The hand of God

Yes, we sold our house!!! And we didn't even really think it was still for sale! Praise to God!

Here's our story of how God has been working in the life of our family.

Back up about 4 years ago:
In Spring of '04 I was working part-time at Calvin College, had a kindergartner, a 1st grader, and an infant. My daycare provider at the time told me she was no longer going to do childcare come Summer, so I was left to either find a new sitter and keep working or find a way to work from home and not use childcare. In exploring these options, we also considered if we wanted to homeschool our kids - something we had thought about when Noah was to start kindergarten. Combine this with Josh really feeling God calling him to finish his seminary degree (MDiv). All these factors: no child care, wanting to stay home and homeschool the kids, Josh going to seminary - God was at work in everyone in our house. So three or so years ago, I started working from home and homeschooling the kids while Josh worked part-time and went to school full-time. And, by the way, I became pregnant with Levi shortly after we started all this. Crazy! We completely saw God's hand in all of it, however. School and family was easier for Josh to balance than it had been on previous attempts. The kids and I enjoyed homeschooling, and we enjoyed the flexibility it offered - when Josh had off, we took time off too. So though it was crazy and there were plenty of tough times, we knew it was the best situation for us at that time. By the end of those three years, though, we were 'spent.'

So now we're to Summer of '09. Josh was slated to graduate in August following the last summer internship. We began interviewing with the CRC Home Missions group to start a church plant somewhere - anywhere but Iowa (no offense Iowans!) About mid-way through summer we made the decision that it would be best to try to get the kids back in school so that it would free me up to get the household ready for a move. God lead us to a 'perfect' community of people in Lethbridge, Alberta Canada (I forgot to include Canada when I prayed to be sent anywhere except Iowa). We resonated with the folks and the community, the weather, and the funding was in place so we were ready to go. I kept bugging Josh to 'just accept the position and let's go!' but he wanted to wait out his decision-making time until August 21. So knowing we'd be moving to Canada and not sure about the health care there, I scheduled what I thought would be a routine check of a lump on my breast. This, of course, lead to the breast cancer diagnosis (on August 19), surgery, chemo, radiation, reconstruction, etc., etc. The call to Lethbridge on August 21 was not a job offer acceptance, but rather sad news that we needed to wait for several months before we could really feel comfortable moving up there.

In hind-sight, God had his hand in all this! We needed to step out in faith and seriously consider moving our family to Canada. We learned later that had we moved at that time, things may not have worked out as smoothly as we were planning b/c some funding fell through for the church plant. Had we not been considering moving, I may not have worked to get the kids back at school (which now has proved ideal for me to rest and heal rather than try to immigrate like I thought I'd be doing.) Had we not been considering moving to Canada I may have waited longer to have the lump checked out. Had we moved to Canada, I would've been going through all the treatments under the (slower) Canadian health care system. I really feel God knew just what needed to happen at just the right time.

So now we're in a state of what feels like limbo. Josh cannot start his new job putting his new credentials to work. I'm out of commission trying to get healed up. What in the world is God doing? How is this working?

The For Sale sign in the front yard fell over and eventually got moved to the back of the garage. Our focus shifted from moving our family to how to deal with my new medical issue and what may be in store for Josh in all this 'waiting.' Low and behold, someone found our house on zillow.com and was super-excited about it. They looked at it Tuesday, brought the parents on Wednesday, made an offer on Thursday, accepted the counter-offer today. We sold the house!! We didn't even really think it was still on the market! What in the world is God up to??

How is this showing God at work? The way we see it, God calls us to be in relationship with Him, in real relationship with our family and community, and to stop trying to orchestrate how he's going to work. With no house to tie us down, we are poised for the ultimate opportunity to follow His calling! My excitement is renewed!! God IS working in our family! He's teaching us and working through our community! He's got a plan! I have no idea what or where it may take us, but what a relief to know that it's not my job to try to make it happen. I am - no, we are - free to follow God's calling.

Lead on!! (That's not to say I don't have my stressors about it too, but you know what I'm sayin'!)

Treatment 5 realties

It's one week post-treatment which means today I went in for a CBC blood profile. I figured they'd tell me my "white blood counts are in toilet, but that's where we like to see them," and that my platelets are low, but I was wrong! Apparently these drugs do not effect the blood as dramatically. But I did have a whole bunch of questions about the side-effects I'm having:

• For about 36+ hrs. my tongue and throat felt about 2 sizes too big. Now it feels like I burned my whole mouth and it's ready to peel or something. Consequently everything tastes like wax. Nurse Wendy prescribed a Nystatin oral rinse - so it's been thrush I've been bothered with.
  
• My eyes have been quite dry, which I'm told is because they want to tear, but can't. This makes me rub them a bit which is causing eyelashes to come off.
• General muscle weakness/aches. It hit about 11 pm on Friday night. I realized I better get to bed or I'd never get there at all. That went away some time Sunday.
  
