Saturday, March 27, 2010

Radiation

I've finished 12 sessions of radiation already, so that's about 1/3 of the way. Yea! So far I have not much to report. I still take it easy and tire out quicker than I'd like, but nothing a nap can't cure. And I'm just starting to see the 'sunburn' show up - especially under my arm. I was glad when Friday arrived this week because now I have two days without radiation to hopefully give my skin a break. Aloe, aloe, aloe!

On another note, not related to radiation (imagine that!)... I still continue to lose hair! It's growing on my head, but I've lost a significant portion of my eyebrows now. One got left behind in Florida so if any of you spring-breakers down there find it, I'd love to have it back! (Eeeu!) So now I can draw on my expressions: happy brows, angry brows, etc. It sounds a bit like a Mr. Potato Head! I'm told to expect hair to start growing back 6 weeks after chemo and this past Wednesday was it, so bring it on!! This past Thursday marked 5 months of no hair - we shaved it on October 25. That's a lot of hat-wearing!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

The Future

Imagine, if you will (no, this isn't the beginning of a Twilight Zone episode, though maybe it'll turn out that way...) that the definition of 'future' was changed. I should explain that Josh & I have been challenged in the last little bit about what our future looks like, and then in church today I was challenged again. So here's what I've been thinking about lately:

What does "your future" mean to you? To me, I never gave it a second thought that I wouldn't live into my 80's at least (and there's nothing to say that I won't!). I figured I'd graduate my kids, do 'the 50's & 60's thing' whatever that looked like, age gracefully in my 70's and then die in my 80's. What if it's not like that? -- and this may turn morbid for some, so if you want to remain cheery, stop now!

What if the 'future' was suddenly your 'present.' That is to say, what if you suddenly realized that you would not live to graduate your kids and then 'do life' as a 50-80 year old? So let's bring it home: if you knew you would not live more than, say, 10 more years - a single decade, what would you do differently that you aren't (or are) doing now? What would you change about your family life or your work load or your spiritual life - or your spiritual journey? Could you say with full conviction and follow it up with your actions that Jesus "is the Christ, the Son of the Living God"? Or that you know Jesus died to be your Savior - to save you...from yourself, really - from your 'sinful' bent, specifically.

OK, move out of that aspect: would you travel more? Talk more... or less? Read more, or be an advocate for someone or something? Work less, take your kids out of school more? Give more away, or take up something? Take things more seriously or maybe less seriously? Would you pursue that which makes you happy or strive to improve someone else's life? What would you want to accomplish in 10 years? Do you need to accomplish anything? Would whatever you accomplish be tangible or intangible? What do you want to pass along in the next 10 years? Does it all match up with what Christ has for you?

How about this: name some thing that you'd like to have identified with your life. A butterfly that only lives a short time but is appreciated by so many for its beauty? A rock that is never changing and is solid to then end. A rubberband that adjust itself for anything. What about a video camera that doesn't miss a thing. A firework. A medication. A lamp. A lotion. If there was something in this world that you would want people to identify with you, what would it be, and why? What would God create you to be or change you to become? Jesus talked about us being salt. Hmmm.

Strange questions, I know, but I'm realizing that we cannot assume that we'll all live to our 80's or longer (duh!) no matter what our current, wonderful status is right at the moment. We cannot assume that the families we are building will remain indefinitely. Given this knowledge, what might change about how we live our lives? What would it look like to completely surrender to God's will? It's exciting to think that if I were to surrender to God's will completely and entirely I may not even recognize myself! That's the beauty and the freaky thing about it...I have ideas about what I want to do and become, but God's got so much more in store for me if I would just get out of the way!

God, move me out that I may become your creation not some lesser thing of my own design.
Hmmm. What exactly does that look like - and how does that work, exactly?

Friday, March 12, 2010

Last of chemo, Disney, and Radiation

Ahh, back home from lovely Florida -- or more specifically, Disney. It seems to be an entity unto itself! We had a blast, but by about 1/2 way through our littlest ones were saying, "I don't want to go to Disney anymore!!" So we told them we were going to the zoo, aka Animal Kingdom. It seemed to work for Levi! I could go on and on about how much fun it was, but if you've been there, you know all that and if you haven't...well, you've probably heard a million people say how great it is, yes!? The nice part is that it's nothing like the usual amusement parks like any Six Flags or Cedar Point. It's much more experiential and (don't tell the kids) occasionally educational. They actually try to teach you something sometimes. Granted, I don't agree with Disney's philosophy on lots of issues, but the education I'm referring to is more about conservation issues - though again, it seems to be a meca for plastic and energy consumption. But I've learned they're at least 'trying' (in some respects) to be considerate of earth's resources.

As far as my treatments, I'm working out the last of the chemo issues - and it's not so pretty. My fingernails have finally 'bit it.' They kept saying that my nails would get nasty, and in the scheme of things, it's not really that bad, but my hands look like a construction workers. No offense to my hard working construction folks, but it's not very lady-like to have peeling, splitting ugly fingertips! What's happened is that the nail bed has dried up and separated from the nail itself. Very odd. One thumb nail has actually peeled off...from the bottom up. And a few others have disconnected at the top. Sigh. Could be worse!

Another strange issue I'm working though is sore muscles. I've got tremendous knots in my arms, which is nice for that bulky, I've-been-exercising look, but it's not very comfortable. And if my soreness is from vacuuming or cleaning a bathroom, that's kinda unusual also. Dehydration? Too much tension?? Who knows. I've made it my job this week to sleep and drink water/Propel. Not bad! It's not necessarily fixing the muscle thing, but making me feel better none-the-less.

And now...radiation. I went on the 25th or so of Feb. for 'mapping' which got me set up for the actual treatments. They had me lay on a foam or something in the position needed for treatments (arms overhead w/ head to one side) and then added a chemical into a bag around the foam in order to make an impression of my upper body. This hardened and is what I use to lay on during treatments. They also added three small tattoos (one under each arm and another over my sternum) which are 'landmarks' to help w/ positioning. Obviously positioning is critical in all this. Wouldn't want to zap the wrong thing!

While we were at Disney, the Dr. used a CT scan they did at the mapping to identify the angles and whatnot for the treatment. At my "first" appointment this week Wednesday they took some x-rays to see if I was in a good...you got it...position (where's Ms. Dale, my HS English teacher and her cursed thesaurus!) and then a dry-run of treatment for the doc to check. That turned out fine so they did the actual first treatment. Treatment itself takes less than five minutes.

They said as far as side-effects, the biggest is dry, irritated skin -- think sunburn. And fatigue. This all happens in about the 2nd or 3rd week. So far, after treatments 1 & 2 I did done nothing but sleep. Today was better, so I'm thinking that was simply recovery time from moving and traveling. Noah came home Wednesday and asked, "Can you move??" My answer, "Yes, but I don't want to." Noah: "Sweet! I get to make dinner. I'll start a movie, too!" That's my boy! I think he thought I'd be down for the count until the end of April. Sorry, Buddy!

Radiation treatments are every day M-F for 33 'sessions' or until the end of April.