Monday, July 4, 2011

New blog

I've not posted in a while because most my posts have been on our newest blog: Six (and a dog) in a Van

If you haven't read that one, it's following our next adventure of moving out to Oregon from Michigan to plant a church in Corvallis - home of Oregon State University. There's amazing stories of how God is bringing conversation and changing our lives through the people we meet... and a lot of updates on how the church planting is progressing, as well how to partner with us as we grow. 'Follow' that blog so you can be getting those updates. Many of my musings are now posted there as my life is now centering on this church plant rather than fighting cancer - YEA!

Check it out - I think it's pretty neat. (Especially the background, as far as aesthetics go!)

Monday, April 4, 2011

OK, God - Thanks for that today

I'm not a worry-er. I'm very much take it as it's given, cross that bridge as you approach it, it'll be fine kinda gal. I don't worry about stuff.

But lately I've been worried about my kids. No, they'll be fine as we move and transition schools and homes and friends and everything else. It's not those major things that worry me and keep me awake at night. Brace yourself... what worries me is Levi's sniffles. See!! It's not even a life-shattering thing that's causing me to stress! It's distressing to me because at night, it really sounds like he can't breath, and sometimes he'll stop for a bit. Mind you, it's been going on since early February. I had horrible thoughts of...well, never mind.

So today, I said a little prayer to God before cracking open the My Utmost for His Highest that there would be a special word for me today. If you have another minute, please read it: The Way to Permanent Faith

As I saw the title my thoughts were, "Excellent, who couldn't use this information!" Yes, it give perspective to my current worst-case-scenario thinking, which is helpful for today, but even moreso it confirmed what I had to convince myself of last night. Amongst the troubling or tough times, God is through it all and it is my fragile faith that causes me worry. See, I realized something about how I'm feeling about God at the moment. I have absolute assurance that He's the author of life, however, I don't always trust it. I realize the outcome will always be greater than what I know the present to be, but I don't trust the methods. I have forgotten His infathomable love for me - I'm convinced that the only way for me to see His blessing is by traveling through the pain - that He'll bring difficult or horrible things into my life so that I may see the blessings.

I expect disaster. And I don't think that's who God is. I believe it's the work of Satan in my mind as of late. And I and my family are easy targets right now.

I'm still supremely confident that God is moving and working all over the place in our family, in Rockford, in Corvallis, in my kids. And my worries: it doesn't add a minute to my life. (Matthew 6:27)

Ha! Busted, Satan!! (At least this time.)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Surrender

We had a sermon at church a few weeks ago from the book of Luke - the parable about the widow's mite. She gave just a few cents, but it was far more precious than the hundreds of dollars the wealthy gave back to God.

But that's not what struck me. The point I walked away with (even if Jon didn't intend it) was that we are to surrender it all to God because it all belongs to Him in the first place. The point was from a financial perspective, and for our family, that's the easy thing - it's a tangible thing we can see if we are following through.  But what struck me is that there's other areas of my life that I am selfish about and it's not tangible. I'm selfish about my need to escape - to be alone, do my own thing, tune out the world - essentially cut out relationships for a time. It's a huge need for me!

We were looking at houses to rent in Corvallis and came across this really cute place that was for sale with a remote possibility of being rentable. It was 1400 sq. ft on two levels. Now...how often are all my kids quietly tucked away in their rooms? Catchin' my drift? We would be 6 people and a dog happily living on top of each other in about 700 sq. ft. - actually less than that b/c the 'master' bedroom was also on the main level. I just Googled the personal space needs for Americans and only came up with the 'two foot rule' which doesn't help in this scenario. But the point is, it'd be very tight quarters. I was spending my mental energy that week trying to come up with ways that I'd be able to find a good space to 'get away' from my family, even for a short time: putting a nice Adorondek chair in the back yard with a small fountain for white noise was the best I could come up with. I love my family, but I have a huge need for escape.

But this is not why God created us! The whole reason God made us was for relationship! What a bondage I'm living in when I don't want to fully appreciate His creation! Would not my life be more "full" if I was not such a slave to my isolation? Sigh. So often the things that bring us comfort are those things which keep us in bondage. We love to eat and be merry, but are then bound by an unhealthy body. We appreciate quality, but are slaves to dissatisfaction. Love children at the cost of a wholesome union with our spouse. Love recreation, but a slave to time. I show my biases in my examples, but what about the intangibles that we are slaves to? Finish the sentence for yourself, "I need to...." or "I have to..." "If I don't do XYZ...." These are the things to which we can be slaves! If you pursue these things, what is it costing you?

Granted, there's a healthy balance in it all, but for me, it was a 'hit me on the head' kind of realization. I may not hoard money, but I hoard giving of myself. Now I need to find the balance b/w healthy Amanda and the relational Amanda that God created me to be!

Saturday, March 12, 2011

End of an Era

While I still have at least one more surgery to go, I'm kinda moving past this chapter of my life because we're beginnig a new one soon - our move to Oregon.  You can follow that one, too: Six in a Van. 

God has been walking along us the whole journey - from Josh finishing seminary, diagnosis, declining the church plant position in Lethbridge, treatments, reconstruction and now leading us to a new ministry (in the Pacific NW, no less!). The amazing thing is not just in how He's provided for our family in a multitude of ways, but how He has groomed us for each step. We (Josh & I) have been able to use the time during my treatments to further refine who we are as His children and what we can bring to ministry. Certainly wouldn't have chosen cancer as a 'time-out,' but I feel it's been a blessing for our growth.  We've certainly struggled and new things have risen to the top that we must now address, but how much better to expose those struggles and deal with them straight-up rather than ignoring or remaining ignorant to their destructive results.

Praise God for my breast cancer! One heck of a 'pruning' season, but a blessing in the end.