• And then there's my hands. Monday what looks like a burn showed up between my ring and pinky finger, and my nail beds were generally sensitive. Tuesday-Wednesday the sensitivity has increased to the whole hand and there's several spots that have that 'burned' look to them. It's a bit like having been out in the freezing weather without gloves and then coming in to stick them under hot water. Ouch! Even getting on my socks this morning was a chore. Washing in hot water is a definite 'out.' Even Nurse Wendy looked at my hands and said, "Ouch" which helped me feel that I wasn't crazy. She prescribed "a drug for that!" that will help with the next round. She did say not to be surprised if my hands started to peel as that was the next step. Eeeuuu!
  
• And the bowel issues are not cleared up.

Other than all that, I'm feeling functional on a limited basis - and it sounds worse than it is. Naps are still frequent, though I'm not falling asleep in the middle of life as I was earlier in the week. My mom was commenting that all these symptoms are looked at as 'normal' when there's really nothing 'normal' about them at all. But, ya know, if you have cancer, this IS normal - this is my new normal. Everyone has their burdens to bear, my just happens to include hurting hands and no hair. About the hands part, I realize now, and wish I had been more understanding when my Grandpa mentioned that his hands hurt from his neuropathy. I would nod and give a sympathetic response and help out if I could, but now I know that he had every right not only to mention it, but to downright complain if he wanted to. God is teaching me empathy.

Speaking of God: He sold our house! I had listed the house back in August when we thought we'd be moving to Canada on a few free listing sites and most had expired by now. Zillow has kept our posting and some buyers found it, asked to go through, came through again, and now Josh is at the agent's office talking about their offer! We had figured it 'off the market' and quit trying to find a buyer... in God's timing - in His unpredictability - he brought a buyer and sold the house for us. The big question is "Now what?" But what we've learned in this is that it is not our job to orchestrate God's will. When we step out, God will step in. It is our job to make ourselves available to his calling. I have no idea what that looks like, but I'm certainly renewed in my enthusiasm for what God wants to do through our family after this whole thing!

Hmmm... Josh calling with offer details. More later!

Quick Update for Treatment 5

Well, we're into the second phase of chemo! Yea?

I no longer have to deal with nausea and bowel issues (TMI?), but this new round will have new side-effects. These include: red/burning palms and feet bottoms (Ouch!), teary eyes (what's new these days?!), really ugly nails, and bad aches (the phrase used was, "When you feel like a small car has run you over..." Nice).

In administering the new drugs, they had to go really slow to check if my body had any adverse reactions to them. I didn't. Yea! A drug I can tolerate! Yea? But... we - meaning Josh and I - had the appointment at 9:45 and somehow didn't drive away until 3:24. Felt like we entered a time warp! Thankfully, my Mom and Dad stayed with the kids all day as they had a snow day - again! They took off, I took a nap and woke when Josh had dinner on the table. What a man! Sat on the couch until 7:45, played a card game with the kids and then this. What a productive day!!
"And so it goes, and so it goes..." (Neal Diamond or is that Simon & Garfunkel [who actually comes up in the spell check]?) I'm also wondering if some steroid has kicked in b/c I've been unusually chatty the last few hours. Maybe I shouldn't have napped. Ughhh! It's such a mess!!

Grandpa and The Grr Factor

There's really no info to report that's particular to my treatment. I go again in Thursday so this is "my week" - the week when I feel like I want to feel. The week after treatment I call "Dr Campbell's week" - the week I feel like how Dr. Campbell wants me to feel. Gross.

My musings:
Today marks one year since we laid my dear Grandpa Spoelhof to rest at age 99. I was jogging today when the song "In Christ Alone" popped on the ipod. It's a song we sang at Grandpa's memorial service. It sent me to tears. I mourned that I am no longer able to be with him, but at the same time I needed to remember that he's in heaven! Eternity with the all-glorious, holy, Creator, Father God. An eternity of praise and adoration. Hmmm, not bad. I'm sad for me and rejoice for him.

I was reflecting on how he touched my life and this is what I concluded: he taught me acceptance, or at the least, tolerance of everyone, and that everyone is important enough to deserve a introduction and to learn a bit about them. And he taught me the importance of living a life without regrets. Thanks, Grandpa!

The Grr Factor
Ever tried jogging and crying? It's actually quite cleansing. It can get ya to The Grr Factor much easier! The Grr Factor's that point when mind and body go on auto-pilot and you can just GO. There's exercise (and that's just drudgery) and then there's exercise with the Grr Factor. You can get all your aggressions, frustrations - all those -ations - out of your system, or just set life aside for a little while. It's pure focus, or something. Anyway, my words of the day: Pursue the Grr Factor! Otherwise you just end up grumpy with sore muscles or a headache.

BTW it's recommended that women with breast cancer exercise about 4 hrs a week to improve survival rates. Read more Interestingly I also learned this summer through Josh's CPE internship that my particular personality type needs to exercise regularly to be emotionally healthy. God's at work (in strange ways), don't you know?