dandelions and how their seeds spread across your lawn and all over, and the only way to kill the seeds is by spraying a lot of chemical to kill those and any other weed. I may expound on it all another time, but for now, that's his way of explaining why they use a lot of drugs to kill the little bitty cancer cells randomly spread (potentially) in the body - just like dandelion seeds in your lawn.
What we learned is that he has 5 'choice' drugs in mind to use over a course of 6 months. The first two months is a dosage of 3 drugs given every 2 weeks, then a second round of 2 kinds of drugs given every 3 weeks. Each 'session' takes about 3-4 hrs to receive, a shot the day after to assist in rebuilding your white blood cell count, and, "by-the-way, we'll insert a port under your collar bone a few days before we start so that we don't have to keep poking you." Then he whipped out his Blackberry and said, "So do you want to start Monday or Thursday?" WHAAA! We have life we've already planned on!
Right now the whole thing basically puts my body into a shaky, shocky kind of response. My legs shake, teeth chatter, and I shiver all over. Dr. Campbell assures us that the whole chemo process has been refined so that, while you still lose hair, etc., the nausea is not an issue. He anticipated that it's mostly fatigue that's the hard part. He equated it to the last month of pregnancy - for 6 months. Thankfully I've had good pregnancies, so.... :) not sure I can draw parallel conclusions, but it helps me understand that busy days will be functional, but tiring - and so you rest the next day.
I'll try to fill in the rest of the medical knowledge we gleaned today ('cause I like that kind of stuff!) when I'm not so tired. Unless it doesn't seem so interesting tomorrow. Phew, what a day! Good night, moon!
The medical oncologist is basically "The Chemo Man." He had wonderful analogies about dandelions and how their seeds spread across your lawn and all over, and the only way to kill the seeds is by spraying a lot of chemical to kill those and any other weed. I may expound on it all another time, but for now, that's his way of explaining why they use a lot of drugs to kill the little bitty cancer cells randomly spread (potentially) in the body - just like dandelion seeds in your lawn.
What we learned is that he has 5 'choice' drugs in mind to use over a course of 6 months. The first two months is a dosage of 3 drugs given every 2 weeks, then a second round of 2 kinds of drugs given every 3 weeks. Each 'session' takes about 3-4 hrs to receive, a shot the day after to assist in rebuilding your white blood cell count, and, "by-the-way, we'll insert a port under your collar bone a few days before we start so that we don't have to keep poking you." Then he whipped out his Blackberry and said, "So do you want to start Monday or Thursday?" WHAAA! We have life we've already planned on!
Right now the whole thing basically puts my body into a shaky, shocky kind of response. My legs shake, teeth chatter, and I shiver all over. Dr. Campbell assures us that the whole chemo process has been refined so that, while you still lose hair, etc., the nausea is not an issue. He anticipated that it's mostly fatigue that's the hard part. He equated it to the last month of pregnancy - for 6 months. Thankfully I've had good pregnancies, so.... :) not sure I can draw parallel conclusions, but it helps me understand that busy days will be functional, but tiring - and so you rest the next day.
I'll try to fill in the rest of the medical knowledge we gleaned today ('cause I like that kind of stuff!) when I'm not so tired. Unless it doesn't seem so interesting tomorrow. Phew, what a day! Good night, moon!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tubeless!
For those of you who don't like medical stuff, this first bit may not be for you - so know you've been warned!
Another visit to Dr. Cullen's and the drain tubes were removed today! Yea!! Mostly that's a good indication that healing is going well and it's one less thing to deal with every day. I was so giggly and giddy at the appointment, I had a hard time concentrating after he removed them! Partly I was giggling b/c he explained (again) that he'd use a magnet to find the whatever-it-is for future reconstruction procedures so I was imagining the various refrigerator magnets I could attach to myself one of these days. The thought's enough to almost get me going again right now!
On a more serious note: This morning I was reading my devotions and was struck about two things:
1.) God not only cares for me (duh!), but He's also caring for each one of my kids and my husband too. He knew the things they would need when we got this diagnosis and how He would be there for them, and the lessons they may learn as well. Sometimes we/I get caught up in remembering God's care and attention to my own needs that I was comforted to remember that He's got my entire family in mind as we walk along this.
2) God can lay his peace and assurance over us in much the same way a warm blanket calms and warms our bodies. A very dear friend made such a warm and fuzzy blanket for me so I was reminded of her care. I was also fingering a beautiful bookmark that another friend made especially to comfort me and made me feel beautiful - as I read from a book given to me from a a woman I've never met but she had written such exact words of God's care for me on the cover. Memory after memory and object after object triggered thoughts of the many ways that God has used you to offer peace and assurance. In all this - all this! - I praise God because I have been taught how to better care for other people because I have learned from you. Thank you is too small a phrase when I feel this tremendously blessed.
Another visit to Dr. Cullen's and the drain tubes were removed today! Yea!! Mostly that's a good indication that healing is going well and it's one less thing to deal with every day. I was so giggly and giddy at the appointment, I had a hard time concentrating after he removed them! Partly I was giggling b/c he explained (again) that he'd use a magnet to find the whatever-it-is for future reconstruction procedures so I was imagining the various refrigerator magnets I could attach to myself one of these days. The thought's enough to almost get me going again right now!
On a more serious note: This morning I was reading my devotions and was struck about two things:
1.) God not only cares for me (duh!), but He's also caring for each one of my kids and my husband too. He knew the things they would need when we got this diagnosis and how He would be there for them, and the lessons they may learn as well. Sometimes we/I get caught up in remembering God's care and attention to my own needs that I was comforted to remember that He's got my entire family in mind as we walk along this.
2) God can lay his peace and assurance over us in much the same way a warm blanket calms and warms our bodies. A very dear friend made such a warm and fuzzy blanket for me so I was reminded of her care. I was also fingering a beautiful bookmark that another friend made especially to comfort me and made me feel beautiful - as I read from a book given to me from a a woman I've never met but she had written such exact words of God's care for me on the cover. Memory after memory and object after object triggered thoughts of the many ways that God has used you to offer peace and assurance. In all this - all this! - I praise God because I have been taught how to better care for other people because I have learned from you. Thank you is too small a phrase when I feel this tremendously blessed.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Initial pathology report
Dr Pettinga called this morning with a preliminary, but not full pathology report. News is very encouraging! They found cancer in 2 of 15 nodes, which is good. Some cancers had spread outside of the nodes which is OK b/c radiation'll zap those. It was NOT a 5 cm tumor as she initially thought but rather a 1.5 cm tumor plus one other - so it was not connected. Pathology had not recognized the 'other' so she sent them back to look at that one - whatever that means. The skin was also clear, which is another YIPPEE, though there was not a clear report back yet on if it had gone into the muscle or if they had cleared that out.
So overall the first reports back are very 'doable' and much less gloom and doom than I expected. God IS faithful, and God IS good.
Now I'm going to nap.
Thank you again and again to everyone who supports us in SO many ways - holding my hand, doing medical stuff, doing food stuff, doing kid stuff, reading stuff, writing stuff, doing stuffy stuff. YOU are a blessing!
-"Valium Girl" -- out
that's a Pastor Jon joke :)
So overall the first reports back are very 'doable' and much less gloom and doom than I expected. God IS faithful, and God IS good.
Now I'm going to nap.
Thank you again and again to everyone who supports us in SO many ways - holding my hand, doing medical stuff, doing food stuff, doing kid stuff, reading stuff, writing stuff, doing stuffy stuff. YOU are a blessing!
-"Valium Girl" -- out
that's a Pastor Jon joke :)
Sunday, September 27, 2009
A Brief Overview!
We arrived home on Friday evening just in time to see our beautiful children. They are great. Soon thereafter we began the medication carousel. When Saturday arrived the vicadin was beginning to get the best of Amanda. Her temperature rose and food just wouldn't stay down. So, we have deemed yesterday, "Puke Day". Soon thereafter, we ditched the vicadin in favor of motrin. That has helped immensely. Today has been so much better. She actually went out and ate a cheeseburger, drank a milk shake, then she ran 5 miles (joking).
Since arriving at home we have learned how wonderful our circle of family, neighbors and friends really are. We have received food, cards, and flowers. Someone mowed our lawn, others took Noah to his football game and later took him to a movie. Two particular friends that are involved in the medical field have spent huge chunks of time at our house helping Amanda feel comfortable and caring for her. Others have come over to wash Amanda's hair and give her a shower. Their warmth and sensitivity have been overwhelming. Personally, I am a little numb! The experience of such raw love is so humbling. I keep on hearing that well know refrain from my childhood playing over and over in my head, "It's better to give than receive" and here we are receiving. We are overwhelmingly thankful and humbled at the same time.
To all of you I say thank you for what you have done and what you will do. We love you all so much. We are blessed to experience the grace and love of God through you.
Much Love,
Josh
Since arriving at home we have learned how wonderful our circle of family, neighbors and friends really are. We have received food, cards, and flowers. Someone mowed our lawn, others took Noah to his football game and later took him to a movie. Two particular friends that are involved in the medical field have spent huge chunks of time at our house helping Amanda feel comfortable and caring for her. Others have come over to wash Amanda's hair and give her a shower. Their warmth and sensitivity have been overwhelming. Personally, I am a little numb! The experience of such raw love is so humbling. I keep on hearing that well know refrain from my childhood playing over and over in my head, "It's better to give than receive" and here we are receiving. We are overwhelmingly thankful and humbled at the same time.
To all of you I say thank you for what you have done and what you will do. We love you all so much. We are blessed to experience the grace and love of God through you.
Much Love,
Josh
Friday, September 25, 2009
Crying Day
Today is crying day. Amanda is crying because she misses her sister. Because this is harder than she thought. Because it affects her ability as a mother and wife. Because it hurts. Because this "thing" is terrible, no fun, and life changing. She is hopeful, but in the moment she is grieving her loss and suffering.
Amanda is tuff but today shall remain her Crying Day!
Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts, support and concern.
Much Love
Josh
Amanda is tuff but today shall remain her Crying Day!
Thank you for all your prayers, thoughts, support and concern.
Much Love
Josh
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The day after "Bump Day"!
The morning after has arrived. The realization that I have today, after talking with Dr. Pettinga and Dr. Cullen, is that this "Bump" in the road will be a year long "Bump". We have learned that there is indeed Cancer in Amanda's lymph node. We will learn to what extent on Monday or Tuesday of next week but what we know already is that Amanda is most likely looking at 4 months of chemo, followed by 5 week radiation, followed by another surgery, followed by a few concluding proceeders and such. Between each treatment there will be 3 to 6 weeks of recuperation before they carry on with what is next. This, in many ways, was our worst case scenario. It has now become our new and ever changing "normal".
We are not sure what God is doing but we continue to learn the meaning of trust. That the Lord Jesus is good even in the middle of this junk. Hard but true.
Thank you for your continued prayer. - Josh
We are not sure what God is doing but we continue to learn the meaning of trust. That the Lord Jesus is good even in the middle of this junk. Hard but true.
Thank you for your continued prayer. - Josh
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
post surgery
Dear All,
This is Amanda's sister, Lisa, writing. I'll be taking over this job for awhile.
Thank you for your prayers on behalf of Amanda and Josh. The day went so well and Josh and Amanda felt all of your prayers. The surgery started at 1:00 and was finished around 4:30. The surgeon was happy with how well she tolerated the anesthesia and felt that the surgery went well. The surgeon hopes to have all the results back from the lab testing next week sometime.
Josh and Amanda request no visitors at this time but please send cards!
Their address is
This is Amanda's sister, Lisa, writing. I'll be taking over this job for awhile.
Thank you for your prayers on behalf of Amanda and Josh. The day went so well and Josh and Amanda felt all of your prayers. The surgery started at 1:00 and was finished around 4:30. The surgeon was happy with how well she tolerated the anesthesia and felt that the surgery went well. The surgeon hopes to have all the results back from the lab testing next week sometime.
Josh and Amanda request no visitors at this time but please send cards!
Their address is
6298 Rapidfall Dr NE
Belmont, MI 49306-9751
Thanks for offering your love, support, care and prayers on behalf Josh and Amanda's family.
With much appreciation and love,
Lisa Spoelhof Schra
Thanks for offering your love, support, care and prayers on behalf Josh and Amanda's family.
With much appreciation and love,
Lisa Spoelhof Schra
The Bump Day!
We have arrived at THE day (Bump Day as it has been called). If we are honest, it is a day that we would gladly skip if we were able. It has certainly been an experience, thus far, that is surreal. A strange mix of horrible, humbling, sad, and yet full of love with a touch of peace that pass our understanding.
We are grateful for all the prayer and support. Thankful for life, family and friends but this experience has introduced our family to the fragile nature of life. We are not in control and life has great potential for difficulty. With that in mind, we praise our creator who understands even our misery and cares about things like breasts and cancer and our human struggle. We are grateful for the presence of Christ, by His Spirit, that is at work right now in Amanda and trust that he will supply all that we need.
Keep praying,
Josh
We are grateful for all the prayer and support. Thankful for life, family and friends but this experience has introduced our family to the fragile nature of life. We are not in control and life has great potential for difficulty. With that in mind, we praise our creator who understands even our misery and cares about things like breasts and cancer and our human struggle. We are grateful for the presence of Christ, by His Spirit, that is at work right now in Amanda and trust that he will supply all that we need.
Keep praying,
Josh
Monday, September 21, 2009
"Art" Day
Had the 'drawing' appointment with Dr. Cullen this morning to get the lines he needs for surgery. I was feeling quite emotional beforehand and hoping I wouldn't lose it during the appointment. As it turned out, it was quite comical! I'll spare you the details of the drawings, but I had a good laugh about it. God has turned an ugly event into joy - how He does these things, I'll never understand. But it does remind me that he knows what we can handle. He knows I needed to have some humor about it; he knows that without laughter today, it would make the wait until Wednesday even harder. Praise God for surgical art!
Friday, September 18, 2009
Immediate needs update:
There's still a need from someone to help with Levi on Monday mornings beginning October 5. Josh will bring the other 3 kids to school at 7:45. Levi will need care from about that time (though I sure we could be flexible) until Diane Siegfried watches him starting at noon. He's very transportable, meaning he could hang out at someone's house or be cared for at home.
Also, Sunday mornings are tricky. I'm hoping someone could come to our house around 8:00/8:15 to help get Esther and Levi ready to go to the first service for Sunday school. Josh doesn't get home until 1:00, so I'll need help with the two of them until then - either hanging out at church, back at home, or with somebody somewhere.
Even if you could help out once or twice with either of these, I'd be eternally grateful!
On a less needy note:
We just got back from a fabulous day at Greg & Kathy's cottage on the Big Lake. I haven't had such a wonderful time with my family in sooooo long. Several times I was able to watch my kids and simply adore them. (A few moments I could'a left them all in the lake, but those paled in comparison!) It was so lovely - we went swimming, beach combing, made sand castles, played at the park, walked the boardwalk, ate ice cream and 5" french fries, and Josh's ankles got seriously fried! Levi learned about speed boats - they are not the same as hairplays (airplanes) though they sound similar. Esther picked up every single feather and piece of garbage, I mean treasure, on the beach. Abby surfed and dug a huge hole. Noah did football up-downs in the waves - and hit Abby over the head with the surfboard, all in good fun. It was a great day!
Funny how simply coming back home brings it all back. I've noticed how hard it is to physically speak the word 'cancer' or 'tumor.' It's kind of like speaking of anatomy in strange company - like you're not sure if you've crossed the line, so you say it with hesitation or reservation. I also realized that I think I've actually had the thought, though never verbalized it, that I would never have cancer. I'd be one of those strange statistics that seemed to 'dodge the bullet.' Seems like everyone is doomed to get some kind of cancer, but I'd be the exception, at least for a long time. This isn't the reality I expected - not yet anyway. Oh well. A few more days without cancer and doctors in my face - Monday starts up the appointments again. Sigh.
Also, Sunday mornings are tricky. I'm hoping someone could come to our house around 8:00/8:15 to help get Esther and Levi ready to go to the first service for Sunday school. Josh doesn't get home until 1:00, so I'll need help with the two of them until then - either hanging out at church, back at home, or with somebody somewhere.
Even if you could help out once or twice with either of these, I'd be eternally grateful!
On a less needy note:
We just got back from a fabulous day at Greg & Kathy's cottage on the Big Lake. I haven't had such a wonderful time with my family in sooooo long. Several times I was able to watch my kids and simply adore them. (A few moments I could'a left them all in the lake, but those paled in comparison!) It was so lovely - we went swimming, beach combing, made sand castles, played at the park, walked the boardwalk, ate ice cream and 5" french fries, and Josh's ankles got seriously fried! Levi learned about speed boats - they are not the same as hairplays (airplanes) though they sound similar. Esther picked up every single feather and piece of garbage, I mean treasure, on the beach. Abby surfed and dug a huge hole. Noah did football up-downs in the waves - and hit Abby over the head with the surfboard, all in good fun. It was a great day!
Funny how simply coming back home brings it all back. I've noticed how hard it is to physically speak the word 'cancer' or 'tumor.' It's kind of like speaking of anatomy in strange company - like you're not sure if you've crossed the line, so you say it with hesitation or reservation. I also realized that I think I've actually had the thought, though never verbalized it, that I would never have cancer. I'd be one of those strange statistics that seemed to 'dodge the bullet.' Seems like everyone is doomed to get some kind of cancer, but I'd be the exception, at least for a long time. This isn't the reality I expected - not yet anyway. Oh well. A few more days without cancer and doctors in my face - Monday starts up the appointments again. Sigh.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
A Way in the WIlderness
From Praying Through Cancer devotional book that my sister gave me. This particular day has stuck with me so I thought I'd share it:
*********************
I will not leave you desolate; I will come to you. John 14:18
When I learned I had breast cancer, I was in the midst of studying about the people of Israel. God had a plan to bring them out of Egypt, but oh how they grumbled about where they ended up - in the wilderness. It seemed to me that if I rebelled against this bend in the road, I, like the Israelites, would be grumbling against God's goodness and purpose. So I determined to follow Him and trust His provision wherever He chose to lead me. He did provide for me there - the skillful surgeon, the many who prayed for me, the support of my family. It seemed like such a victory, and I thought I was home free.
Then I saw my oncologist, and the treatment options he laid before me seemed overwhelming. Again I was in the wilderness, not because God was leading me there, but because I ran there out of fear. God did not leave me alone. He gave me clear direction regarding the course of treatment to follow.
The big battle for me has been, and continues to be, in my mind - not to let fear overwhelm me, not to dwell on the what-ifs, but to count on God's character and His promises, which are sure.
***********
Another verse that has struck me is this in Isaiah 49:16
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.
I know that as I walk this journey with God, His hand holds mine and has my name engraved on it.
*********************
I will not leave you desolate; I will come to you. John 14:18
When I learned I had breast cancer, I was in the midst of studying about the people of Israel. God had a plan to bring them out of Egypt, but oh how they grumbled about where they ended up - in the wilderness. It seemed to me that if I rebelled against this bend in the road, I, like the Israelites, would be grumbling against God's goodness and purpose. So I determined to follow Him and trust His provision wherever He chose to lead me. He did provide for me there - the skillful surgeon, the many who prayed for me, the support of my family. It seemed like such a victory, and I thought I was home free.
Then I saw my oncologist, and the treatment options he laid before me seemed overwhelming. Again I was in the wilderness, not because God was leading me there, but because I ran there out of fear. God did not leave me alone. He gave me clear direction regarding the course of treatment to follow.
The big battle for me has been, and continues to be, in my mind - not to let fear overwhelm me, not to dwell on the what-ifs, but to count on God's character and His promises, which are sure.
***********
Another verse that has struck me is this in Isaiah 49:16
See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.
I know that as I walk this journey with God, His hand holds mine and has my name engraved on it.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
A few details:
We are humbled by the people who have expressed a desire to help in some way! I met with some wonderful women last night and man, can they think of everything! My thanks goes out to Char (and Jim!) Sweat, Diane Siegfried, and Jeanne Maher. If you have any questions about schtuff having to do with our family, they'll know the answer.
River Rock is using a wonderful site called "Take Them a Meal" (careful: link opens in same window unless you do what you do so it doesn't) to assist with the meal prep during this time. Char Sweat is heading that up; you can contact her with questions. Password is our house number.
If you desire to help in any other way, please contact Diane Siegfried. As of this moment, I have a childcare 'gap' on Monday mornings (8-noon) to help with Levi and pick up Esther from kindergarten.
Jeanne Maher can also help with any questions or thoughts.
I'd tell wonderful details about upcoming appointments and expectations for recovery, etc., except we know nothing more than 'major surgery next Wednesday.' Simple answer is: we'll know more about the particular 'behavior' and extent of the cancer when we get the full pathology report two weeks from surgery.
Thank you everyone for the continued prayers and expressions of concern. I immensely appreciate your emails and the notes - I cherish each one. I would love to respond to each and every one but I'm realizing I cannot do that - but thank you and know that I truly appreciate the notes that you send!
River Rock is using a wonderful site called "Take Them a Meal" (careful: link opens in same window unless you do what you do so it doesn't) to assist with the meal prep during this time. Char Sweat is heading that up; you can contact her with questions. Password is our house number.
If you desire to help in any other way, please contact Diane Siegfried. As of this moment, I have a childcare 'gap' on Monday mornings (8-noon) to help with Levi and pick up Esther from kindergarten.
Jeanne Maher can also help with any questions or thoughts.
I'd tell wonderful details about upcoming appointments and expectations for recovery, etc., except we know nothing more than 'major surgery next Wednesday.' Simple answer is: we'll know more about the particular 'behavior' and extent of the cancer when we get the full pathology report two weeks from surgery.
Thank you everyone for the continued prayers and expressions of concern. I immensely appreciate your emails and the notes - I cherish each one. I would love to respond to each and every one but I'm realizing I cannot do that - but thank you and know that I truly appreciate the notes that you send!
Friday, September 11, 2009
The date has been set
So, it's been decided: Wednesday, Sept. 23 at 1 pm "The Surgery" will happen. In some ways there's a great deal of relief to know that this will happen, but in many more ways it's a very surreal thing. As my brother-in-law said about his open heart surgery: It's all surreal until it's all over.
The thing that's hardest to wrap my head around right now is all of our schedules! We (now regrettably) decided before the fact to sign both girls up for soccer this fall. Combine that with Noah's football, all the new school expectations, pending needs-planning, and doctor's appointments and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed! I'm accustomed to NO schedule, more of a rhythm, and this throws it all out of whack!
Immediate needs that I can think of:
1. A dog walker/runner on and after Sept 23
2. Help every Sunday morning. I don't know when I'll be able to get back to church after surgery and with Josh leading worship, I'll be alone with the kids every Sunday. I'll need help getting the little ones to church, but then a hand at home (or something) during the other service. Basically I'll need help from about 8:00 until 12:30/1:00 or thereabouts.
I'll be adding information on how people can help us with child care, carpooling, meals, cleaning, etc., etc. I'm wishing it can be an interactive thing, but haven't found that option yet. So check back often, if you'd be so kind!
So that's where we are! It's amazing to see God's hand working, but we have certainly been scratching our heads over it all as well. Sometimes we see the silver lining (God) and other times we despair to consider what may lie ahead. We had a showing to sell our house this afternoon, and as Sam Huizenga said, "What IS God up to??"
I thank God for the many people who have spoken or given me words of comfort in the last few weeks. It's unbelievable sometimes how God's people can support one other. Thank you for letting God's love reach me, through you!
The thing that's hardest to wrap my head around right now is all of our schedules! We (now regrettably) decided before the fact to sign both girls up for soccer this fall. Combine that with Noah's football, all the new school expectations, pending needs-planning, and doctor's appointments and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed! I'm accustomed to NO schedule, more of a rhythm, and this throws it all out of whack!
Immediate needs that I can think of:
1. A dog walker/runner on and after Sept 23
2. Help every Sunday morning. I don't know when I'll be able to get back to church after surgery and with Josh leading worship, I'll be alone with the kids every Sunday. I'll need help getting the little ones to church, but then a hand at home (or something) during the other service. Basically I'll need help from about 8:00 until 12:30/1:00 or thereabouts.
I'll be adding information on how people can help us with child care, carpooling, meals, cleaning, etc., etc. I'm wishing it can be an interactive thing, but haven't found that option yet. So check back often, if you'd be so kind!
So that's where we are! It's amazing to see God's hand working, but we have certainly been scratching our heads over it all as well. Sometimes we see the silver lining (God) and other times we despair to consider what may lie ahead. We had a showing to sell our house this afternoon, and as Sam Huizenga said, "What IS God up to??"
I thank God for the many people who have spoken or given me words of comfort in the last few weeks. It's unbelievable sometimes how God's people can support one other. Thank you for letting God's love reach me, through you!
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